Content Matters Days 3, 4 and 4.5

*my mother, me and my older sister

So I have successfully completed 4 FULL days of the challenge and trust me, it has not been easy. As a reminder I am praying and meditating twice a day for 365 days. I didn't want to stress myself out so there are no stipulations as to when or how just to do it. I explained in earlier blogs my background and how I have no stable history of spiritual or religious practice but I wanted to create something for myself as Nana first then as a mother and then for my baby. I wanted to have something to say other than God exists and loves us more than we love ourselves more often than not. My only stipulation is to be honest in these journals/blogs. Now, honestly speaking I still don't feel fabulous about the process. Not in the least bit. Not only do I get to read over my constant typo's as I attempt to complete blogs between work, eating sleeping and daily life stuff but I also get the delightful treat of honesty. Yes that wonderful experience of seeing the truth of who you are thrown back at you like a punch to the gut. Gasping for air I step out of myself and imagine others watching me do it and its not pretty. But I tell you I'm learning with this barbaric and enlightening experience that content matters.

*************** The Challenge Day 3 & 4 *****************

On day 3, I fell into the TV watching first habit. I felt sick that Sunday morning and completely reverted to the bed rest behavior of trying to ignore feeling physically horrible. I learned on day three that when I feel physically bad I completely fall apart spiritually. I remember thinking during the height of the nausea and vomiting that God wasn't stronger than pregnancy nausea. HORRIBLE I KNOW. But I honestly thought that. I could not see past that feeling. I felt like I had poison in my veins. Sounds extreme I know but I felt just that bad. Sunday I didn't regress that much but just a hint of feeling bad and apparently I'm programmed to run to the TV. Well I waited and laid and waited and considered drugs (nausea medication) and laid and chatted with a few friends until I got a text from my friend whose father was in the hospital asking for prayer. I took it as a sign. I got right up, turned off the TV and prayer for her dad then starting my daily obligation to myself and you. I did feel a little better afterwards but most of all I felt a motivation to get my day started whether I felt sick or not. So I did.

The end of the third day I got home late again and almost didn't make but did my first sleepy and groggy prayer and meditation, then knocked out.

Day 4 was the same, I chose to turn on the TV first instead of praying. I think the lack of formal pressure to "order" the challenge gave me some freedom. I liked it. But I knew I always felt better when I prayed first. Its amazing how it feels like a long time during the prayer and meditation but when you arise not much time has passed.

I spent the day going to the doctors and feeling this little person in my belly kick and punch as if it was in some triathlon competition. I could not figure out what in the world it could be doing that inspired so much kicking LOL. The doctor put in her guess for a boy based on the fact she had to chase my little one around my belly like it was a four bedroom house or something just to get the heartbeat. She said girls are much calmer than that and that boys are definitely more active. All I could think about was dance class and sports practice.

When I arrived at work, still sleepy as usual, I found myself thinking a lot about my baby and its life. I realized that I was developing a fear of other people judging my child for various reasons. His/hers looks, behavior, parents, beliefs etc. I wondered why I was so sure the baby would be judged. Why I had recently become so instantly prepared for the negative. In the past I knew the negative was there but it wasn't my first choice. After feeling forgotten I seem to have a darker perspective of people than before and I need to get rid of it as my primary thought. I could care less if you had a nasty attitude before and now I feel most people have it hidden and when you most need them they may not be there. Its almost ridiculous cause simultaneously I had people come through who I was so happy did and some I had no idea cared that much. Why do we primarily remember the bad? Why do we primarily react to the bad. Why do we believe the bad more than the good?

I'm perplexed these days. I came out of the position f truly needing help feeling more vulnerable than when I really needed the help. I know people have good in them, but how to you keep from getting hurt? How do you protect yourself. I used to think I was a good judge of character but this past experience has taught me I may be a good judge of character but I still know not a dog on thing about people. I now know why some folks don't share one drop of information about themselves. Why they withdraw or take 20yrs to open up to people. I guess that's why people liked Jesus so much because the bad that happened to him (as the story is written) didn't harden his heart. He did not withdraw and only see bad in people. Bad things have happened to me and I have not withdrawn as much as I wanted to withdraw this time. Not sure why.

