Day 1... What was I thinking

What the h#$@ was I thinking?
*picture is my day 1 challenge location

Ok no cursing. Even the fake kind. Last time (laughing) So, I woke up
this morning and my arms were sore for some reason. I’m having an
ongoing battle with potential dehydration looming over my head so with every tingle I’m fearing that IV needle. As a result I woke up decided to drink my coconut water (was told by many it was high in natural electrolytes) to hydrate me about 6am. I sat and began my sadly usual routine of…yes… turning on the TV.

Yes the TV has been my escapist activity cemented during bed rest from my list of things to do. I rented a few movies that made the baby laugh at me because I dozed of early during each of them the day before. Usually I wake up early to attempt to make up for my lost entertainment life. इ finished the movie (Julie & Julia my inspiration for the blog) and as it ended the rolling credits
reminded me.. “you have to start your day, no more time to avoid stuff…”। I was tired. Prenatal pill. Food. I am always tired these days and I am NOT getting used to it (laughing on the inside… ok not
really).

THEN… it HIT ME! OH!......The CHALLENGE!! .. I slapped my forehead like a cartoon character as my mind raced.

********************* Day 1 – The prayer **********************

“OK prayer hmm.. don’t screw up the first day of the challenge (laughing).. not a good sign.. ….you’ve done it before Anana. Mainly when times are really bad or really good.. but how should I do it this
time since I have to write about it too?” Well it made no difference. I had the same confusion I always do. How should I sit? Should I kneel like Muslims, wait Christians kneel too, right? This belly will definitely get in the way. Ok let me just do what I’ve done before and sit on my butt with a big pillow (thanks to my mother-in-law), legs crossed. Now, if I meditate should be positioned differently than when I pray so I know the difference ‘cause clearly God knows the difference. Sigh.. the silly little thoughts that race through my head are quite embarrassing to actually type, but its the truth. The confusing worrying thoughts didn’t stop there.

How should I start… “God… wait no…” ok should I bow if don’t bow my head will God think I have no respect for the process. Ok maybe head bowed, its prayer and back straight head up its meditation. I just laugh at myself as I type. But that’s what I thought.

What was I thinking? Why THIS challenge? Why write about it and TWICE.. TWICE a day.. sigh. How can I put myself through praying and meditating twice a day for a YEAR! YES I need it. Yes the baby deserves it. But what if I fail? Does that mean I suck as a mother? Logic and friends voices say “no just keep trying”. I still am not sure, but Ill keep trying.

It is a bit embarrassing to not have a set routine for prayer. Not having a set regimen from my youth makes you imagine everyone else having it alllllll laid out for them.No confusion. No uncomfortable
sessions. They may stray but at least they have a frame of reference. I got a bit discouraged.

Then the baby kicked. I wish I made it up but I’m not that creative of a writer. I got the message little one, “Chill out mama, we can do this” ।

I thought of all the great advice Id received over the years from my great-grandmother to my spiritual mentors and friends. None of them know each other, different religions, difference practices and they all said something similar. God knows your heart, be honest talk about what’s in your heart. Your mind will race on forever, your heart is anchoring you. Be honest. Be humble.

This blog/journal was on my mind and my heart. The baby was on my mind and in my heart. I began to tear up. It was uncomfortable. I shifted my position . I wanted to get up and change my mind. The baby kicked again (once again, I’m not that creative.. the baby really kicked). I thought “I’m terrified of screwing up my child’s life..” I decided to speak out loud so I could focus. To a lit candle facing the balcony and rising sun, eyes opened, I told God I was scared and that I wish I
started this challenge a long time ago.

Then, it got easier. After voicing my fears I said thank you, for a lot of things. The baby’s health, Parris, our parents, friends. Our income and skill sets.. I kept going. My muscles began to relax and my jaw became less tense. I looked down at the baby and was so glad थेbaby got to feel me relax.
When I was done with the prayer I was calmer. I still was concerned but less fearful, at least for that moment. It was good.

************************ The Meditation **********************
Time for the meditation. They say prayer is you talking and meditation is you listening.

I decided to sit still. While I sat I thought about my aunt who has leukemia and is in the hospital now. She has to stay in Texas for the medical care and we all “have to” stay where we are. She has my other aunt with her but she has to be lonely and missing that group family energy. I really am having a rough time accepting how separate we all are. I thought about Buddhism and how it deals with suffering and how much a hate to think about it.

Submitting to the fact that my thoughts wouldn’t stop I got up and turned on these chants my friend provided me with. They helped me chill out with my thoughts.

I called my aunt when I was done.

********************************************************************

I was done. ½ of the challenge complete. I bent over to the side and really felt this belly as I tried to get up. I felt like I had a book bag strapped to the front of me as I tried to get up. This will be harder the bigger I get. But I’m gonna try to stay optimistic about the challenge. What was I thinking? I guess this is how you grow by doing something harder than you are used to until it isn’t hard anymore.

I just have to do this one more time today.. sigh.. beneficial.. yes… easy.. no.

Wish me luck and tell me about you. Its nice to not travel on a journey alone.

As a note, I hope more folks leave comments. It’s the only way I know you stopped by. I lit up getting emails calls and comments from people I care a lot about saying they read my thoughts. It kept making my day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nana

************* Pregnancy Update **************

How I’m feeling today?
I feel bigger. like my stomach is bigger. Its poking out farther.
People stare at it LOL. Its kind of weird because everyday I look down
and see more and more BELLY! LOL It will soon be time for a new coat.

The baby.
I keep thinking Im squishing the baby so I’m just trusting the doctor
friends and family that I’m not LOL

Food.
My friend Randall from Howard had Parris and I over for dinner and I was in hog
heaven. 1. I didnt have to cook 2. I didn t have to clean up
afterwards 3. My hubby got to eat good and spend time with a dear
friend 4. I didn’t have to wash dishes 5. I didn’t have to wash dishes
6. I got to bring home leftovers for lunch and ofcourse… 7. I didn’t
have to wash dishes (laughing). Thank you Randall.. so very much.

Emotions.
I cry easily these days. I feel quite sensitive. Can’t seem to change
it. The other day I heard a neighbor say, “ I don’t need to see the
movie Precious. She’s ugly so she’ll never get out of the ghetto. I
already know the ending no need to watch the movie.” I couldn’t
believe it. It was two days ago and I never forgot it. It made me so
sad. We can be so cruel. It reminded me that it doesn’t matter what I
do. This world may not be kind to my child if its not the popular
thing to do. Oh well.. we will get the baby ready.

Cravings.
I had my Midnight Express cake and it was fabulous. But I am craving
more raw fruit and stuff. Mainly tangerines and oranges. The bean pies
are still strong and Im so thankful for those who have brought those
bean pies I ATE ALL of it. :)

Daddy
Its been an honor watching Parris grow into daddy mode. He’s
definitely a loving treat to have around. We both have had major
challenges and I like seeing him develop a completely different
relationship with my belly. So different. So nice.

Leave your thoughts.