Day 11 & 12.. Whew.. Back in the saddle

* me this morning 12/29/09... LOOK HOW BIG I AM !!! Im not even 6 months yet! LOL





Ok so its late and Im up. Let me say I am growing!!!!!!! LOLOLOL I KNOOOW its a beautifu journey and all yet I still feel like Im LARGE LOL. Not a bad thing just a fact on how it physically feels. People are so worried I think poorly of my physique. I dont. lol. It is just such a rapid drastic amazing change of your body contorting before your eyes every day. I will just say instead of "Im getting so big" .. " I am amazed by the changes in my body". Hows that :) Words are powerful.



Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
---Nyota Olugbala

OK my friends back to the challegne....

********** The Challenge: 365 Days Prayer and meditation twice a day ***************
Side note*** I realize I skipped writing about Day 6& 7. I did have excellent prayers and mediations on those days but only once on each cause I was getting sick and flirting with jumping off the challenge wagon LOL.

Soooooo, Im back in the saddle. My first full recovery day to prayer and meditation twice a day on Days 11 and 12.

Day 11 My prayer was good. Exposing. I like how honest I am in prayer. I had a build up of those other days. I see why muslims pray 5 times a day LOL. You need it LOL. I lie so far how I keep it simple and dont ramble like Im talking to my girlfriends. I seem to start with God, I would like help with this fear I have of ... and then somehow I naturally phase into a period of thanks for stuff. Meditation was excellent. I am developing an affinity for this technique I was shown of the Ohm sound. It helps me when I dont feel like putting on a CD of chants. Ofcourse people who chant get to the point where they chant themselves and know what they are saying but Im not there yet LOL so I guess the Ohm has worked out. When I watched the birthing movie "The Business of Being Born" I heard the women during labor and thats what it basically sounded like they were hitting. That low tone humming. One of my good friends allowed me to be a part of her natural water birth and it ... was ... beautiful. Out of no where women started singing ".. hooold ooon.. just a liitle while while longer..." over and over again. I , mean, it, was, beautiful. Anyway, I see these connections to singing and it really speaks to me. The only thing about Day 11 is I didnt feel well so my day ended with a reclining prayer and meditation. I still felt good about it but something in me said, "does it count? (lol) do I get a pregnancy pass for feeling bad? (lol)".

Day 12
Today. Today felt magical Ill tell you why. I really listened to my body and spirit and woke up to pray. I did. I was just bottled up with a few things and needed to express my fears. See them for what thy were. I was trying to pull down a few road blocks. A little confusion was playing out like a lot of confusion in my mind and luckily the prayer reminded me who was more powerful. I heard a friend say the other day that your relationship with God is like a partner dance on the floor (and this person wasnt even a salsa person). She said fighting letting God lead your life was like back leading on the dance floor. Its always much harder if you dont let the lead lead. You tussle and fight and no one has fun cause you are always afraid of what you are not controlling. I got it. It made since to me. I was constantly snatching my hands back from God, seeing God do dope moves and still questioning God's talent. The Creator has more moves than I can count ono the dancefloor and proved it every time. I get surprised like a naive child and then catch amnesia until the next tusseling go 'round. Hilarious, time wasting and true.

Anyhoo, I thought of that and began to really try to "surrender" on the dancefloor of life with God as my lead. I finally felt a "calm certainty" a loose freedom that honestly ( as corny as it seems) felt magical. The prayer went well. The meditation was also excellent. I ohm'd my way into a rinsed feeling and focused more on my breathing. I tried to take in more air. In the past the nausea made me breathe in a shallow way cause Id vomit if you thought about brushing past my stomach. Its nice now to breathe deep and it just be about breathing. I did and when I exhaled I hit up that Ohm. It was nice. I felt a little high at the end and I laid back down cause I needed it. Then I began the hussle of starting my day.

At night, tonight, I did the same and was able to dump this situation on the lap of my lead and pray my lead would wisk the nonsense OFF the dancefloor and bring me back to whats really real. People spreading fear and negativity have no power. They only attract those who want fear and negativity. I think thats false power but I needed that prayer to help me see that was the case in that particular situation. I also was reminded I cant control anyone and how they want to feel. I prayed to let people be negative if they want to be. I clearly have had my fair share of contributing to negative energy so I should not see myself as better than them. I prayed to release that and let me tell you it took a second. I would not have been able to get to sleep if I hadnt released it. In the past I would have just turned on the tv and try to block/bury it all out.