I prayed and meditated this morning, the first half of day 5. I figured something out. It seems simple but I have learned that content matters. I prayed this morning and out of no where my favorite poem came to mind, "Our Deepest Fear".

I recited it from memory and it really helped to ground my prayer. I thought I was afraid to trust people and friends again but I really learned from that prayer I trusted them too much. We are all flawed. Definitely me. Why should I place so much in other people when the only perfect Ive found so far is the grace of God through experiences channeled by the same flawed people at moments, only moments in life. There is nothing constant and sure about any of us. In my prayer I realized we all feel fear. I need a bit more compassion and forgiveness for people. That's what I learned from my prayer and mediation this morning.

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The content of my prayer needs to now involve more. I have no idea what that will be. I need to re institute the research I started before I got pregnant on Christianity, Buddhism, Islam and so on. Do I even need to choose a religion? Who knows. So many people are freestyling but I just want to be held accountable and notice my own growth. I need more information to build more content to my character and to my prayer/meditation challenge. To learn more about how I should be absorbing people. How far to take them in, when and how to protect myself. I have no idea how. I have two ways of living so far, loving 100% or withdrawing 100%. I know that wont work. I need to find a happy medium that doesn't involve so much fear.

This darn challenge is making me too honest LOL. Is that possible. I do want balance. I don't want to be 100% in or 100% out. I am feeling 100% into this challenge and hopefully one day I can feel worthy enough, have the content of character to be 100% into the Creator.

I feel the content of the Creator, in my mind heart and body at least, when I dance, feel the baby kick, see the strength of my sisters, remember the sacrifice my father made, listen to a musicians loose themselves, watch an artist paint, am forgiven when I didn't deserve it, forgive truly someone who who care less if I forgave them or hear my nieces and nephews laugh. I know its there. I just need more of a relationship with it.

Content Content Content. Now I know why there is religion. People want to control content cause content shapes your journey. I guess another word is knowledge.

Sigh, well I have 361.5 days to go. I pray I will absorb some content that helps to balance me, my baby and add to my family.

I'm quite sure I rambled this time. Thanks for be so kind as to read and comment. It really means a lot.

Calmly,

Nana

********** Pregnancy Update ************

Baby.

This baby is very very active. If you push out your tongue to your cheek semi-fast, that's what it feels like in my tummy when the baby kicks. Sometimes fast sometimes slow. I am treasuring every second of it. I wish I had an ultrasound machine in my house Id watch it every day.

Saw the doctor yesterday and got the "OK" on movie theater noise levels AND spinning when I salsa. She said it doesn't hurt the baby at all. I'm soooooo glad. Off to the dance I go!

Food.

I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing regarding food but I know I need more veggies. I'm getting better with balancing my meals though. I used to eat to play it safe with my stomach so Id get something in there. But now I need to eat more healthy since the baby is accepting more stuff.

People.

People want to touch my stomach. A lot! I remember wanting to touch preggy bellies but asking first. Why do people feel its ok to just grab at you. So different. This one lady did it so I grabbed her stomach and played with it too. It didnt go over too well. LOL but I made my point.

Marriage.

Marriage feels different now. You hear people talk about change. Some people talk about it with arrogance. Some people talk about it with a sense of "misery loves company", and others talk about it as it being just as beautiful as the love you feel now not better not greater just with more depth. I really think ( and they hubby is in agreement) that marriage is so much work it should be called labor. Cause the pain is 100% a part of it. But now that the baby is coming, the big push I had been preaching about "family perspective" and connecting with family is now coming to reality. Funny how you learn in marriage its not about you being right but about the end result finally happening. Im sure we havent begun to brush the tip of the iceberg but Im glad there are people not just watching us like a tv show to entertain them. Im glad there are people who want to a part of our family and care enough to remember this is brand new for us and it take a village to raise a child and a marriage. I can only hope they see it that way.

Work.

I'm just glad I dont know whats around every corner and have started praying cause being forced to be around people you would never hang out with .... need I finish? LOL

The Poem

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.