Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head


Before I begin, let me bring you up to speed via video of my babies growth. I love him so (born May 5, 2010 - 3 months old now). Just amazed I was lucky enough to be a conduit for him coming here.

VIDEO – 15 DAYS OLD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNznpC4MAD0

VIDEO - ZaiireJasiri 1month and 6days after his first bath 6/8/10 ... Zaiire Jasiri Dean Parris ...

VIDEO VIDEO - Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) 5 weeks old in 3 month old clothing lol 11lbs

VIDEO Reading to Zaiire 2 1/2 months old Daddy P reading to Zaiire

The birth story will be another blog, just know I had to have an emergency c-section from complications the hospital created (exactly like the movie the business of being born said). I have been loving on Zaiire since he came out and now I am at work. 8am – 5pm and I wanna cry from missing him sometimes. It just seems wrong to need to nurse, have my glands fill up(painfully might I add) every few hours and me give it all to a machine until I get home, super tired only to have him on occasion prefer the bottle to me, his mother. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have enough milk stored that pump is my best friend. It means sleep. It means my baby gets the best nutrition for him and I get the best medicine for my fatigue.
I cant describe this phase but I can say that my interest prior to delivering Zaiire of prayer and meditation is so needed right now. I knew what I was gonna need. I needed to increase my faith. And boy do I need it. Im believing too much in what I see right now. What Im hearing right now. Worry, concern .. fear. About money, work, marriage, family, a new house.. just too much. I need to reach for that which I cant see and I do wish I had a better connection before hand however now is not the time for regrets. I just remember wanting to see where I am now when I was pregnant. I wanted to know exactly how hard it would be so that I would be inspired to try harder. What I am learning and have learned is my forceful push to solve and finalize a spiritual regimen was the exact thing that would make this time difficult. The pushing. Im like the child that keeps asking “why, why, why but why” only IM doing it to myself and aggravating myself LOLOOL. So, Ive been sleepwalking and living in my head. Experiencing and trying to figure out at the same time “why” then “how” , how to “fix” things. How to I fix the fact that my boobs swell up with milk hurt and are sore all day long? Cant. Its just how it is. How do I get sleep, feed my baby, work, grow a business and be happy all at the same time? Cant, have to prioritize. My mind knows these things but for some reason Im still asking why over and over again. Sigh, well. I did get one thing right. This blog. I need to get it out. I have also received some excellent constant advice from my cousin who me/enlightened me in on the very thing I need to spend a life time working on.. and that is not to forcefully push or over organize a spiritual expression cause letting your spirit flow is not a regimented thing and my spirited has been boxed up after the physical trauma of child birth and now the survival mode of money making. Just typing this out seems to be a release. I need to get back to it.
Im grateful for the health of my family. Im grateful Im not nauseas anymore Im grateful my baby is storng and healthy. I grateful for the house Im hoping to buy. Im grateful for JEJESAUNA.NET! Im grateful for my sister nieces and mother coming to visit me. Im grateful for my cousin and friends who help me find sanity once a week. Im grateful for my income. Im grateful I will be able to dance soon. Im grateful for sun on my skin. Im grateful for pecan candy and caramel cake. I grateful for sistahs that understand. I grateful for my great grandmother and ancestors that dealt with more than me.Im grateful for my babies smile.
Siiigghh .. I feel a little better. Thanks for reading. Being honest aint easy but it sure is freeing.
Nana