Do what you neeed cause you need it.

So nI had a dream I went to Egypt with Michelle and a guy friend. I dont remember the who the guy was but I went to egypt. I was a tourist and walked on sand. I saw a truck ride by on the sand creating fake steps for a marcing band to follow. Yes, a marching band. It was Southern University's marching band. Then the kiddie version marched by. I asked Michelle if I could take an evening flight and make it back for work the next day and she didnt look confident. We decided to walk toward the Nile River. The river was wide and it reminded me of standing on the levy by my grandmothers house watching the Mississippi rush by. But the sun was shining brighter in this scene. We stood and I thought to myself, how can life be bad living near something like the Nile.

Well, that was my dream and yesterday I felt good physically. I'd been meeting the last three or four weeks with my friend who is a doula for birthing/nutrition/baby planning classes and the nutrition part was really paying off. Transitioning from a diet that accomodated a horrible nauseas 4-5months is very different then the diet of a pregnant woman that needs some very basic things. I was/am scared to eat raw salads cause as much as I love them they made me throw up instantly. But Im trying them plus supplements in smoothies she helped me design based on my specific needs. In valuable. I really really needed to have someone to talk to and I am so glad somewhere in my lost pregnancy-ness lol I sought out what I needed. I spent yesterday feeling so much better. I couldnt beleive it. I couldnt believe how bad I was feeling before. Just like the dehydration. Its funny what we will deal with when we dont know any better. Well thank God for my friend's knowldege and my own personal desire to get what I need cause I can see easily how this could have been a miserable pregnancy.

I came home and was hit with this wave of panic instantly that

1. Im getting bigger

2. I wont be able to take care of myself in a little while

3. Im getting bigger

4. I have to figure out how I will survive and plan the next six months AND take care of my new baby

I know, I sound like a single mother with no husband no family and no friends. None of that is true. I remember the six weeks of bedrest and how lonely that was and Im frightened it will be repeated. I think thats the problem. Well what you fear s what you create and Im praying 'literally this morning to not be at the mercy of unhappy circumstances.

We are planning. We both meet with the doula for the classes but my lack of sticking to my challenge due to being naive and just plain feeling bad physically had me abandon the one saving grace on this scary new beautiful journey Im on all by myself. No one can push this baby out for me. Its a daunting responsibility and a rites of passage just for me that has another being's life at stake. I guess I just miss having my great grandmother around to help me feel strong. Strong like the women before me who had no clue either. Its so important to have elder women around when these major life changes happen. They remind you what you are made of without saying much but "peel these potatos".

Well after my panic attack LOL I ofcourse dozed off to sleep and was just exhuasted from the day. On a good day I am exhausted by 4pm.

I also had a good convo with my cousin Jabez. Its nice to be continuing to build with new family and with friends who take the time to listen and have a genuine interest in you being ok.

And Parris. Parris has been very busy and on his own journey through this. Its funny how marriage will teach you how to respect someone elses path, someone elses rites of passage. The difference is this process is different for men and women and although we respond different and are affected differently we are forced to share the same timeline and are forced to find a way through being completely clueless and new to agree on major things. He's been so kind to me while still bumping along in the dark himself and I try to rememebr that.

So, back to the challenge cause clearly my slipping has leeft me in a tizzy.

******************* 365 days of Prayer & Meditation twice a day ***************

I started December 18th and today is January 26th. Its been over a month Ive been doing this challenge while being pregnant and I tell you LOLOL I needed it and its hard.

Most mornings now I have a truncated timeline but still a fruitful experience. I sit on the couch, belly has gotten bigger and my back is feeling it big time, and talk to God outloud still. Its been working for me. I still say my fears and learn how I can overcome them just by hearing them come out. They sound silly but Im always glad that I dont need to be embarrased when talking to God. I then without planning move into being thankful. I say things that are small and large I'm thankful for. I do feel myself becoming stronger each time I do it. In the last seven to nine days Ive prayed 80% in the morning and 5% at night. The fatigue is kicking my butt.

The meditation. My meditations have turned into straight sleep in the night time hours. I heard someone say if you fall asleep during meditation then you needed it. Trust me I was knocked out. When I first started I was a lot more frustrated with myself for not doing it. Now I am developing a bit more compassion for myself and I just have not been feeling well. I still want to know how people with chronic illness focus past the physical discomfort and still find a place of peace. I know its possible. For now my morning meditations are breif but potent as well. I like that feeling now. Its becoming something I have a taste for. Calmness.

******************************************************

The Pregnancy

The classes and help with nutrition has become invaluable. I went to the doctor last week for a check up and I cant tell you how much western patient care is not my friend. Crazy part is I really like my doctor but shes like the boyfriend thats fabulous but his career doesnt allow him to spend quality time with you so I dont want to cancel the dates cause you like him but you leave frustrated cause you know you needed more time to get what you need.

Food

So I was instructed by the Doula class leader to track my eating and I did. She provided me with a form and I wrote it alll down. She assessed it last week and gave some excellent recommendations that honestly was the key to me feeling better. Im so happy about that. I went shopping like a lost puppy that has recently graduated to "knowing what I need land". It was nice and now my days are spent preparing the foods me and the baby need. Its a feelingyo9u cant replace.

Baby

Strong and clear. This baby has developed a relationship with its mama that includes elbowing the poo out of me to remind me its here and boy do I love it. The pain, no but the communication yes. I love this baby.

People

Its interesting cause as I change people have been changing. Some friends talk to me more. I think some were scared I wouldnt make it this far since I did experience a miscarriage four years ago. I think some just were busy and others didnt know how much I needed them.

I have learned to limit gatherings that have people Id rather not spend a lot of time with and I have lightened up on people and my expectations of them. Ive lightened up tremendously. Just praying that when Im in need I will help the help I need to make it through. I know God has never dropped me on my butt before so no need to worry now. People have been good. I think I can see that better now cause I have been feeling better and stronger.

Daddy

Daddy is getting into a good rhythm. The classes have been enlightening for us both. We were given a sheet with a list of values and those values were things we value about the birthing experience to be. We learned a lot and it was nice to know what he valued. The classes are helping a lot.

***************** The picture ************

Thats my mother at Southern University in Louisiana with my aunt, may she rest in peace. I look at photos of my mom when she was young and I know she had to be just as clueless as I was. Not only was she probably scared but they had deafening effects of racism all around them. Somuch to deal with. I have only seen a few pics of my mother pregnant and she wasnt smiling in any of them LOL. I completely understand why now. But I think thats why I choose to smile so much in my pics I want the baby to know how happy I am its coming. I want the baby to look back and know that mama was happy. I hope the journals I write can give the balance to a seemingly 1 emotion photo.

My mom is coming down to help and although I didnt grow up with her I am looking forward to learning more about her and how it was for her when she was pregnant with me.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the typos, hunger is taking over proof reading time.

:) Nana