I Think Im Ready

Hey hey now... I think Im ready to restart the challenge I originally started of meditation and prayer twice a day. What I am now realizing is I have bypassed accomplishing a lot by just (somewhat) maintaingin this blog. Usually in the past when I journal my handwriting is so horrible I dont have the pleasure of rereading typos an bad ideas or good ideas and repeat revelations. I tell you its quite a journey in life when you cant help but be introspective on a day to day basis. I know people who arent very introspective DIALY and lemme tell you its seems like they are having more fun and stress/think about tuff less. But all in all FINALLY at 36 I am learning who I really am and what will just be me .. just be who I am.

I danced fully yesterday with friends for the first time in months.. for the first time since before the baby and I tell you it was like a delicious meal after coming off a fast. I had on of those moments when my hand strecthed in the air mid stream where I felt time stand still ( on purpose or divine ordered ) it stood still for me.. little old me to have a moment of sheer gratitude and bliss for being able to move without worrying about hurting the baby or without extreme pain from the surgery or or or. It was sheer gratitude and blis. My chest is warm just thinking about it.

My body, yes I feel enormous.. like I have on a jiggly snowsuit. When I see my refelction I just cant beleive how large I am. I know people are talking about how big Ive gotten post baby or not. Im in such a visible position by teaching dance. And yess I can type how looks dont matter and dont care what people think but I do NOTICE what people think. It doesnt register however as much as I think about myself. I think I look stifled by the weight. Not completely unattractive but bottled up by cellulite. Whats crazy is when i was smaller no one wanted to hear what I had to say about my weight or image then they would cancel it out. Like my emotions didnt matter cause I wasnt 800lbs. Now no one wants to heasr it either cause they want to feel beuatiful. Well all our wants cant do a darn thing if the person (ME) isnt doing internal work to not feel that way. What is bad s not letting someone express thier true emotions no matter what thier size is.

Lastly I escaped to Jeju Saturday. I really really am glad I took that time for myself to wash and be clean. I have to leave early cause I cant stomach knowing I mniss Jasiri M-F and only have two days to spend with him. Im not primary in his development im not his priary consoler during the day. It frustrates me and Im trying to find a way to be at peace with where I am knowing Im doing my best... but im not there.

**** the challenge 365 days meditation and prayer twice a day ****
Well I need to count to find out what day Im on but im a good 6months into this challegne that took a hiatus due to child birth. At this moment I have a strong pull to shower up and step out and meditate but its fighting a big fat draw to get to work extra early and get a jump on my task list. Its going to be a busy week. I dont know what Im going to do but I will write about it and stick as much to my challegne as I can.

My cousin said the only thing I should remember abut spiritual growth is it is inconsistent. Im hoping so cause regularity is not my strong suit. Try to get a groove worked in for my spirit.
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Post Partum

I think I have a touch of it. I thought it would come on out of no where like a singular storm cloud everyone points at but it never rains. But no, its a DIRECT result of stressors. Still healing fromthe surgery (pain etc.), work and other things

I wish I lived closer to family. Im convinced that the effects of post partum can be washed away if you have more women family around you. Currently im stressed because I chose to blog instead of getting to work early so Im imagining things that coul go wrong at the office because I didnt choose to leave out. But Im learning I need to be sane to be a good worker LOL and this is helping. So crazy how cold this modern world is towards the changes a woman goes through. I do need more time to adjust on the inside. To bond with Zaiire to get my body healthy. I sit at my desk all day and have to pump no walk at lunch time cause the girls get enormous.

But, I think Im ready to continue growing on the inside so my outside can refelct the peace I will feel on the inside.

Z Baby

I love him. He is so much darn fun it almost doesnt seem fair.


Thanks for reading. Id love to read your comments.
Nana

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head


Before I begin, let me bring you up to speed via video of my babies growth. I love him so (born May 5, 2010 - 3 months old now). Just amazed I was lucky enough to be a conduit for him coming here.

VIDEO – 15 DAYS OLD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNznpC4MAD0

VIDEO - ZaiireJasiri 1month and 6days after his first bath 6/8/10 ... Zaiire Jasiri Dean Parris ...

VIDEO VIDEO - Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) 5 weeks old in 3 month old clothing lol 11lbs

VIDEO Reading to Zaiire 2 1/2 months old Daddy P reading to Zaiire

The birth story will be another blog, just know I had to have an emergency c-section from complications the hospital created (exactly like the movie the business of being born said). I have been loving on Zaiire since he came out and now I am at work. 8am – 5pm and I wanna cry from missing him sometimes. It just seems wrong to need to nurse, have my glands fill up(painfully might I add) every few hours and me give it all to a machine until I get home, super tired only to have him on occasion prefer the bottle to me, his mother. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have enough milk stored that pump is my best friend. It means sleep. It means my baby gets the best nutrition for him and I get the best medicine for my fatigue.
I cant describe this phase but I can say that my interest prior to delivering Zaiire of prayer and meditation is so needed right now. I knew what I was gonna need. I needed to increase my faith. And boy do I need it. Im believing too much in what I see right now. What Im hearing right now. Worry, concern .. fear. About money, work, marriage, family, a new house.. just too much. I need to reach for that which I cant see and I do wish I had a better connection before hand however now is not the time for regrets. I just remember wanting to see where I am now when I was pregnant. I wanted to know exactly how hard it would be so that I would be inspired to try harder. What I am learning and have learned is my forceful push to solve and finalize a spiritual regimen was the exact thing that would make this time difficult. The pushing. Im like the child that keeps asking “why, why, why but why” only IM doing it to myself and aggravating myself LOLOOL. So, Ive been sleepwalking and living in my head. Experiencing and trying to figure out at the same time “why” then “how” , how to “fix” things. How to I fix the fact that my boobs swell up with milk hurt and are sore all day long? Cant. Its just how it is. How do I get sleep, feed my baby, work, grow a business and be happy all at the same time? Cant, have to prioritize. My mind knows these things but for some reason Im still asking why over and over again. Sigh, well. I did get one thing right. This blog. I need to get it out. I have also received some excellent constant advice from my cousin who me/enlightened me in on the very thing I need to spend a life time working on.. and that is not to forcefully push or over organize a spiritual expression cause letting your spirit flow is not a regimented thing and my spirited has been boxed up after the physical trauma of child birth and now the survival mode of money making. Just typing this out seems to be a release. I need to get back to it.
Im grateful for the health of my family. Im grateful Im not nauseas anymore Im grateful my baby is storng and healthy. I grateful for the house Im hoping to buy. Im grateful for JEJESAUNA.NET! Im grateful for my sister nieces and mother coming to visit me. Im grateful for my cousin and friends who help me find sanity once a week. Im grateful for my income. Im grateful I will be able to dance soon. Im grateful for sun on my skin. Im grateful for pecan candy and caramel cake. I grateful for sistahs that understand. I grateful for my great grandmother and ancestors that dealt with more than me.Im grateful for my babies smile.
Siiigghh .. I feel a little better. Thanks for reading. Being honest aint easy but it sure is freeing.
Nana

I Had The Baby.. My Son is Here

Who loves him. I do. Born 5/5/10 6:30pm

The story of his transition is one I will type later but Im up and should be sleeping since he has blessed us with a straight sleep of 1am - now 6am. A full 5 hours. We are blessed.

I cant sleep becqause we are naming him today and lots of people (more than I'd like) are coming over to hear his name.

This is a family naming ceremony not a spiritual one so we the parents are in charge.

I feel different but the same. I thought I would become more intense and bolt at the sign of strife around my child but so far the only major strife is the healing I need surroundnig these stitches as a resukt of an emergnecy c-section. Yes emergency. Painful and long story Ill type out later.

My husbands mom is here helping and my day are spent happily responding to the needs ofo an 11 day old newborn. My joy. My heart is full of everthing for him. Hope love joy. I want to cry everytime I see him. Tears of joy of course and releif Imade it through a ro9ugh pregnancy.

A pregnancy that taught me what real friends and family were. What it means for me to have compassion for others even when Im at my lowest. A pregnancy that taught me I have the balls of a dinosaur when I need to pull them out. A pregnanxy that showed me God hasnt forgetten about me and is also with my son. The miracle that had two cords wrapped around his neck.

I have very little small talk for folks these days. I feel full and heavy with emotion. Some of it I need to rinse out as a result of a traumatic and lonely bithing experience. I love my close friends for yanking me out of the lonely feeling every now and then. I wanna cry as I type thinking about how scaared I was in that hospital but had to block it out.

