On my way back

Ok, Im back again. For some reason this morning I feel better. Or wait.. not better but more hopeful about things. I have absolutely no detailed plan but I feel better. I was a sad face zombie yesterday but today mama is back and ready to prepare for the new formula. I think I needed to mourn the loss of the "old plan" and now on to a new plan. (laughing) I still have absolutely no idea how Im gonna do it especially when everyone thinks you are ok all the time and that you are superwoman and that itll all work out so some just disappear and come back when it 'worked out' lol. But Ill make it either way.

There are so many women with much less that succeeded but Im talking about me and right about now I feel like an enthusiastic 12 year old in the game. No skills no wisdom lol just enthusiasm and hope. Im thankful God has presented something inside me from somewhere to shake this fear loose enough to plan and prepare.

What I have learned so far is, when Im physically sick everything seems dismal. I have sooo much respect for those who are chronically sick and keep thier own spirits and other peoples up. Not breathing through your nose and back pain keeping you up at night makes you a cranky person lol. So, today Im going to survey some options for help once the baby comes and plan to succeed in this uncharted territory.

******* The CHallenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day **********

So far we are 2 months and three days into the challegne and I tell you there were days where no prayer nor meditation happened. The only thing that tried to happen was sleep. I truely feel like no matter what my condition I should be praying and meditating and Im hoping staying focused on this challenge will help me continue to consider it.

Now that Im nominally stuffy and physically feeling a little better I defintiely am going to pray and meditate this morning. I have the time and dont feel a physcial distraction.

Ill have to blog about it tonight.
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Pregnancy

I have an appointment Tuesday at 11 I think where I need to present my birthing plan to the physician. Things I want to happen during the birth like people I want in the room. Stuff I dont want to have happen like I cant take people yelling at me (lol). So anyhoo, Ihave to work on that.

Baby

Love the baby. Love it.

Not a good feeling

I found out my mom isnt doing well health wise yesterday. The last time she visited she had a seizure in front of me. It was hoirrible. She is set to come down and I cant tell you how hapy I was cause we never got to spend a lot of time together as I was growing up. I wanted to ask her face to face so many questions. Things I could only ask in person. As I am on my way to becoming a mother I feel I can do it, I can be a good mom even though I spent little time with my own. Im just sad today because she may not be well enough to stay long. I said with this blog I would be honest and right now, I dont feel very happy. I want to put on a smiley face cause as soon as someone sees a pregnant woman crying they immediately want her to stop. I just need to get it out I think.

The doctor said her diabetes is barely being managed, her cholesterol is extremely high along with her blood pressure. They basically said shes a prime candidate for a heart attack at any moment. I know I shouldnt focus on the negative. I guess part of me was just really looking for the story book experience like all of us. We watch movies or hear stories, sometimes exaggerated sometimes not, about other peoples family experiences and we cry for what we never knew. I can easily say it wasnt all bad growing up and it wasnt. Ive been very very blessed. But right now I dont feel like speaking in a very balanced way.

I think because Im sick right now and in the house laid up with minimal sleep the night before I just am sad right now. My primary way of dealing is to get organized and find another solution. My friend Bonnie said I can just shorten the stay but I am so very worried about her health and I wont be strong enough to help her and the baby if something happens. So much is riding on my mom changing years of habitual eating and lifestyle behavior in a short amount of time. I want to have faith all will be well but I want to be smart. Pretending all will be well wont make it well. I was so excited about her staying atleast two months. But I know it wont be possible for her to stay that long. This sucks. I really was excited about her coming. Really excited. It felt good to say for once in my life my mom was coming to help me. I know I can do anything I set my mind to but I honestly didnt see myself alone going through my first time mothering my baby. What was I thinking in life traveling around trying to find myself. Now Im in a city with barely any blood relatives, inlaws who are sweet but are more distant in behavior than my family and my first pregnancy. I could have set it up better than this. But whats done is done. At some point in the day Ill suck it up and realize my blessings and know that so many have it much worse, much much worse than me. But right now I am just taking a moment to be honest and say that Im so sad my mom wont be with me. Family will be flying in and out but not staying a while. What was I thinking?

***** The challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ****

One would say this is the perfect time to pray. Old me would say its a perfect time to go dancing. This is the time when I wish there were 7 drummers infront of me and friends dancing around me so the fear and sadness can go away. I have doubts that prayer and meditation can help. I want to go outside and walk in the sun cause its nice out but my sinuses are killing me and my body is sleep deprived. I know after I pray Ill feel better. It has happened so many times in the past. I guess I just feel like this pregnancy is making me as strong as people think I already am. cause I dont feel too strong today. I hope I decide to have a little faith and pray and meditate today.