GARBAGE CONTENT MONITOR

I have decided to set up a "Garbage Content Monitor" to carry through out the day. Often 'garbage content' and garbage content exchanges can be egotistically seen as, "hmm Im adding my peaceful perspective to conversation that otherwise would have no balance.. ON FACEBOOK LOLOLOL" Yes I was enticed and jumped in with two feet on a video post that the comments focused on the negative plight of African Americn single women. I think I have a special passion and irritation for how hard people come down on single black women like being married comes with instant wisdom and a level of perfection that far surpasses the lowly single woman. Ridiculous. I was annoyed at some of the comments not because facts were skewed but because the tone was, as usual, so comfortably negative. Ok soo upon request I watched this video (typical dooms day report on the state of black folks), read the responses and .. sigh.. commented, then replied.. sprinkled a few ".. if you dont have anything nice to say keep it to yourself.." LOL so sad Nana.. why! LOL. It just went on from there. I realized 1) I was trying to find a way to point out peoples negativity (translation control thier perspective of African Americans) and 2) indirectly express my personal fear of people being mean to my future African American baby. (handled that one in the prayer)

I spent WAY more time on that 'garbage content' and fear filled exchange than I did talking to my baby today. The Garbage Content Monitor has now been activated. Whether Im "right" or "wrong" regarding the "debate" it was garbage cause it did not add to me nor my baby and the people I was engaging with could care less about the things I was passionate about regarding black folks. NOW I rememebr why I avoid those discussions LOL. Maybe I just neeed a reminder.

Like I said Garbage Content Monitor on. I must not take in more garbage than nourishing uplifting words in a day and I must transmit the postivity to my baby as well. Id love to maintain or just project an image of perfection to quiet the preachy people who constantly bombard me with ".. dont d this... and you are pregnant.. and dont do that ." The preachiness only speaks to my mind. If you want to pray with me and add positve words to my baby, the door is always open. This honesty Im typing is helping. Garbage shall never be greater than nourishment in a day. IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN LOLOL.

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**********************Preganacy Update************************

Sigh so....

Food.

The baby woke me up at 3am tnis morning. I tried to think hmm... maybe the baby doesnt want me to get up for food maybe I shoud lay here a while cause Im tired! LOL That didnt work. Nana got up. Nana is blogging while her food digests. I did get a wonderful package from a friend. A BEAN PIE left at the concierge. I felt the love Jabez was talking about. I am turning the corner. lol. Ah food. People keep asking me about cravings and honestly they arent that 'weird'. I did however today, shock myself and have barbeque potato chips ( an ongoing crowd favorite) with vanilla coconut ice cream. I guess Ive joined the weird bunch but Ill only blog about it. LOL

People.

Hmmm still working on balance with this one. I am being much more honest about stuff so its been different. As I was telling my friend Sharon I would always tell the truth .. if you asked me.. but by and large I really just wanted everyone to be happy and spent more energy pleasing folks than taking care of me. All my choice and fault. Ree said it right when she mentioned the pregnancy is activating a journey or transformation. I am finally not fighting it. I have surrendered and accepted seeing my flaws and blogging about them(still a punch in the gut). But, it seems to be shrinking the shame I have for my flaws. I still worry about being a fear driven mommy (my greastest worry) so Im hoping to improve on that with this challenge. My baby deserves my 100% effort. I now am focusing much more than ever before in my life on people who are giving and taking. Different sifting out the takers but Im definitely doing it.

My belly.
A funny story. A lady at a gathering recently walked in front of me (I did know her but we are not best buds by far) and while looking straight ahead and not at me she glided her hand past my stomach as if she was like a dude grazing your butt at a club and kept going. Hilarious and strange. Can I just say that has to be the weirdest thing that has happened to me since Ive been pregnant. Some women say give it up people will touch your belly with out asking and others say protect your belly. I was shocked. My mom would have chopped her hand away LOL Louisiana women (old school ones) dont like ANYONE touching the belly. She caught me off guard lol.

Cleaning house.
I put a call out requesting a few guy friends of Parris and I to come by tomorrow morning and help me lift items to move into storage and from storage into trash or give away. All four guys are coming. Im so thankful. See Jabez :) I do ask and I am very aware of the support. My butt just hurts from being dropped on it (lololol) by a few folks I thought would come after I called for help. Ill get more mature about. I think I need a few more prayers, meditations and blogs. lol. But the guys will get a good thank you breakfast out of it. Making room for the baby. Very glad to be cleaning house.

OK time for bed... as always thanks for reading and my deepest apologies for the typos LOLOL. I found out my sister in law reads my blogs and I am sooo happy cause I think she is fabulous and I want to find a way to be closer too her. Even if its just through me sharing on the blog. Thanks Brandy.

Leave a comment yall just say hi or something so I know atleast you are reading. :)

Night.. I mean morning.