Even now. In my own house. I dont feel the freedom to cry about it all. To let it out wihtout being judged incompetent or overly emotional. Already my husband is dealing withme in a clinical way in hopes of expressing his love through safety. Pushing aside the emotional care (cause its not his forte although he's brewing with love for me) as something thats secondary and separate from sanity. When infact your emotional health is a major part of your sanity I now see.

In the hospital bed, the worst feeling in the world was not being listend to. I would say something and the main response was .."breathe Nana breathe"... it was like everything I said was a different language, Aside from some very supportive moments rom many I also had cell phones pushed in my face to "say hi" while I was in labor and overheard side conversations about random things while the worst contractions (petosin induced) in the world ravaged my body. Id grip the sheets and someone was making small talk on the phone about the progression of everything.

It was surreal. I couldnt believe it.

Its over now and the olingering effects are physically daunting but my little chocolate cloud of joy is laying next to me. He is perfect.

I need to pray befor eth eceremony. I need to pray hat God guide my mouth and I stay strong inthe face of those who care but if they smell weakness it could be amo for those who have not had my best interest at heart in the past that are attending. I am so glad my invitees have and are bringing compassion to the room cause even in the extended fasmily circle everyone doesnt wish you well.

On thepositive side, the ceremony is the beginning our how my son will define himself. I need to pray now more than ever. Especially for him. That God watches over him and keeps his hert and mind clear of fear.

I do feel different. I feel like praying.

Please excuse typos. I dont plan to go back and clean it up.

LoveNana

"... its been a long time since I left you, without a dope .."

aaaand I'm back. Talk about a long stretch. I feel different today. This morning. Its about 6am and Im up trying to down my water, still a challenge, and I really am getting close to the end of the pregnancy but not my challenge. I wish I knew what it was specifically that I'm afraid of when it comes to praying and meditating. I can only guess I'm afraid it won't help. Which is insane because every single time I do it does. What in the world is that all about?

Am I worried that I will grow beyond people I love and miss them? Am I worried that God will laugh at my efforts? Am I worried that I I wont be consistent? Well, one thing I do know is I definitely beat up and punish myself as if Im my own medieval flogging preacher and worshiper every time things don't go as my little head thinks it should. Typing things out helps cause reading over my own thoughts shows I had no idea I was so punitive of my own actions when God and he faith I want to reinforce is so loving and forgiving. This is why I'm sure I need regular help.

Some great things have happened. The closer I'm getting to delivering, the more people have come out to support the journey. The larger my belly gets the sweeter my husband gets. The visual side of pregnancy matters 100%. I never knew that. I thought maybe I could get a 30/70 split leaning towards support no matter how big I was but nope, what a good lesson in reality. Just like out of sight out of mind. I dont think if it wasnt for facebook folks would remember I was even pregnant. But I dont take offense at all its just truely a shattering of this mystical image I had in my head of how pregnancy would be. Sort of like a woman being fed the fairytale image of marriage. I was never ever one of those women and thought I had an edge, then I got pregnant and needed a Rehab center to survive the sobering effects of what pregnancy and the treatment of pregnant women is really like.

Don't get me wrong Im not trying to say its all bad I just have to be honest and say my imagination and expectations FAR surpassed the experience and I now see through journaling that that was my number one battle. Sigh, truly sobering.

The blessing is that folks have decided to accompany me still as I continued to learn it like kind grandparent, loving but allowing to fall and fail and get hurt and cry and 'express disappointment' and contemplate and reflect and strategize.. and basically over think the hell out of being pregnant LOL.

Well, I'm so thankful to those and for the forced experiences that make me sit down and just be thankful. The most current forced experience has been .... a CONTRACTION! LOL

********* 365 Meditation and Prayer twice a day ***********

So, the challenge. In my last blog/journal entry I wanted to find a community but have been so preoccupied with going on leave from work and organizing the home I seem to have blocked everything out.

I have noticed I've reverted back to verbal dumping of fears and concerns onto friends. Sorry ya'll. I know its a balance that occurs in friendships but Im ready to grow beyond making friends my only source. Its a taxing job for someone who is only human. I think my ego forgets peer to peer counseling is not the most humbling experience since we are all in the same boat. Talking to God humbles me instantly. Maybe thats adding to my resistance. So I'm not giving up on he challenge. I have avoided it lately and used as an excuse... what would it matter if I didnt. But it matters a lot. I dont want to give up on growing. Not just because of the baby but because I said I wanted to be a better person. I dont want to be a big fat chicken and limit myself when the people before me didnt limit themselves.

Im back on the horse again. And will be more forgiving of myself when I mess up and shorten the time span for trying again. Honestly I think that is a massive theme in my life in most areas. I need to meditate on releasing all of that.

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*************The Pregnancy **************

Stretch Marks

Apparently lotioning everyday is not the only thing you are supposed to do. Sigh....

The other assignment seems to be;

-wear your belly brace as often as possible no matter how much the baby punches it

-dont walk around at all so gravity can not help the fault lines form

- dont just focus on the part of the belly you can see when heavily lotioning LOL

- dont just lotion after a shower. hit the stomach up as often as possible sigh

I just wish I knew these things ahead of time lol

Baby

The baby is larger.. muuuch larger. My ribs are less tender but the sharp jabs that to the baby is finding a comfortable nook by its foot have not stopped.

The baby is fun and funny. I cant wait to match the out of womb personality with the in the womb personality. Sometimes I worry about hurting it when I bend down but the doctors tell me repeatedly the baby is ok. Before, I felt movement now I feel a person inside me. So so strange. I feel it completely. It never gets old. Ever.

People

Apparently the number 1 question now from people I dont know well is that I am 8+ months is " .. so , are you scared about the delivery." then I see an invisible bowl of popcorn come out like Im the matinee show before their main activity for the day. Funny how near strangers will dib and dab at emotional questions when you are pregnant that they wouldntr for any other topic like " so.. before your divorce hearing were you scared?".

The great thing is about people now is that they are allowing me more space to be me. Pregnancy give you an authenticity pass in public cause folks want to believe the only reason you are acting a certain way is because you are pregnant. Its all very interesting, but I do feel much better about dealing with people.

I heard a friend tell me recently the Maya Angelou was being interviewed on the Tom Joyner Morning show (not a fan but happy about the community work he does). One of the female interviewers ask Maya Angelou if she ever had an affair. Maya told her, " honey there are just somethings you dont ask a lady in public. Now get her in private and there's no telling what she'll say but there are just some things you dont ask a woman in public." Not all people ofcourse, but some are just without any home training and they all have something to say.

Whats REALLY funny is the "people" who without asking to touch your belly reach to touch it say, not 5 mins later, "when I was pregnant I hated when people didnt ask me to touch my belly." And I'm thinking, what alternate universe is she living in cause she just reached for mine without asking? Craziness LOL

Labor

I have absolutely no idea what to expect other than various levels of pain. Im praying some music and my number one coping mechanism, jokes, will help but who knows. I do know that Im actively blocking out the fear peddlers cause they are all over the place like some Stephen King movie.

I had a few light contractions and went to the hospital last week. I saw the maternity ward for the first time. They werent letting visitors through cause of the Swine Flu.. wait no the H1N1 thing. They wanted the flu season to pass. So we got to talk to the nurses about the policies and my mind was laid to rest about a lot of worries that day. I feel positive now about going in.

The only thing I wish is if I had someone for me to be there for my delivery since now its just me Parris and his mom. My mom was gonna be my coach but she's not gonna make it. I know Ill be fine but I wish that was different.

I also think about the dangers of labor sometimes. Parris and I had "the talk" if something happened he wanted to know my wishes as far as saving the baby or saving me. I told him without question save the baby. Ive had a good run here and Im truly satisfied with my life. If I had to leave I know for a fact I have done my best to love people and not try to make them guess if I love them or not. Its the baby's turn.

Friends

Friends have been love peddlers and I can't thank them enough. Truly, I cant. I must say I wasnt good at it before but it really is nice to receive.

Family

I miss them more and more each day of this journey and am thankful for those who behave like family here in ATL. I would have a different experience without them.

In a Bubble

Lately I havent only NOT been doing my challenge, I have been contemplating if the challenge is helping as much as I need it to. I started the challenge thinking the prayer and meditation would reveal things to me. It has to some extent but the closer i get to delivering the more worried I get that I am not spiritually equipped to handle the process and other people.