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Pregnancy

Well still in the home stretch and even though Im sad right now Im so very thankful. So much about being pregnant I dont like. An older woman told me if we all shared everything that happens during pregnancy no woman would want to do it. Well, I dont have anything beuatiful to say about it right now. Maybe try another blog.

Baby

The most beautiful thing about the journey. The baby is the best. It makes me smile at times like this.

Physically Sick but Emotionally Healthy

So I woke up today after being sick, some head cold thats trying to get me, and was ready to ... drink some orange juice. Prayer wasnt the first thing on my mind but honestly it was the second. I got me cup and with a good morning roll from the baby I asked it if it wanted to pray with me this morning. Something has happened different in the last few weeks with my interaction with the baby. I feel its body parts more. Lik I feel a different between a foot and a knee. Before I couldnt tell what was happening so I chalked it all up to a punch. But lately I am feeling a little person in my stomach. It sounds silly right. The little person has always been there but ususally I needed the ultrasound to tell me where it was, how it was positioned... etc. But now, without the ultrasound (I am dying to get the 3/4D but its too expensive) I am left to talking to elbows and knees and a little butt rubbing up against me. A lady told me I will miss it. I know she is right. I do feel physically awful though but emotionally I feel so much stronger. I had a great session and experience with the Doula Sunday. She chose to take me on a walk through a nature reserve. I didnt even know I needed that. It was so peaceful. I am not through and through an outdoors type perse but I do loooove nature. I can walk around mud and jump through a creek but if you ask me to sleep in a tent where mosquitos are taking over I will squeal and run.

It was nice. We talked ab9out my true feelings. About how I am processing the things that are difficult for me to rinse from my system when they happen. Before preganancy I just buried things then danced them out. That was my process and it worked. The problem is it was at the expensive of other things. I needed to dance like some needed something to drink in the mniddle of a week. Whether it was West African or Salsa or dancehall or interpretive I just loved it because it saved me from dealing with the emotions that hurt during the day, or week. I couldnt understand mean people but then, mean people or hurt people showed up inthe dance area and then I was all messed up. (laughing) I knew I needed to grow new tools of coping but I knew as long as God gave me dance and music I wasnt going to do it. Along came my little miracle.

This miracle in my tummy took me down the short and hard road for becoming tougher (not fully tough yet but Im better). I was too sick to dance. The doctor put me on bedrest. I was miserable. I felt like an addict going through withdrawl. I also didnt have people to cheer me up cause they were on thier own dance floor healing from their own day. I was lost, sad and by the end wanted to become bitter. I wanted to shoo people away for good cause I went through those first few months feeling alone with no dance and it scared me. Now, I can say dance is an addition to my day not a drug for my pain. Does it curb things yes but this miracle and mniracle process is teaching me to grow up and know what true emotional health feels like. Its a daily goal that requires me to rinse out these mean/hurt people who spiritually attack you throwing the pain someone cased them on you, pregnant or not.

***** The Challenge Prayer & meditation twice a day 365days*****

Well My prayer this morning was divine. I read a passage from the daily thought to the baby. the baby rolled around and I pretended to translate tis rolling into English. The passage talked about knowing for a fact without a doubt God is the strongest thing out there. The affirmation was "I know that I know". As I read, I read it to the baby. I read things I did want the baby, this miracle for me to know abo9ut God. I thought to myself "there is so much I am not sure of how can I teach God to a person when I have a shaky relationship on my end at best with God?". I contradict my beliefs everyday and just as I saw my father and mother's contradictions the baby will see mine. I quietly thought why try? But then I remembered it was God's choice and the babies choice to come to me just as God and I choose my parents. I am no longer a child. I must accept the daily responsibility of this challegne and continue trying. ITs really amazing to admit your own immaturity.

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The Pregnancy

They say from this week, 28th week, my stomach will grow 1/2 and inch a week until delivery. Thats just crazy. How will I make it down the Soul Train Line at my party? LOLOL

When I do the math I will be exactly 9 months pregnant at the party LOL what was I thinking? (dying laughing). Oh I know, I was thinking I needed all the good energy and distraction I can take from thinking about this already large child passing through my tiny vagina LOL. I know this is a standard thing for God to coordinate and many have done it however I feel like I have the largest poo ever about to happen and I have no idea how it will make its way out LOL. Ok sorry for being gross but this is what THIS pregnant lady is thinking about.

The Baby

The baby has slepping patterns definitely and Im hoping my practice is encouraging healthy sleeps through the night LOL. I loooove this baby. I love talking to the baby in the shower and trying to figure out what its saying to me. I still have NO CLUE who this person is but Im so happy about the introductions that are soon to take place.

Work.

