In a Bubble

Lately I havent only NOT been doing my challenge, I have been contemplating if the challenge is helping as much as I need it to. I started the challenge thinking the prayer and meditation would reveal things to me. It has to some extent but the closer i get to delivering the more worried I get that I am not spiritually equipped to handle the process and other people.

Life is changing big time and I have a greater need for receiving good energy from others than before. With this challegne and the pregnancy I feel like I am in a bubble. A bubble walking on a journey only I can do. Just me. No one else can be this beautiful baby's mama. Carry it. Deal with everything that comes with the reality that my dad raised me primarily and I have no idea how to be a mother. Only I can face that and in this bubble I see people wanting me to smile and cheese and speak positive only. Care for te baby and never be negative. So, Ive been feeling myself become fake, something Ive never done. I dont know if its becoming fake to please people and keep them away or if I just dont know any other way to respond to these massive changes and truthful experiences. Im learning through NOT meditating that without a spiritual community that inquires about your heart, your prayer, your fears.

I look at people and I know they have troubles just like I do. I know they have challenges. I also know that my personal fears and challenges wont go away with a blog. I am also learning they wont go away with me keeping them to myself. I want to keep the challenge so I dont isolate myself. This blog is my way of staying honest with the people I care about but I now see that I need help or.. company on my spiritual journey.

I am not sure if sitting in a chapel, then socializing afterwards is really helpful to me. I wish I could be like some who do everythign privately and get results. They go to a church or a mosque etc. and socialize and go to work and .... blah blah and they pray in private and reconcile thier confusion, thier fears and hopes in private. They get replenished and continue going on and on and on. I beleive those people exist. At this moment in my life, I am at a crossroads and want to choose a peaceful foundation. A consistency I have not incorporated.

So, now I want to add that in addition to prayer and meditation I want to find a spiritual community. Not a cult or a watered down social network. A simple, basic, sincere place to be me. Happy, sad, confused, imperfect, uncomfrtable, comfortable.. me. People who are also on a journey but the environment and goals of the practice inspire them to want to deal with the insides of a person. If I am missing for a while and am going through a major change, those people wont wait for me to ask for help. They will call or visit and offer. The community will be just as flawed as others. It will have an understanding of the pull of modern times and schedules and economics but operate in a fashion that is easy. Simple.

I feel like now I can have something to ask for in my prayers and listen for in my meditation. I would like guidance towards that. In the past I researched several monotheistic religions. I attended religious ceremonies. I realized it didnt matter the practice it was the people I didnt trust. I didnt see anything but selfishness in people. Unplanned, survival of the fittest selfishness. Emotion driven selfishness. I was already trying to shake that myself. Still am. This emotion driven life is all over the place and absolutely no fun lol.

So, has this journal/blog helped. Yes. Its open. Humbling. I read over entries know full well a whole ONE person may be reading and am still a bit embarrased by certain things but I'm happy to release it. The harm.. I dont think there is a harm but writing this with minimal feedback has shown me how much I need feedback on my spiritual journey and I cant expect friends who have not signed up to be 'spiritual friends' to join me. Its a bit egotistical and I get it now.

Its easy to confuse a call for help in the spiritual department as an egotistical push for attention. I really just projected a need on people who were not put here to guide me anywhere. I get it now.

*********** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day *************

Ah.. the ambition of it all LOL. I knew I would learn something but now Ive learned more than I ever imagined. Ive learned not what I want but what I need. Time to prayer for help finding a spiritual community big or small that does the above or what God knows I need. Im not meant to travel this journey alone. Thats what this challenge is teaching me.

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Ill keep you posted. And for the very few. Thanks for reading. Atleast if my baby asks one day who its mother was, those reading my thoughts in this journal/blog can have an answer from my rawest thoughts.

Love yall
Nana