Life is changing big time and I have a greater need for receiving good energy from others than before. With this challegne and the pregnancy I feel like I am in a bubble. A bubble walking on a journey only I can do. Just me. No one else can be this beautiful baby's mama. Carry it. Deal with everything that comes with the reality that my dad raised me primarily and I have no idea how to be a mother. Only I can face that and in this bubble I see people wanting me to smile and cheese and speak positive only. Care for te baby and never be negative. So, Ive been feeling myself become fake, something Ive never done. I dont know if its becoming fake to please people and keep them away or if I just dont know any other way to respond to these massive changes and truthful experiences. Im learning through NOT meditating that without a spiritual community that inquires about your heart, your prayer, your fears.

I look at people and I know they have troubles just like I do. I know they have challenges. I also know that my personal fears and challenges wont go away with a blog. I am also learning they wont go away with me keeping them to myself. I want to keep the challenge so I dont isolate myself. This blog is my way of staying honest with the people I care about but I now see that I need help or.. company on my spiritual journey.

I am not sure if sitting in a chapel, then socializing afterwards is really helpful to me. I wish I could be like some who do everythign privately and get results. They go to a church or a mosque etc. and socialize and go to work and .... blah blah and they pray in private and reconcile thier confusion, thier fears and hopes in private. They get replenished and continue going on and on and on. I beleive those people exist. At this moment in my life, I am at a crossroads and want to choose a peaceful foundation. A consistency I have not incorporated.

So, now I want to add that in addition to prayer and meditation I want to find a spiritual community. Not a cult or a watered down social network. A simple, basic, sincere place to be me. Happy, sad, confused, imperfect, uncomfrtable, comfortable.. me. People who are also on a journey but the environment and goals of the practice inspire them to want to deal with the insides of a person. If I am missing for a while and am going through a major change, those people wont wait for me to ask for help. They will call or visit and offer. The community will be just as flawed as others. It will have an understanding of the pull of modern times and schedules and economics but operate in a fashion that is easy. Simple.

I feel like now I can have something to ask for in my prayers and listen for in my meditation. I would like guidance towards that. In the past I researched several monotheistic religions. I attended religious ceremonies. I realized it didnt matter the practice it was the people I didnt trust. I didnt see anything but selfishness in people. Unplanned, survival of the fittest selfishness. Emotion driven selfishness. I was already trying to shake that myself. Still am. This emotion driven life is all over the place and absolutely no fun lol.

So, has this journal/blog helped. Yes. Its open. Humbling. I read over entries know full well a whole ONE person may be reading and am still a bit embarrased by certain things but I'm happy to release it. The harm.. I dont think there is a harm but writing this with minimal feedback has shown me how much I need feedback on my spiritual journey and I cant expect friends who have not signed up to be 'spiritual friends' to join me. Its a bit egotistical and I get it now.

Its easy to confuse a call for help in the spiritual department as an egotistical push for attention. I really just projected a need on people who were not put here to guide me anywhere. I get it now.

*********** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day *************

Ah.. the ambition of it all LOL. I knew I would learn something but now Ive learned more than I ever imagined. Ive learned not what I want but what I need. Time to prayer for help finding a spiritual community big or small that does the above or what God knows I need. Im not meant to travel this journey alone. Thats what this challenge is teaching me.

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Ill keep you posted. And for the very few. Thanks for reading. Atleast if my baby asks one day who its mother was, those reading my thoughts in this journal/blog can have an answer from my rawest thoughts.

Love yall
Nana

On my way back

Ok, Im back again. For some reason this morning I feel better. Or wait.. not better but more hopeful about things. I have absolutely no detailed plan but I feel better. I was a sad face zombie yesterday but today mama is back and ready to prepare for the new formula. I think I needed to mourn the loss of the "old plan" and now on to a new plan. (laughing) I still have absolutely no idea how Im gonna do it especially when everyone thinks you are ok all the time and that you are superwoman and that itll all work out so some just disappear and come back when it 'worked out' lol. But Ill make it either way.

There are so many women with much less that succeeded but Im talking about me and right about now I feel like an enthusiastic 12 year old in the game. No skills no wisdom lol just enthusiasm and hope. Im thankful God has presented something inside me from somewhere to shake this fear loose enough to plan and prepare.

What I have learned so far is, when Im physically sick everything seems dismal. I have sooo much respect for those who are chronically sick and keep thier own spirits and other peoples up. Not breathing through your nose and back pain keeping you up at night makes you a cranky person lol. So, today Im going to survey some options for help once the baby comes and plan to succeed in this uncharted territory.

******* The CHallenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day **********

So far we are 2 months and three days into the challegne and I tell you there were days where no prayer nor meditation happened. The only thing that tried to happen was sleep. I truely feel like no matter what my condition I should be praying and meditating and Im hoping staying focused on this challenge will help me continue to consider it.

Now that Im nominally stuffy and physically feeling a little better I defintiely am going to pray and meditate this morning. I have the time and dont feel a physcial distraction.

Ill have to blog about it tonight.
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Pregnancy

I have an appointment Tuesday at 11 I think where I need to present my birthing plan to the physician. Things I want to happen during the birth like people I want in the room. Stuff I dont want to have happen like I cant take people yelling at me (lol). So anyhoo, Ihave to work on that.

Baby

Love the baby. Love it.

Not a good feeling

I found out my mom isnt doing well health wise yesterday. The last time she visited she had a seizure in front of me. It was hoirrible. She is set to come down and I cant tell you how hapy I was cause we never got to spend a lot of time together as I was growing up. I wanted to ask her face to face so many questions. Things I could only ask in person. As I am on my way to becoming a mother I feel I can do it, I can be a good mom even though I spent little time with my own. Im just sad today because she may not be well enough to stay long. I said with this blog I would be honest and right now, I dont feel very happy. I want to put on a smiley face cause as soon as someone sees a pregnant woman crying they immediately want her to stop. I just need to get it out I think.

The doctor said her diabetes is barely being managed, her cholesterol is extremely high along with her blood pressure. They basically said shes a prime candidate for a heart attack at any moment. I know I shouldnt focus on the negative. I guess part of me was just really looking for the story book experience like all of us. We watch movies or hear stories, sometimes exaggerated sometimes not, about other peoples family experiences and we cry for what we never knew. I can easily say it wasnt all bad growing up and it wasnt. Ive been very very blessed. But right now I dont feel like speaking in a very balanced way.

I think because Im sick right now and in the house laid up with minimal sleep the night before I just am sad right now. My primary way of dealing is to get organized and find another solution. My friend Bonnie said I can just shorten the stay but I am so very worried about her health and I wont be strong enough to help her and the baby if something happens. So much is riding on my mom changing years of habitual eating and lifestyle behavior in a short amount of time. I want to have faith all will be well but I want to be smart. Pretending all will be well wont make it well. I was so excited about her staying atleast two months. But I know it wont be possible for her to stay that long. This sucks. I really was excited about her coming. Really excited. It felt good to say for once in my life my mom was coming to help me. I know I can do anything I set my mind to but I honestly didnt see myself alone going through my first time mothering my baby. What was I thinking in life traveling around trying to find myself. Now Im in a city with barely any blood relatives, inlaws who are sweet but are more distant in behavior than my family and my first pregnancy. I could have set it up better than this. But whats done is done. At some point in the day Ill suck it up and realize my blessings and know that so many have it much worse, much much worse than me. But right now I am just taking a moment to be honest and say that Im so sad my mom wont be with me. Family will be flying in and out but not staying a while. What was I thinking?

***** The challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ****

One would say this is the perfect time to pray. Old me would say its a perfect time to go dancing. This is the time when I wish there were 7 drummers infront of me and friends dancing around me so the fear and sadness can go away. I have doubts that prayer and meditation can help. I want to go outside and walk in the sun cause its nice out but my sinuses are killing me and my body is sleep deprived. I know after I pray Ill feel better. It has happened so many times in the past. I guess I just feel like this pregnancy is making me as strong as people think I already am. cause I dont feel too strong today. I hope I decide to have a little faith and pray and meditate today.

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Pregnancy

Well still in the home stretch and even though Im sad right now Im so very thankful. So much about being pregnant I dont like. An older woman told me if we all shared everything that happens during pregnancy no woman would want to do it. Well, I dont have anything beuatiful to say about it right now. Maybe try another blog.

Baby

The most beautiful thing about the journey. The baby is the best. It makes me smile at times like this.