Sigh.. what can I say. Im ready to spedn my days organizing and cleaning but I want that extra dough to save before I cant do anything. Im worried about not being able to contribute or my saving being empty. I also dont like sitting all day but I am thankful for the gig. te people are fairly nice.


Sorry forthe typos.

Love ya
Nana

I had another dream

*Picture: My Lousiana family on my mama side. New Roads, Louisiana. My Grandmother gave birth to 11 children and with my grandfather created this legacy wihtout a cellphone, ipod, laptop or blog LOL.

Its about 5am Friday and after an evening of throwing up five hours of food (gross I know) I faded into a slept that seemed low energy but free strangely enough. I beleive Im moving into the last few monhs where they say the baby presses more on your lungs and stomach so the nausea continues. It makes me think about my great grandmother, friends far away, sisters, aunts just people I can be weak around. But, thankfully I married a kind man. Im so glad that although we both have challenges we are kind to each other when its important. I had to have had five or six runs to the restroom and that is exhausting to say the least. He rubbed my back and encouraged me. I was thankful. We sat and chatted and both faded into sleep witht he thought that it will only be a few more months to go.

***** My Dream Last night *********

My dream. There are sections that led into each other but all so vivid. I like sharing my dreams cause I feel like it really happened and typing it makes me remember what was in them matter somehow in my life or someone elses life.

One section was my mothers mother Jesse Mae and she was in a house that looked like hers but it was different. She was getting ready and looked younger. Still her bbut young. I noticed her closet door open and some shoes were on the ground. Iv eneber noticed my grandmothers shoes. THere was a pair of brown flats with a sling back (not usually my style) simple enough to wear with a lot of things and I really liked them. I mentioned to her shed better be glad we werent the same size cause I really liked her shoes. She said she was a size nine. I said "me too". I tried them on and she said I could borrow them. If you know my grandmother You know she is a strong character and loaning shoes to a grandchild is not her thing. I dont know what that was all about but its the first time Ive ever dreamed about my grandmother. She then left.

The next section of the dream I was witnessing a festival. I dont know if someone told me in the dream, wait it was mentioned that it was an Ogun festival., People were dressed up and I mentioned or thought hm during the same time as Mardi Gras (which is not the case). Everyone was celebrating and dressed up. Especially those practitioners of the Yoruba faith. They were in the streets dancing and then I saw a group of paraders in my age group (maybe a ten yr span both ways) who straddled the fence between a contemporaqry lifestyle and a traditional lifestyle. They were crowding a mid height darkskinned man who seemed to be "one fo them". It was said in the dream he was to be a great leader that would unify all of the different groups that followed that faith but apparently some legal accusations were made abo9ut him and the police were looking for him. The plan during the festival was to hide him and I looked in his eyes and they said he knew he would be away for a long time then return in his 50s or 60s to lead and unify his people. I am in no way a knowledgable person about the different Yoruba people nor practitioners but this dream was so vivid I had to waddle over and type it. I remember feeling a little sorry for hinm and his sacrafice but feeling sure that I may not be around to see it all transpire. Dont know why.

Anyway the last phase of the dream I walked into a greyhound bus terminal and witnessed an interview taking place from people I didnt know on how comfortable and affordable Greyhound was. How the seats reclined and it was much different. I ended up on the bus where two old girlfriends from Howard sat talking about how different but yet the same I was. Then my girlfriend came on and talked about the festival and how nice it was to see everyone coming together. Her husband and son were ther. I played with her son and then noticed we were driving through Howards campus and I needed to get off but the bus driver said I mnissed my stop. I waited and looked at all the bags I need to carry. Finally I tell the bus driver to let me off but I sat a little too long. He did but I dont remember the walk.

So that was my dream. Im so sleepy still and have no idea what to put in my belly but after the last blog I had a dream that I timie traveled and learned that trying to fix everything and everyone takes too much energy and is like playing God. I really appreciated that dream because the night before I returned to my challenge and prayed and asked God for help with my fear of making bad choices. That dream reminded me I need to enjoy the moment moment so I was very very thankful.

This dream makes me wonder. It makes me more aware of the passing of the baton thats about to happen when this birth occurs. What role I will play by being a mother of a child that deserves to be fed what he or she needs to feel whole and survive in this world. How can I take the blessings of my grandmother's (all of them) sacrafices and be worthy of fitting into a legacy of people that remembered the big picture while having a hand in raising me. I guess, the dream made me remember its bigger than me. Im sure there are other interpretations but just wanted to share.

****** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day******

Currently Im at once a day for prayer. I actually did yoga earlier this week but have been sick via a cold and nausea so the physical issues with the pregnancy have trumpted so much. But I continue to have easier prayer experiences. I feel less anxiety about "messing up prayer". I feel calmer these days. I am missing some siritual comradery. Id love to have a regular small group of people to discuss my spiriaul growth milestones with. I think it would help fortify me when I have a freak out session when something goes wrong. Consistency in spiritual strength is not my strong suit. But Im hoping through this challenge that changes. I need more consistent faith.

