Not a good feeling

I found out my mom isnt doing well health wise yesterday. The last time she visited she had a seizure in front of me. It was hoirrible. She is set to come down and I cant tell you how hapy I was cause we never got to spend a lot of time together as I was growing up. I wanted to ask her face to face so many questions. Things I could only ask in person. As I am on my way to becoming a mother I feel I can do it, I can be a good mom even though I spent little time with my own. Im just sad today because she may not be well enough to stay long. I said with this blog I would be honest and right now, I dont feel very happy. I want to put on a smiley face cause as soon as someone sees a pregnant woman crying they immediately want her to stop. I just need to get it out I think.

The doctor said her diabetes is barely being managed, her cholesterol is extremely high along with her blood pressure. They basically said shes a prime candidate for a heart attack at any moment. I know I shouldnt focus on the negative. I guess part of me was just really looking for the story book experience like all of us. We watch movies or hear stories, sometimes exaggerated sometimes not, about other peoples family experiences and we cry for what we never knew. I can easily say it wasnt all bad growing up and it wasnt. Ive been very very blessed. But right now I dont feel like speaking in a very balanced way.

I think because Im sick right now and in the house laid up with minimal sleep the night before I just am sad right now. My primary way of dealing is to get organized and find another solution. My friend Bonnie said I can just shorten the stay but I am so very worried about her health and I wont be strong enough to help her and the baby if something happens. So much is riding on my mom changing years of habitual eating and lifestyle behavior in a short amount of time. I want to have faith all will be well but I want to be smart. Pretending all will be well wont make it well. I was so excited about her staying atleast two months. But I know it wont be possible for her to stay that long. This sucks. I really was excited about her coming. Really excited. It felt good to say for once in my life my mom was coming to help me. I know I can do anything I set my mind to but I honestly didnt see myself alone going through my first time mothering my baby. What was I thinking in life traveling around trying to find myself. Now Im in a city with barely any blood relatives, inlaws who are sweet but are more distant in behavior than my family and my first pregnancy. I could have set it up better than this. But whats done is done. At some point in the day Ill suck it up and realize my blessings and know that so many have it much worse, much much worse than me. But right now I am just taking a moment to be honest and say that Im so sad my mom wont be with me. Family will be flying in and out but not staying a while. What was I thinking?

***** The challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ****

One would say this is the perfect time to pray. Old me would say its a perfect time to go dancing. This is the time when I wish there were 7 drummers infront of me and friends dancing around me so the fear and sadness can go away. I have doubts that prayer and meditation can help. I want to go outside and walk in the sun cause its nice out but my sinuses are killing me and my body is sleep deprived. I know after I pray Ill feel better. It has happened so many times in the past. I guess I just feel like this pregnancy is making me as strong as people think I already am. cause I dont feel too strong today. I hope I decide to have a little faith and pray and meditate today.

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Pregnancy

Well still in the home stretch and even though Im sad right now Im so very thankful. So much about being pregnant I dont like. An older woman told me if we all shared everything that happens during pregnancy no woman would want to do it. Well, I dont have anything beuatiful to say about it right now. Maybe try another blog.

Baby

The most beautiful thing about the journey. The baby is the best. It makes me smile at times like this.