Physically Sick but Emotionally Healthy

So I woke up today after being sick, some head cold thats trying to get me, and was ready to ... drink some orange juice. Prayer wasnt the first thing on my mind but honestly it was the second. I got me cup and with a good morning roll from the baby I asked it if it wanted to pray with me this morning. Something has happened different in the last few weeks with my interaction with the baby. I feel its body parts more. Lik I feel a different between a foot and a knee. Before I couldnt tell what was happening so I chalked it all up to a punch. But lately I am feeling a little person in my stomach. It sounds silly right. The little person has always been there but ususally I needed the ultrasound to tell me where it was, how it was positioned... etc. But now, without the ultrasound (I am dying to get the 3/4D but its too expensive) I am left to talking to elbows and knees and a little butt rubbing up against me. A lady told me I will miss it. I know she is right. I do feel physically awful though but emotionally I feel so much stronger. I had a great session and experience with the Doula Sunday. She chose to take me on a walk through a nature reserve. I didnt even know I needed that. It was so peaceful. I am not through and through an outdoors type perse but I do loooove nature. I can walk around mud and jump through a creek but if you ask me to sleep in a tent where mosquitos are taking over I will squeal and run.

It was nice. We talked ab9out my true feelings. About how I am processing the things that are difficult for me to rinse from my system when they happen. Before preganancy I just buried things then danced them out. That was my process and it worked. The problem is it was at the expensive of other things. I needed to dance like some needed something to drink in the mniddle of a week. Whether it was West African or Salsa or dancehall or interpretive I just loved it because it saved me from dealing with the emotions that hurt during the day, or week. I couldnt understand mean people but then, mean people or hurt people showed up inthe dance area and then I was all messed up. (laughing) I knew I needed to grow new tools of coping but I knew as long as God gave me dance and music I wasnt going to do it. Along came my little miracle.

This miracle in my tummy took me down the short and hard road for becoming tougher (not fully tough yet but Im better). I was too sick to dance. The doctor put me on bedrest. I was miserable. I felt like an addict going through withdrawl. I also didnt have people to cheer me up cause they were on thier own dance floor healing from their own day. I was lost, sad and by the end wanted to become bitter. I wanted to shoo people away for good cause I went through those first few months feeling alone with no dance and it scared me. Now, I can say dance is an addition to my day not a drug for my pain. Does it curb things yes but this miracle and mniracle process is teaching me to grow up and know what true emotional health feels like. Its a daily goal that requires me to rinse out these mean/hurt people who spiritually attack you throwing the pain someone cased them on you, pregnant or not.

***** The Challenge Prayer & meditation twice a day 365days*****

Well My prayer this morning was divine. I read a passage from the daily thought to the baby. the baby rolled around and I pretended to translate tis rolling into English. The passage talked about knowing for a fact without a doubt God is the strongest thing out there. The affirmation was "I know that I know". As I read, I read it to the baby. I read things I did want the baby, this miracle for me to know abo9ut God. I thought to myself "there is so much I am not sure of how can I teach God to a person when I have a shaky relationship on my end at best with God?". I contradict my beliefs everyday and just as I saw my father and mother's contradictions the baby will see mine. I quietly thought why try? But then I remembered it was God's choice and the babies choice to come to me just as God and I choose my parents. I am no longer a child. I must accept the daily responsibility of this challegne and continue trying. ITs really amazing to admit your own immaturity.

*********************************************

The Pregnancy

They say from this week, 28th week, my stomach will grow 1/2 and inch a week until delivery. Thats just crazy. How will I make it down the Soul Train Line at my party? LOLOL

When I do the math I will be exactly 9 months pregnant at the party LOL what was I thinking? (dying laughing). Oh I know, I was thinking I needed all the good energy and distraction I can take from thinking about this already large child passing through my tiny vagina LOL. I know this is a standard thing for God to coordinate and many have done it however I feel like I have the largest poo ever about to happen and I have no idea how it will make its way out LOL. Ok sorry for being gross but this is what THIS pregnant lady is thinking about.

The Baby

The baby has slepping patterns definitely and Im hoping my practice is encouraging healthy sleeps through the night LOL. I loooove this baby. I love talking to the baby in the shower and trying to figure out what its saying to me. I still have NO CLUE who this person is but Im so happy about the introductions that are soon to take place.

Work.

Sigh.. what can I say. Im ready to spedn my days organizing and cleaning but I want that extra dough to save before I cant do anything. Im worried about not being able to contribute or my saving being empty. I also dont like sitting all day but I am thankful for the gig. te people are fairly nice.


Sorry forthe typos.

Love ya
Nana

I had another dream

*Picture: My Lousiana family on my mama side. New Roads, Louisiana. My Grandmother gave birth to 11 children and with my grandfather created this legacy wihtout a cellphone, ipod, laptop or blog LOL.

Its about 5am Friday and after an evening of throwing up five hours of food (gross I know) I faded into a slept that seemed low energy but free strangely enough. I beleive Im moving into the last few monhs where they say the baby presses more on your lungs and stomach so the nausea continues. It makes me think about my great grandmother, friends far away, sisters, aunts just people I can be weak around. But, thankfully I married a kind man. Im so glad that although we both have challenges we are kind to each other when its important. I had to have had five or six runs to the restroom and that is exhausting to say the least. He rubbed my back and encouraged me. I was thankful. We sat and chatted and both faded into sleep witht he thought that it will only be a few more months to go.

***** My Dream Last night *********

My dream. There are sections that led into each other but all so vivid. I like sharing my dreams cause I feel like it really happened and typing it makes me remember what was in them matter somehow in my life or someone elses life.

One section was my mothers mother Jesse Mae and she was in a house that looked like hers but it was different. She was getting ready and looked younger. Still her bbut young. I noticed her closet door open and some shoes were on the ground. Iv eneber noticed my grandmothers shoes. THere was a pair of brown flats with a sling back (not usually my style) simple enough to wear with a lot of things and I really liked them. I mentioned to her shed better be glad we werent the same size cause I really liked her shoes. She said she was a size nine. I said "me too". I tried them on and she said I could borrow them. If you know my grandmother You know she is a strong character and loaning shoes to a grandchild is not her thing. I dont know what that was all about but its the first time Ive ever dreamed about my grandmother. She then left.

The next section of the dream I was witnessing a festival. I dont know if someone told me in the dream, wait it was mentioned that it was an Ogun festival., People were dressed up and I mentioned or thought hm during the same time as Mardi Gras (which is not the case). Everyone was celebrating and dressed up. Especially those practitioners of the Yoruba faith. They were in the streets dancing and then I saw a group of paraders in my age group (maybe a ten yr span both ways) who straddled the fence between a contemporaqry lifestyle and a traditional lifestyle. They were crowding a mid height darkskinned man who seemed to be "one fo them". It was said in the dream he was to be a great leader that would unify all of the different groups that followed that faith but apparently some legal accusations were made abo9ut him and the police were looking for him. The plan during the festival was to hide him and I looked in his eyes and they said he knew he would be away for a long time then return in his 50s or 60s to lead and unify his people. I am in no way a knowledgable person about the different Yoruba people nor practitioners but this dream was so vivid I had to waddle over and type it. I remember feeling a little sorry for hinm and his sacrafice but feeling sure that I may not be around to see it all transpire. Dont know why.

Anyway the last phase of the dream I walked into a greyhound bus terminal and witnessed an interview taking place from people I didnt know on how comfortable and affordable Greyhound was. How the seats reclined and it was much different. I ended up on the bus where two old girlfriends from Howard sat talking about how different but yet the same I was. Then my girlfriend came on and talked about the festival and how nice it was to see everyone coming together. Her husband and son were ther. I played with her son and then noticed we were driving through Howards campus and I needed to get off but the bus driver said I mnissed my stop. I waited and looked at all the bags I need to carry. Finally I tell the bus driver to let me off but I sat a little too long. He did but I dont remember the walk.

So that was my dream. Im so sleepy still and have no idea what to put in my belly but after the last blog I had a dream that I timie traveled and learned that trying to fix everything and everyone takes too much energy and is like playing God. I really appreciated that dream because the night before I returned to my challenge and prayed and asked God for help with my fear of making bad choices. That dream reminded me I need to enjoy the moment moment so I was very very thankful.

This dream makes me wonder. It makes me more aware of the passing of the baton thats about to happen when this birth occurs. What role I will play by being a mother of a child that deserves to be fed what he or she needs to feel whole and survive in this world. How can I take the blessings of my grandmother's (all of them) sacrafices and be worthy of fitting into a legacy of people that remembered the big picture while having a hand in raising me. I guess, the dream made me remember its bigger than me. Im sure there are other interpretations but just wanted to share.

****** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day******

Currently Im at once a day for prayer. I actually did yoga earlier this week but have been sick via a cold and nausea so the physical issues with the pregnancy have trumpted so much. But I continue to have easier prayer experiences. I feel less anxiety about "messing up prayer". I feel calmer these days. I am missing some siritual comradery. Id love to have a regular small group of people to discuss my spiriaul growth milestones with. I think it would help fortify me when I have a freak out session when something goes wrong. Consistency in spiritual strength is not my strong suit. But Im hoping through this challenge that changes. I need more consistent faith.

******************************************************

Something Good.. no Great.

This week someone injected thier power to make things a bit harder for me and it sent me off the deep end. I was pissed. I learned about myself that Im the type to let it out so it doesnt get buried but need more permanent ways of not allowing that one incident trigger old fears of failure. So something great was my little sister happened to be available and she was (as usual) so wise and understanding about how she helped me isolate the anxiety and not tie it to old "failures" that I was able to move through it all much quicker. I was so thankful to her. During this time of a new responsibility of becoming a mother and onyl a few months left I really have been worried and anxious about being a bad mama. Or being irresponsible. I dont want that for my baby. But she was a great mirror for me and reminded me to look at the whole picture and stop weighing mistakes more than my successes. I love her and am lucky to have her.

Pregnancy

Um. What can I say. A couple more months to go. The baby is so strong. I have been cutting back on my hours at work and thats helped. I always had the option. Just finally woke up and (with encouragement from my friend Vonn) accepted I need more time to focus on my health and the last few months of the pregnancy.

The Baby

The baby is getting big. I hear the last few months can be a growth spirt for your belly. As I always have typed and though each stage of the way. I acn imagine my stomach getting any bigger. I asked the baby last night, "If you are a girl kick once and if you are a boy kick twice." Immediately after asking the baby kicked four times LOL.

People

I have been better at taking people. Its amazing what they will say. One guy I hadnt seen in a while, like 6 years or so said " I didnt even recognize you you've gotten so big". In front of all these people. Ive never been a quick person with retaliatory come backs. I just said immediately after "you must mean big and fine". I didnt say, "Im seven months pregnant you fool thanks a lot." I think the people around me thought it for me. I rode away remembering how arrogant and angry he was a long time ago, It annoyed me back then. And now I feel sorry for him. But a few days later I found myself looking in the mirror and talking more about being fat. Its amazing the spiritual warfare that goes on in the streets around people who make putting others down look like second nature behavior. It took a few days of acknowledging his comment tapped into an insecurity then I finally let it go. He was one person. There are others like him cause they have all in one way or another been more vocal with me during the pregnancy. Like this was the BEST time to throw thier fear my way. And then, there are the people who have shown me so much unconditional love I can barely type. People who have reminded me how lucky I am to have them in my life and thos people far out weight the others. You have no choice but to receive when you are pregnant and if you are primarily a giver its a scary but beautiful new gift each time its given. I wish every pregannat woman had the supportive people I have. Im grateful.

As always, please please forgive the typos. Im trying to stick to atleast one aspect of the challegne by typing the blog frequently and proof reading seems to become second everytime to sleep or food.

Love,

Nana

So I think I’ve completely abandoned the challenge these last few days. So funny how the thing you need is what you avoid. I think maybe since I’ve been so pooped I just have been running to sleep. So much is going on. I had my first contraction. It was the pre-term one (Braxton Hicks) so its normal so I’m told. I have been so unbelievably tired. I get ready for bed thinking, I hope I get rest. And I rarely do. It’s a bit discouraging. At work I’m constantly thinking, “ I should be drinking water now, prenatal pills … on and on and on”. It’s a lot, for me at least. My mind never ever stops think and wondering if I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do each day to give the baby what it needs. A perfect reason to pray. I hope by the end of this challenge I will have found some balance cause my commitment is as irregular as my mood swings.
I cant wait to start dancing this weekend. I’m going to the dance studio to work on a choreography. My Saturday is looking really really full. Pretty soon my answer to 99% of request will be no thank you.


********** Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ********
Just doing sporadic morning and evening lay down conversation sessions with God. I have no idea why I am losing the drive. I think I feel by myself in this task. Maybe if I had company. Do I really need others that bad to accomplish such an important goal? Half of me wants to beat up on myself and the other half wants to yield to my own needs and limitations.
When I wake up, my first thought is not positive. Its “I’m tired” (laughing). By the morning its my 7th or 8th time in the night getting up to pee and I know I have a minimum of 45mins of food prep and supplement for the day before leaving for work. All I can think of is, “get the food ready”. I’m exhausted lately. I feel myself becoming a bit pessimistic and overwhelmed due to the fatigue. Maybe this challenge is what I need to redirect my thinking. I doubt it will take away the fatigue but I have to believe the negative thoughts are not making things any better.
Wish me luck. Its hard committing to something alone. But I wont give up.

***************************************************


Pregnancy

Going going.. trying to enjoy moments lol frustrated with not having my full capacity to "fix" things for myself.

The baby is excellent and I love it

Do what you neeed cause you need it.

So nI had a dream I went to Egypt with Michelle and a guy friend. I dont remember the who the guy was but I went to egypt. I was a tourist and walked on sand. I saw a truck ride by on the sand creating fake steps for a marcing band to follow. Yes, a marching band. It was Southern University's marching band. Then the kiddie version marched by. I asked Michelle if I could take an evening flight and make it back for work the next day and she didnt look confident. We decided to walk toward the Nile River. The river was wide and it reminded me of standing on the levy by my grandmothers house watching the Mississippi rush by. But the sun was shining brighter in this scene. We stood and I thought to myself, how can life be bad living near something like the Nile.

Well, that was my dream and yesterday I felt good physically. I'd been meeting the last three or four weeks with my friend who is a doula for birthing/nutrition/baby planning classes and the nutrition part was really paying off. Transitioning from a diet that accomodated a horrible nauseas 4-5months is very different then the diet of a pregnant woman that needs some very basic things. I was/am scared to eat raw salads cause as much as I love them they made me throw up instantly. But Im trying them plus supplements in smoothies she helped me design based on my specific needs. In valuable. I really really needed to have someone to talk to and I am so glad somewhere in my lost pregnancy-ness lol I sought out what I needed. I spent yesterday feeling so much better. I couldnt beleive it. I couldnt believe how bad I was feeling before. Just like the dehydration. Its funny what we will deal with when we dont know any better. Well thank God for my friend's knowldege and my own personal desire to get what I need cause I can see easily how this could have been a miserable pregnancy.

I came home and was hit with this wave of panic instantly that

1. Im getting bigger

2. I wont be able to take care of myself in a little while

3. Im getting bigger

4. I have to figure out how I will survive and plan the next six months AND take care of my new baby

I know, I sound like a single mother with no husband no family and no friends. None of that is true. I remember the six weeks of bedrest and how lonely that was and Im frightened it will be repeated. I think thats the problem. Well what you fear s what you create and Im praying 'literally this morning to not be at the mercy of unhappy circumstances.

We are planning. We both meet with the doula for the classes but my lack of sticking to my challenge due to being naive and just plain feeling bad physically had me abandon the one saving grace on this scary new beautiful journey Im on all by myself. No one can push this baby out for me. Its a daunting responsibility and a rites of passage just for me that has another being's life at stake. I guess I just miss having my great grandmother around to help me feel strong. Strong like the women before me who had no clue either. Its so important to have elder women around when these major life changes happen. They remind you what you are made of without saying much but "peel these potatos".

Well after my panic attack LOL I ofcourse dozed off to sleep and was just exhuasted from the day. On a good day I am exhausted by 4pm.

I also had a good convo with my cousin Jabez. Its nice to be continuing to build with new family and with friends who take the time to listen and have a genuine interest in you being ok.

And Parris. Parris has been very busy and on his own journey through this. Its funny how marriage will teach you how to respect someone elses path, someone elses rites of passage. The difference is this process is different for men and women and although we respond different and are affected differently we are forced to share the same timeline and are forced to find a way through being completely clueless and new to agree on major things. He's been so kind to me while still bumping along in the dark himself and I try to rememebr that.

So, back to the challenge cause clearly my slipping has leeft me in a tizzy.

******************* 365 days of Prayer & Meditation twice a day ***************

I started December 18th and today is January 26th. Its been over a month Ive been doing this challenge while being pregnant and I tell you LOLOL I needed it and its hard.