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Something Good.. no Great.

This week someone injected thier power to make things a bit harder for me and it sent me off the deep end. I was pissed. I learned about myself that Im the type to let it out so it doesnt get buried but need more permanent ways of not allowing that one incident trigger old fears of failure. So something great was my little sister happened to be available and she was (as usual) so wise and understanding about how she helped me isolate the anxiety and not tie it to old "failures" that I was able to move through it all much quicker. I was so thankful to her. During this time of a new responsibility of becoming a mother and onyl a few months left I really have been worried and anxious about being a bad mama. Or being irresponsible. I dont want that for my baby. But she was a great mirror for me and reminded me to look at the whole picture and stop weighing mistakes more than my successes. I love her and am lucky to have her.

Pregnancy

Um. What can I say. A couple more months to go. The baby is so strong. I have been cutting back on my hours at work and thats helped. I always had the option. Just finally woke up and (with encouragement from my friend Vonn) accepted I need more time to focus on my health and the last few months of the pregnancy.

The Baby

The baby is getting big. I hear the last few months can be a growth spirt for your belly. As I always have typed and though each stage of the way. I acn imagine my stomach getting any bigger. I asked the baby last night, "If you are a girl kick once and if you are a boy kick twice." Immediately after asking the baby kicked four times LOL.

People

I have been better at taking people. Its amazing what they will say. One guy I hadnt seen in a while, like 6 years or so said " I didnt even recognize you you've gotten so big". In front of all these people. Ive never been a quick person with retaliatory come backs. I just said immediately after "you must mean big and fine". I didnt say, "Im seven months pregnant you fool thanks a lot." I think the people around me thought it for me. I rode away remembering how arrogant and angry he was a long time ago, It annoyed me back then. And now I feel sorry for him. But a few days later I found myself looking in the mirror and talking more about being fat. Its amazing the spiritual warfare that goes on in the streets around people who make putting others down look like second nature behavior. It took a few days of acknowledging his comment tapped into an insecurity then I finally let it go. He was one person. There are others like him cause they have all in one way or another been more vocal with me during the pregnancy. Like this was the BEST time to throw thier fear my way. And then, there are the people who have shown me so much unconditional love I can barely type. People who have reminded me how lucky I am to have them in my life and thos people far out weight the others. You have no choice but to receive when you are pregnant and if you are primarily a giver its a scary but beautiful new gift each time its given. I wish every pregannat woman had the supportive people I have. Im grateful.

As always, please please forgive the typos. Im trying to stick to atleast one aspect of the challegne by typing the blog frequently and proof reading seems to become second everytime to sleep or food.

Love,

Nana

So I think I’ve completely abandoned the challenge these last few days. So funny how the thing you need is what you avoid. I think maybe since I’ve been so pooped I just have been running to sleep. So much is going on. I had my first contraction. It was the pre-term one (Braxton Hicks) so its normal so I’m told. I have been so unbelievably tired. I get ready for bed thinking, I hope I get rest. And I rarely do. It’s a bit discouraging. At work I’m constantly thinking, “ I should be drinking water now, prenatal pills … on and on and on”. It’s a lot, for me at least. My mind never ever stops think and wondering if I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do each day to give the baby what it needs. A perfect reason to pray. I hope by the end of this challenge I will have found some balance cause my commitment is as irregular as my mood swings.
I cant wait to start dancing this weekend. I’m going to the dance studio to work on a choreography. My Saturday is looking really really full. Pretty soon my answer to 99% of request will be no thank you.


********** Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ********
Just doing sporadic morning and evening lay down conversation sessions with God. I have no idea why I am losing the drive. I think I feel by myself in this task. Maybe if I had company. Do I really need others that bad to accomplish such an important goal? Half of me wants to beat up on myself and the other half wants to yield to my own needs and limitations.
When I wake up, my first thought is not positive. Its “I’m tired” (laughing). By the morning its my 7th or 8th time in the night getting up to pee and I know I have a minimum of 45mins of food prep and supplement for the day before leaving for work. All I can think of is, “get the food ready”. I’m exhausted lately. I feel myself becoming a bit pessimistic and overwhelmed due to the fatigue. Maybe this challenge is what I need to redirect my thinking. I doubt it will take away the fatigue but I have to believe the negative thoughts are not making things any better.
Wish me luck. Its hard committing to something alone. But I wont give up.

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Pregnancy

Going going.. trying to enjoy moments lol frustrated with not having my full capacity to "fix" things for myself.

The baby is excellent and I love it