The Set Up

Hey there! Welcome to Mama Nana Jazz!

I don't really "blog", which is how most people that turn into raving addicts begin their careers, but I felt this would be a great way to share a little more of myself with others and hold myself accountable for some of the changes I want to make in my life.

In these days, in some parts of this country called USA, we have become so separate from each other. We buy a plane ticket or hop on facebook, send an email or a text and somehow that has to suffice. Well, in my heart I knew that wouldn't do for me.

I'm 5 months pregnant to the day (so the doctors office and their 'pregnancy calendar' says) and I tell you plane tickets, short visits and text messages did not cut it in months 1 - 5 of this pregnancy.

Part of me is submitting to the current scenario of the modern world, and I'm blogging. The other part needs help being a mother, a woman and a person that brings good and not fear into the world. Because quite honestly after 5 months of a rough start... I'm afraid.

Yep. I am afraid of my child thinking the computer is their family. We all have the power to change our environment and lives but I want to make healthy changes so, I have set a goal I have never had a better motivation for, I will challenge myself to pray/mediate twice a day for 365 days while facing my daily happenings.

This blog will help me keep in touch with you and can be a great way to hold myself accountable.

If you don't want to know about my spiritual background you can scroll down past this area and get to the challenge....

************** Brief Spiritual Background ***************

The one consistent, intangible positive beautiful joyous God fueled connection I remember was through Jazz. My father was honest about what he knew about God. He told me God exists. He also told me that one day I would have to find my own way. Then, he would put on Miles Davis Seven Steps to Heaven and make my brother and I think about why it could be called that and we'd all talk about it. Or, Daddy would take us to art shows and allow us to dream, imagine and feel. We made up songs during Kwanzaa and on Sundays, daddy would take us to church, but he didn't go in himself. He said church was a key institution in the black community that helped many people and that without it and God, black people in the US would not be where we are today. He also said after being raised Church of God and Christ he had had enough church (8 days a week according to him) to outlast anyone. He had practiced Islam for a while but we were so young. In our house, the health of black people mattered and being true to yourself without discriminating mattered. We were considered a Pan-Africanist household in our early years and being a thoughtful kind person was just as important as being knowledgeable. One day, daddy and I were walking and an ant crawled across our path. I made its way by but I decided to let go of daddy's hand then stretch my leg almost into the grass just to crush that ant. My dad grabbed my hand and said, "Anana, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna step on the ant daddy", I said cluing him in.
He took my hand and continued walking while saying looking directly in my eyes, "You should never go out of your way to kill another living creature."

I never forgot that.

Other than my father teaching us about quality of a character to learn a path for ourselves, the gifts he gave us were the knowledge of God, the historical relevance structure and social use of church and the beautiful ocean of the arts through Jazz, paintings, dance ... the arts.. so divine in its creative core.

I now know I need more but this was where I started.

*************************BACK TO THE CHALLENGE********************

So, back to the challenge... I did not start today, but I will start tomorrow.

Mama Nana Jazz
A tiny clue, still confused but thankful for the bliss of cultural arts

Challenge: Pray/Meditate Twice A Day for 365 Days
Goal: Blog/Journal honestly about the journey
Content: Honest spiritual, mental health through the arts and prayer while dealing with people and researching life

*************************** Pregnancy Side Notes ************************

Ok this is my first baby. These are the MOST frequently asked questions.

Due Date: May 8th or when God and the baby are ready
Sex: waiting until the day of
Name: Will take the baby home first and do a naming ceremony
Cravings: So far bean pies and any kind of potatoes, nothing tv lad weird though.. yet
Delivery: We will start natural and see how it goes LOL I don't want to but who knows LOL. I definitely DO NOT want a C-Section at all costs. Only if the baby is in danger.
Doula: Need one.
Greatest Difficulty So Far: Meals. Scared to reintroduce what made me puke before. I am exhausted from cooking and I KNOW I'm not getting it completely right. Definitely taking the prenatals. Accepting 100% meals from folks. Saves time and energy.


1st Trimester: Horribly sick. Couldn't keep down liquids for some reason. Lost lots of weight. Migraines. Dehydration. Hospital visit for IV. Bed rest (bout went crazy).

*********** WHY I AM STARTING THIS CHALLENGE **************
That first trimester taught me I needed family. Not social associates(which are nice) but family. My husband held it down but was busy taking care of everything. I missed being sat with, interacting with people. Everyone had a life to live. They were rightfully busy. I had some very special friends cook a meal every now and then, bring a pie, sit and talk with me. I squinted my eyes through conversations from pain and the sun like some vampire. I couldn't fake a smile if I tried. I wanted my great grandmother, grandmother and mother all at once, but I didn't have any of them. Just that couch with a red slip cover telling me to stop shedding dead dehydrated skin all over it day in and day out. Gross.. I know. For three months I didn't dance, I didn't socialize, I sat then laid then sat in a one bedroom condo. Staring at unfinished projects too tired and sick to get up and clean. Worrying about the baby. Wondering why I chose to live so far away from the people who would visit me and help take care of me. My friends who yanked themselves from a busy schedule and behaved like family became saving graces on horrible days. The hospital visit was scary but like my family I joked through it to deflect my fear. I thought about women before me who went through much worse. I felt like a wimp. I big fat baby wuss weakling wimp who was fumbling, trying not to yank out the IV racing (in my head only) to the hospital bathroom. Yes the hospital. My hats off to those stronger than me who endure hospital stays much longer and with much better grace. I was so dehydrated I lost 5lbs in a week. Nothing was absorbing. No food. No liquids. To the hospital I went. My deep fear of needles brought tears to my eyes as the nurse tried a second vein a second time. I was embarrassed cause my friends watched as my hubby held my hand. It was over. I was glad. My friends left. My husband left. I fell asleep with my little IV arm fearfully placed on a pillow. I prayed quietly it would not come out in my sleep.

Then, the very thing I am try to de-centralize in my life brought me company. Facebook. I logged on at 3:30am in a Crawford Long Hospital bed (thanks to my hubby for setting it up) looking for conversation to curb the fear and loneliness and there they were... friends/associates/relief/kindness/concern/conversation.. up late/ or is that early.. they talked to me. I was thankful. I have always believed that even if someone is not your best friend in the whole world, that doesn't mean they don't have a priceless piece of warmth for you and I for them. Thank you all everyone who called, texted, emailed, prayed for, cooked, visited with and without invitation to check on and care about me. I truly needed it and am truly thankful for it.

Now that I am feeling much better I know the lesson of the first trimester really just highlighted my lack of a spiritual regimen. I was lost and scared. My husbands kind optimistic spirit... visits from friends while in the hospital and out became life lines... now I need 365 days to create my own lifeline to God. I still feel like a weakling and ill equipped for such an ambitious challenge (for me at least it is). With a limited religious background I thought I would take the journey so as I become a mother, I can own the responsibility of my own life and spiritual health, keep the good of my past and create new habits so I can take the blessings my dad and others did give me and add to them.

Thanks for reading. This is really helping.

:) Mama Nana Jazz

P.S. Please forgive the typos. I do need to polish up my writing etiquette. The excuse that "I'm not a real writer" wont last past your irritation trying to translate instead of read. I promise I'll work on it.

TODAYS CRAVING: Fresh Juice with pulp. Orange or Tangerine and a slice of Midnight Express Chocolate Mousse Cake from Apres Diem.