Most mornings now I have a truncated timeline but still a fruitful experience. I sit on the couch, belly has gotten bigger and my back is feeling it big time, and talk to God outloud still. Its been working for me. I still say my fears and learn how I can overcome them just by hearing them come out. They sound silly but Im always glad that I dont need to be embarrased when talking to God. I then without planning move into being thankful. I say things that are small and large I'm thankful for. I do feel myself becoming stronger each time I do it. In the last seven to nine days Ive prayed 80% in the morning and 5% at night. The fatigue is kicking my butt.

The meditation. My meditations have turned into straight sleep in the night time hours. I heard someone say if you fall asleep during meditation then you needed it. Trust me I was knocked out. When I first started I was a lot more frustrated with myself for not doing it. Now I am developing a bit more compassion for myself and I just have not been feeling well. I still want to know how people with chronic illness focus past the physical discomfort and still find a place of peace. I know its possible. For now my morning meditations are breif but potent as well. I like that feeling now. Its becoming something I have a taste for. Calmness.

******************************************************

The Pregnancy

The classes and help with nutrition has become invaluable. I went to the doctor last week for a check up and I cant tell you how much western patient care is not my friend. Crazy part is I really like my doctor but shes like the boyfriend thats fabulous but his career doesnt allow him to spend quality time with you so I dont want to cancel the dates cause you like him but you leave frustrated cause you know you needed more time to get what you need.

Food

So I was instructed by the Doula class leader to track my eating and I did. She provided me with a form and I wrote it alll down. She assessed it last week and gave some excellent recommendations that honestly was the key to me feeling better. Im so happy about that. I went shopping like a lost puppy that has recently graduated to "knowing what I need land". It was nice and now my days are spent preparing the foods me and the baby need. Its a feelingyo9u cant replace.

Baby

Strong and clear. This baby has developed a relationship with its mama that includes elbowing the poo out of me to remind me its here and boy do I love it. The pain, no but the communication yes. I love this baby.

People

Its interesting cause as I change people have been changing. Some friends talk to me more. I think some were scared I wouldnt make it this far since I did experience a miscarriage four years ago. I think some just were busy and others didnt know how much I needed them.

I have learned to limit gatherings that have people Id rather not spend a lot of time with and I have lightened up on people and my expectations of them. Ive lightened up tremendously. Just praying that when Im in need I will help the help I need to make it through. I know God has never dropped me on my butt before so no need to worry now. People have been good. I think I can see that better now cause I have been feeling better and stronger.

Daddy

Daddy is getting into a good rhythm. The classes have been enlightening for us both. We were given a sheet with a list of values and those values were things we value about the birthing experience to be. We learned a lot and it was nice to know what he valued. The classes are helping a lot.

***************** The picture ************

Thats my mother at Southern University in Louisiana with my aunt, may she rest in peace. I look at photos of my mom when she was young and I know she had to be just as clueless as I was. Not only was she probably scared but they had deafening effects of racism all around them. Somuch to deal with. I have only seen a few pics of my mother pregnant and she wasnt smiling in any of them LOL. I completely understand why now. But I think thats why I choose to smile so much in my pics I want the baby to know how happy I am its coming. I want the baby to look back and know that mama was happy. I hope the journals I write can give the balance to a seemingly 1 emotion photo.

My mom is coming down to help and although I didnt grow up with her I am looking forward to learning more about her and how it was for her when she was pregnant with me.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the typos, hunger is taking over proof reading time.

:) Nana

Where you focus is where you live

Im nauseus today. Trying not to focus on it. The baby is a joy. Definitely developing a character. Prayer is a saving grace cause this Haiti situation would have hurt my heart too muich if I hadnt begun praying.

Honestly Im trying not to throw up at work right now. Can't wait to meet the baby.

*** Baby update ********

* here is a reference on 24week old fetus and mama development from a preganancy website.

This week your baby's crown-to-rump length is around 8.4 inches and your baby will weigh approximately 1.2 pounds. Although it weighs a little over a pound at this point, your growing baby is still tiny. Your uterus can easily be felt 1.5 to 2 inches above your bellybutton. The fetus does not appear to have much room in the uterus anymore, but as your pregnancy progresses, space gets much tighter! Because your uterus is expanding and putting a great amount of pressure on your abdomen, you might get stretch marks. (LORD HAVE MERCY) Your weight gain may also be taking a toll on your body at this point. Many pregnant women experience backaches(CHECK), bladder problems, sore feet and fatigue(CHECK) that affect their daily routines. You might also have some nasal stuffiness or nosebleeds(SIGH CHECK). Your baby's face is basically complete now. (AWWW) The fetus's eyes are close together on the front of his face and they are still shut. Your baby's ears have moved into their final position on the sides of his head.

Where they are now is where they will be when your baby is born! Hair will continue to grow on his scalp and his eyelashes are well developed. Most of your baby's features look the same as they will at birth. Because your growing baby is getting plumper, he no longer has room in your tummy to do cartwheels and somersaults. (PUHLEASE this baby is definitely creating opportunities where there were none LOL)Now is a good time to ask about prenatal classes being offered in your area. (WE STARTED TWO WEEKS AGO) Many local hospitals offer classes for expectant women and their families. You should aim to complete the classes approximately one month before your due date. You may sometimes get a stitch-like pain in your side from time to time. It's simply the muscles of the uterus stretching. (UHHH YEP!)

the unborn child is covered with a fine, downy hair called lanugo. Its tender skin is protected by a waxy substance called vernix. Some of this substance may still be on the child's skin at birth at which time it will be quickly absorbed. The child practices breathing by inhaling (up to a liter/day) amniotic fluid into developing lungs.

Illusion of the drug 'Normalcy'... up early again

Its 3:37am and I cant sleep. From the sinuses to other audible distractions I’m thoroughly irritated thinking about struggling through another work day sleepy tomorrow. Everyone thats a parent or mom, and I do mean everyone, with a smirk or with love says “get all the sleep you can cause when the baby comes you’ll want to cry from sleep deprivation”. Little do they know this pregnancy, minus a few blissful weeks, has been riddled with sleep deprivation. Knowing there is a visual ball of joy and tears and hunger waiting for me when I get home is one thing but the frustration to know that the only company you have is a stuffy nose to distract you from a silent home and a good nights sleep is more than frustrating.

As I laid here listening to my own nose’s symphony of rhythmic struggling sounds I want to get dressed and head straight to my $25 Korean sauna house ( jejusauna.net ) and be amongst the moisture and quiet. I wanted to get the new humidifier yesterday but I was exhausted and poor Parris had a horribly busy day at work that didn’t end until 1:30am. I sat in the car for two seconds after work last night and wanted to spontaneously cry just trying to pull the tangled bag past the emergency break. Hormones, probably. I was also just so tired. And yet, I sit all day. I don’t have a strenuous job. No one really bothers me. I’m a project manager during the day. All this is not to complain.. wait nope.. take it as you will. Which brings me to my new revelation about 'normalcy' below but first my challenge update.

*****THE CHALLENGE STATUS: 365 days of prayer & meditation twice a day ****

The last nine days I have been spotty. As a triumph I actually prayed on days there were no issues no problems and no big successes. They were just days I chose to talk to God. For statistics sake I will admit it was only 3 of the 9. The other days, only once did I pray and meditate twice in a day, I merely hit up a prayer as a way to calm myself down from an irritation. And to tell you the truth it worked. I was amazed at how instantly when I spoke the truth, the childish immature truth, about how I was feeling I dropped off into a deep peaceful sleep. I’m trying on this wretched morning of clogged up sinuses, puffy eyes and a sleeping angel in my tummy to recommit, yet again, to the challenge.

Honestly, if I think about it, I believe I haven’t written in a week for two reasons, ok no, three reasons.

1. I was sick again for some of those days and for some reason when I’m sick I completely fall apart. How do people who regularly pray handle being physically sick and keeping to a prayer and meditation schedule? I have my theories about why, outside of it being human to have a hard time in general when they are sick, I can say I feel the most vulnerable and less connected to God when I’m sick.

2. I was in a crappy mood at the times I was able to write. For some reason I just don’t want to deal with hearing the ‘cheer up Anana instantly cause I said so’ sentiments I tend to get stemming from good intentions and a consciousness about the baby feeling my thoughts. I find it hilarious that people think its that easy but will go off and stay grumpy as heck as if their behavior isn’t affecting others. I know. I’m not supposed to lash out cause I’m in a coveted position that’s different. I am not them. I am affecting another life. Trust me if there is anything everyone reminds you of every second of being pregnant its that. I just want to say sometimes, your behavior if affecting someone too. What REALLY pathetic is before being pregnant, I was saying the same thing to some other pregnant woman. Maybe not as indignantly but I was saying it. Funny how life and God teaches you to have compassion. But if I constantly ignore how similar I am with folks that irritate me I don’t think Id ever get it. EVER (laughing).

