So I woke up today after being sick, some head cold thats trying to get me, and was ready to ... drink some orange juice. Prayer wasnt the first thing on my mind but honestly it was the second. I got me cup and with a good morning roll from the baby I asked it if it wanted to pray with me this morning. Something has happened different in the last few weeks with my interaction with the baby. I feel its body parts more. Lik I feel a different between a foot and a knee. Before I couldnt tell what was happening so I chalked it all up to a punch. But lately I am feeling a little person in my stomach. It sounds silly right. The little person has always been there but ususally I needed the ultrasound to tell me where it was, how it was positioned... etc. But now, without the ultrasound (I am dying to get the 3/4D but its too expensive) I am left to talking to elbows and knees and a little butt rubbing up against me. A lady told me I will miss it. I know she is right. I do feel physically awful though but emotionally I feel so much stronger. I had a great session and experience with the Doula Sunday. She chose to take me on a walk through a nature reserve. I didnt even know I needed that. It was so peaceful. I am not through and through an outdoors type perse but I do loooove nature. I can walk around mud and jump through a creek but if you ask me to sleep in a tent where mosquitos are taking over I will squeal and run.
It was nice. We talked ab9out my true feelings. About how I am processing the things that are difficult for me to rinse from my system when they happen. Before preganancy I just buried things then danced them out. That was my process and it worked. The problem is it was at the expensive of other things. I needed to dance like some needed something to drink in the mniddle of a week. Whether it was West African or Salsa or dancehall or interpretive I just loved it because it saved me from dealing with the emotions that hurt during the day, or week. I couldnt understand mean people but then, mean people or hurt people showed up inthe dance area and then I was all messed up. (laughing) I knew I needed to grow new tools of coping but I knew as long as God gave me dance and music I wasnt going to do it. Along came my little miracle.
This miracle in my tummy took me down the short and hard road for becoming tougher (not fully tough yet but Im better). I was too sick to dance. The doctor put me on bedrest. I was miserable. I felt like an addict going through withdrawl. I also didnt have people to cheer me up cause they were on thier own dance floor healing from their own day. I was lost, sad and by the end wanted to become bitter. I wanted to shoo people away for good cause I went through those first few months feeling alone with no dance and it scared me. Now, I can say dance is an addition to my day not a drug for my pain. Does it curb things yes but this miracle and mniracle process is teaching me to grow up and know what true emotional health feels like. Its a daily goal that requires me to rinse out these mean/hurt people who spiritually attack you throwing the pain someone cased them on you, pregnant or not.
***** The Challenge Prayer & meditation twice a day 365days*****
Well My prayer this morning was divine. I read a passage from the daily thought to the baby. the baby rolled around and I pretended to translate tis rolling into English. The passage talked about knowing for a fact without a doubt God is the strongest thing out there. The affirmation was "I know that I know". As I read, I read it to the baby. I read things I did want the baby, this miracle for me to know abo9ut God. I thought to myself "there is so much I am not sure of how can I teach God to a person when I have a shaky relationship on my end at best with God?". I contradict my beliefs everyday and just as I saw my father and mother's contradictions the baby will see mine. I quietly thought why try? But then I remembered it was God's choice and the babies choice to come to me just as God and I choose my parents. I am no longer a child. I must accept the daily responsibility of this challegne and continue trying. ITs really amazing to admit your own immaturity.
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The Pregnancy
They say from this week, 28th week, my stomach will grow 1/2 and inch a week until delivery. Thats just crazy. How will I make it down the Soul Train Line at my party? LOLOL
When I do the math I will be exactly 9 months pregnant at the party LOL what was I thinking? (dying laughing). Oh I know, I was thinking I needed all the good energy and distraction I can take from thinking about this already large child passing through my tiny vagina LOL. I know this is a standard thing for God to coordinate and many have done it however I feel like I have the largest poo ever about to happen and I have no idea how it will make its way out LOL. Ok sorry for being gross but this is what THIS pregnant lady is thinking about.
The Baby
The baby has slepping patterns definitely and Im hoping my practice is encouraging healthy sleeps through the night LOL. I loooove this baby. I love talking to the baby in the shower and trying to figure out what its saying to me. I still have NO CLUE who this person is but Im so happy about the introductions that are soon to take place.
Work.
Sigh.. what can I say. Im ready to spedn my days organizing and cleaning but I want that extra dough to save before I cant do anything. Im worried about not being able to contribute or my saving being empty. I also dont like sitting all day but I am thankful for the gig. te people are fairly nice.
Sorry forthe typos.
Love ya
Nana
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