3. I really had been sinking back into a belief that the challenge, in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter. Logically I knew it to not be true but I think sometimes I just get tired of trying. Tired of creating ways to improve. Tired of trying to talk about it, dig my way out of confusion alone. Even tired of initiating thought provoking conversation with friends and family who quite honestly are tired of their own stuff.

So I’d most likely say a mixture of the three reasons above is why I have not journaled honestly in the past nine days. At least, other than putting forth an honest effort, that I have done is be honest in my journal/blog about the challenge. Sigh I’ve been painfully consistent with that.

I have learned that not praying and meditating, and Im completely clear about it now, really does make for a rougher time in this world for a gal. I’ve understood more when I’ve prayed and meditated in the morning then done the same to dump the junk in the evening. It’s amazing how people bother you less, difficult circumstances are less daunting and you take on less of everyone else’s fears for you.

Crazy thing at work yesterday a co-work said, “ I cant believe you made it to work on Friday you endangered yourself and the life of your child Anana”. It annoyed me and she clearly wanted to make the profound office point so she and the others who couldn’t make it in would feel better in light of our completely unrealistic and randomly punitive CEO. I was glad I was able to brush her judgmental statement off cause I knew I was ok while driving cause the roads were clear for me. I knew I would never endanger my child. But little poisonous statements and people try to find any crack and crevasse they can during the days so you can live in fear with everyone else. No thank you.

I can say this challenge has been helping. But I will also say it’s the most nitty gritty challenge I’ve ever woke up one day in my spontaneous Gemini mind and decided to do.

An added boost to journal this time was a movie I saw and a girlfriend who sent me a text saying, “your mailbox is full and I really like your blog”. It made me smile on the inside cause she is a friend in NY that don’t get to spend much time with and to know she was reading somehow gave me a nudge. Responses have helped. When you choose a challenge, by yourself, for yourself, it’s a lonely journey cause truly no one is making you responsible and you have no company along the way. You just push on some how and thankfully reap the rewards that one day may build permanent character. I hope that translates to my baby.

*************** I thought about the drug 'normalcy' **************

OK its been a while and this is on my heart to write about.

I saw a movie that dealt with the issue of adults, all kinds, covering up the reality of situations affect on children’s emotions to satisfy their need for ‘normalcy’. If you look at the picture above you will fall in love with the idea of a happy ‘normal family’ but its all an illusion. We have happy moments and sad moments and confused moments and fearful moments. Some know that and some don’t. Some will fixate on that image and never care to think any deeper cause they are in love with the television, surface level presentation of normalcy. In my early twenties I chose to deal with (as we all have to) my own childhood frustrations and realized a lot of my push to do the challenge was also to find a center for me and the baby and my family. To not be tossed around the world of ‘normalcy’ that changes in every household, every town, every city, every country, every season of the media, with every president, with every new marketing campaign. I don’t know how ‘The Jones’’ do it. It’s amazing how powerful this idea of hiding from the real emotion of a situation can cause a family to distort a child’s ability to balance things in life later on. I see now it’s mainly because those parents have no center either. I’m currently fighting to leave that club. I don’t want that for my child. I also don’t want to be renegade mommy reacting to the plastic nature of the world so much that I confuse it with the beautiful simplicity of the world. I don’t want to be renegade mommy unless I absolutely have to be. All I can say is I hope to develop the courage I need to not feed into the ‘new normal’ every time it rears its trifling head in my life. It will confuse me and my child and not prepare it for how to navigate in a world of people who are not bad jus afraid. I don’t want it. I also don’t want to be ruled by the fear of it. Mind boggling. Thank God for prayer.

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************ PREGGY UPDATE ************

My Body.

I believe I’ve settled into this feeling of the baby kicking a lot. It still wakes me up most times. I really like it. And as soon as I get a little used to the balance and my disappearing view of my legs, I hit another growth spurt bring the joy of stretching stomach muscles. Since I’ve started back dancing a little I’m getting my tone back in my legs cause I was on my way to having weak muscles. I’m thankful to have a little strength back after that long bed rest bout. But the fatigue is daunting at the end of the day and just going to get worse so I hear. I still am not comfortable with how general folks I don’t know fixate on my body and their hands tend to automatically gravitate to my belly. But, for those special people I have installed a wonderful counter forearm judo chop move to bypass their disrespectful approaches without asking to grope my belly. I was smooth last Saturday after teaching the class. Funny thing also is some dude was trying to ‘eye’ me after the class when my belly was covered and I spread my little black shirt open, placed my hands on my hips exposing my round red shirt decorated belly and nodded, “move on buddy I’m busy making a baby here” (laughing). The look on his face was priceless.

Help. Guidance.

Parris and I finally got to our first meeting with a Doula to discuss the baby, birth plans, our emotions, our health.. everything. I cant tell you how relieved I felt. Going into the biggest change of my life without preliminary talks and planning to the best of our ability was eating at me more than I knew. I also had been completely lost being my first pregnancy about the changes in my body and the random supportive and informative comments from friends, family and a busy doctor can NOT replace one person dedicated to supporting you. Having someone in town focused on you having a healthy, peaceful, informed journey to your birth is worth everything. I will never be pregnant for the first time again. I don’t want to spend it flapping around like an untrained swimmer expending energy on stuff that really doesn’t matter. We have a weekly appointment and will lay out the birth plan, get taught couples massage, be guided on the proper nutrition, work on pain management (I hate typing it) and many other things. I’m so excited. She is not only a doula but a massage therapist and yoga instructor. Im very very happy and thankful.

The baby.

The baby at the last checkup last week was 1lb 4oz. My mom laughs that Im gonna have a big baby. The kicks and punches are more distinct now. I can fell the difference between a punch and a kick and a roll. Its funny when the baby will punch one spot several times. Sometimes Ill push that area and the baby will keep punching back. Its so hilarious and precious to me. Im so thankful during those times that Im doing this challenge because from the hormones and physical discomforts to true life issues I can see why young mothers in turmoil could not enjoy the blessing in their belly. I used to judge them a little. Shake my head and think ‘why cant she just stop a moment and enjoy it”. I was sooo naïve. You can have brief moments of joy but they are still drowning in confusion, fear, worry and pain that can take over your life if you are young scared and lost with no support. Or, you can connect in, get guidance and help, find your space and work every day to be able to treasure the joy as a priority and make everything else less than what you share with your child cause you will never see that time again. I’m getting a small taste of it. I’m thankful for friends and family and Parris for helping to create a scenario where I can enjoy my baby cause so many mothers are not blessed with my scenario. I want to cry for them sometimes but instead I keep them in my prayers.

Labor.

Not looking forward to it. Period. But the doula and Parris made a good point about visualizing the best case scenario and not the worst. I’ve just been blocking it out with a drop of fear lurking in the corners but I will be spending much more time focusing on the best case scenario.

Baby Items.

I started my list and budget spreadsheet of what we will need and this past weekend friends and family had ready for our pick up wonderful items like the car seat and clothing and bouncey’s. My sleepless nights are now decorated with visual signs of our baby on the way. It makes me smile through my thinly aired sniffles. The items bring color to my living room and I am just too tickled about it all. I cant WAIT to see the life that’s currently jumping around in my stomach in those items. I still have to wash everything and continue the preparations but Im so thankful for all the items thus far.

Baby Shower/Blessing Way

Sigh. I have no idea. I know the mom isn’t supposed to do anything but honestly I have so many friends that occupy different social groups, family out of town etc. I worry about people being left out. I know how everyone is very busy and I don’t want folks to be stressed out over me. I was thinking I would through a family event in March (still need to lock down the location I have the band) and that way everyone can come and we can celebrate like our wedding after party. If folks want to bring gifts they can but ultimately it will just be nice for the community to get together and practice welcoming the baby as a community. Unfortunately we don’t live in a time where different communities support each other. Everything is so segregated now even when you as a person are not. I really want to do this part and then if my friend and family want to have more intimate gatherings I will graciously and happily be there. Im so thankful (sounding like broken record but I am) for my friends and family that love me.


Daddy

Daddy is catching on and playing his role. Im learning to focus on doing my part well and allow him his space and time to progress. Not praying and meditating can have me preoccupied with his activities and fearful of stuff I have no control over. I’d like to blame the hormones but I did the same thing before I got pregnant its just highlighted now with more UMPH lol. I’m thankful for his support. I know he is happy to do it cause he is “daddy” but growth ain’t easy for anyone and I have to say he really is growing. Things aren’t perfect and I forgot the pace of the growth is not always the point, but I see definite beautiful necessary and appreciated growth in him. The ride is bumpy but it is still moving …(laughing)… so I’m thankful (laughing).

One thing I am really enjoying are the funny emails and texts I get through out the day from him. I think its crazy how when you strip a scenario of all the excess fat, in just a few words you can see someone’s heart for what it truly is. I do love him. It is the little things sometimes in a friendship that matter the most.

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Thanks for dealing with the typos and random topics lol. I really appreciate you reading.

Nana Bear

I had a dream last night

I had a dream last night and wanted to wake up and immediately write about it. Please forgive the randomness. I dreamed of a few things (like science community award ceremonies for astronauts lol sorry I have no idea why but that's how dreams go) before the most memorable and impactful part.

There was an old Haitian woman with a son. The son was in love with another not so old woman but the older than him who had 3 grown children who did not trust the son. They thought he was trying to take advantage of their mother. They were mean to him and he had to sneak around to see the woman he loved. The older Haitian woman was reading a series of books and in each of the books she said there were three women who had stories of overcoming grave scenarios. Scenarios that would buckle the knees of a normal person. She wrote to the women in the stories and asked them to send her a piece of fabric they treasured. They did. The woman was constructing a beautiful quilt where each of the squares represented the three women from each of the books. The old Haitian woman with the son said to me in my dream, "there are stories and women who have changed the world and it has never been recorded nor remembered. In this quilt I do both and all will be well."

I looked at the quilt and wondered what I was doing in my life to 'make all well'. I walked through the weathered house, watched the dripping sink then, saw the son standing with his child, a daughter in hand through a corridor to another room. They were both draped in youthful dark chocolate healthy glimmering skin. She had on a blue and white dress and he in red and blue pants. They weren't big or small in size. He knelt down and told her something. She went and laid down in the bed. Then he looked at me and smiled. The woman he loved's three grown male children were in the yard outside the kitchen window laying on lawn chairs listening to the ending of a song that began a language other than English and ended with the acapella 'Amen' ending that began with a high pitched AHHhh, then a mid pitched joined Ahhh, and a third lower Meeeehhhnn. As the notes came to an end they both rose at the same time and headed toward the kitchen window whee there was an old school double deck black tape recorder with the read record button.

The grown children pressed stop on the tape recorder. One said to the other, "is that the end?" The other replied, " yep, that's the end". They looked at me and said, "that's the end"

As I turned around I saw the Old Haitian woman's son had married the woman he loved and moved in. The money he contributed helped to save their home from being taken and his mother, the old Haitian woman, pointed to the quilt, with printed and hand painted images, and said, "That's the end Anana".

I woke up and typed this.

I usually pay attention to my dreams. They offer answers sometimes I'm looking for from elders I cant talk to anymore. Elders that tend to simplify things and yank me back down to the bear nuts and bolts of life.

My sister left this morning early on a 6am flight. I could barely fall asleep cause I knew when I woke up she had to leave. My heart was sad to see her go cause her energy and love and close proximity made me feel like the worries I had were doable tasks that just needed to be checked off the list. I cried a bit just so I could go to sleep and then next thing I knew it was time to take her to the airport.

On the way back, my lip poked out as if I was alone and let it out again. I knew I needed to so I could go back to my life and still enjoy the blessings I have here. Its hard to appreciate your blessings when you are busy bottling up being sad.

So, I let it out. I wondered how I pushed for so long with my family when my family made me feel so good. How in the world?

Well, New Years Eve, the elder in me told me to call just a few people who have really supported me to drop by and meet my sister. Somehow I wanted her to meet the people who have been there for me and for people to meet her. She took 7 days of her busy life and spent them with me. I was thankful cause at 27 people want to go to Jamaica and relax before going back to deal with their jobs.

We had a very mini potluck. I was already tired so I couldn't handle anything big but something in me must have sewn together a quilt of people to see for myself as a reminder of how lucky I am to have these editions in my life, in Atlanta. I had to combine them with her, the sole rep of my blood relatives to see, I guess according to the dream, "this is it".

I can type on and on about the get together. The food, the family connections we found rooted in Louisiana happily dialing cell phones to confirm links in my Atlanta living room. Or the little young people who celebrated their New Year and talked about new revised board games that blew our minds. Even the men who graciously cleaned the kitchen for all of us when the fried bread, new years greens, eggs and fruit were all done curbing our hunger. But truly I most remember the entire quilt. The big picture that it took a dream to remind me that "this is it". They are all, each patch a blessing and by showing up in more ways than one are giving me the strength to have this baby with some Faith. That's how I celebrated the last day of Kwanzaa, my niece's name and others, "Imani".

If you couldn't make it, and have been there for me, just know you are still in my quilt and I love you.

I am very full and thankful and now off to do my daily prayer and meditation.

I feel like I should type, "Namaste" and Happy New Year.

**************** The Challenge ****************

Because of my busy days with work, my sister, organizing the storage unit and cleaning up the house before the new year, sleep has been what I have been meditating on and the prayers have been from the reclining position. LOL. I am working on consistency yet, yielding to the needs of my body have been taking precedence which has not happened much before I got pregnant.

My prayers have been potent though cause as I reclined and sat up these past few days with Parris gone and have been able to get to my honest concerns quicker. My thoughts during the day are becoming less fearful and I'm feeling the Creator's presence more and more. God feels more accessible during my daily activities than when I began this journey. Not as near as I'd like but definitely more accessible. I'm thankful and will keep trucking.

**************** Pregnancy Update **************

I CANT BELIEVE IM HAVING A BABY THIS YEAR! 2010.. A BABY.. TO TAKE HOME NOT BABYSIT LOL crazy.

Belly.

I finally ordered a jazzy belly wrap to help my little sore muscles out. I also am determined after getting my hair done to hit the mall for a nice pair (to add to what I have) of maternity jeans. COMFORT IS EVERYTHING these days.

People.

Well, I now see that beefing up on people who love and support you is how you deal/cope/love from a far people who are confused and spit negative energy to you. I will follow that formula to a tee. It makes me want to spend more time building up my house as my new cousin Kamilah says and less time on anything else. I think I see now why as a single person I saw people who had families and kids as sectioning themselves off too much. I had NO idea how hard it was to muster up the energy to grow a healthy family AND fight off those who want company in their misery. It takes energy to protect your household and the spirit of a community that has been broken so many times from the outside in and the inside out. I see that now.

Food.

I will try more raw food this week and Sunday Ill hunt for that Alkaline water. Don't want my baby's body being so acidic so early. I need to balance it with alkaline food too but I have a session coming up with a woman and friend who helps with birth preparation, nutrition .. all of that. I'm looking forward to it.

Daddy.

Parris did a lot this week moving his mom here and he is so tired. I'm proud of him. I see I like seeing him work hard and I also like seeing him get the rest he needs. Funny how we begin to love the fighter in our partner along with the spirit that needs rest just like you. I cant wait to see us as parents. Still nervous but cant wait.

Baby.

Sigh. Id like to think that there is a mixture of circumstantial happenings mixed with true mama-baby communication but I KNOW this child is communicating with me through all these kicks and movements. I ask him/her questions and wait for an answer. We chat throughout the day and I'm feeling a sense of the baby's personality coming through. I'm learning the baby is active clear and definite. LOL that may be all babies but it sure is mine so far. It truely is its own person. I clearly am just a loving vessel and am reminded of that every time I push the eating timelines. LOL I love my baby.

Marriage.

At the get together there were a few other couples there and we spoke about marriage being like being in the trenchs LOL. I have NO idea how hard or pleasurable or both it will get when the baby comes but I am glad I have a little support here and abroad cause truly, its just too hard without it. The fact that Im JUST beginning a prayer regime probably have a lot to do with its difficulty but Im gonna venture to type its just hard in general. This year I will be even more strategic about my prayer, meditation and spending time with people who are building up my family and not just selfishly taking from it. Marriage is too hard to hold down for me to not have a plan like that. LOL And let me add the rewards of growing a family are too great for me to not work hard on myself and work hard protecting the happiness and "all is well" in my household.