Big Smiles - Day 2

*Me and my little sister. I cant wait til she comes.

I did it! Yesterday night I made it home about 10:30ish and these days thats like 3am for me. Parris and I received a great gift from our from Mawuli and his wife, shook our butts to some old school, then came home. I defintiely scared a few folks as I wiggled through "...LL Cool J is hard as **** .... battle anybody I dont care you **** I ex**** they all **** .... Rock tha bells!". I was too happy to be dancing even though it was just a little.

As I rode home in the car I thought again, what in the world ( ;) was I thinking???????? I am tooo tired to pray AND meditate. What am I gonna write about.. " Its day 1 ya'll and I only prayed and meditated ONCE..sigh pathetic".

So, I got home and had a wonderful excuse NOT to do it. We had an unexpected guest. We all chatted and as 11pm approached I excused my sleepy self to pee for the 100th time in the day, and I made my way to to he bedroom to yes.. pray and meditate. A BED! 10:45pm! A baby in my belly.. that all equaled sleep to me. How was I not going to drift off? Well, I closed my bedroom door, sat on the bed, crossed my legs, bowed my head and talked to God. I still felt timid but I opened my mouth sooner this time. I remembered I wanted to express my fears. I felt really good getting them off my chest so I did it again. It flowed. I was still so surprised at how much I was afriad of. Yet, even though I seemed to be such a yellow tail, I also was equally thankful for those who put up with my confused behind. I thanked God for the people who see right through me and still allow me to grow and screw up on my own. I apologized and asked for forgiveness for people Ive hurt. Crazy thing is I was so hurt about people not visiting me when I was down for so long that as usual I forgot about the people I have hurt. I hope they forgive me. I asked for forgiveness.

I thanked God too for the super fabulous blessing of my little sister surprising me to come down. She quite often makes me feel like the little sister. Her wisdom was shaped by experiences that were too harsh for her but I am the benefactor of the product.. her strength and wisdom. I love her so much and my heart feels saved by her visit. I truely was engrossed in my prayer by then. I didnt fall asleep. Wasnt even close to sleepy just thinking about how much I loved my sister and appreciate her for coming to spend a week with me. I needed it so bad.

After the prayer I meditated. I thought about my friend Jabez's statement about the body adjusting so I was a bit more patient with myself. I sat and breathed. It was nice. I felt humbled. Somehow through all my whinning and crying, again, as usual, I was about to be the recipient of some grace and it was being brought by someone I should be taking care of. But she was coming to take care of me. I sat in quiet aw of my little sisters selfless act.

The next day, that would be today, I woke up calmer. I was just tooo happy to have prayed and meditate TWICE in one day. I can honestly say that never in my life have I ever done that. Without sounding corny I just would like to say I felt like the affects were near instant. I felt calmer. Not like things were cured, but I felt more balanced. More whole. Like I was flawed and graced at the same time in stead of just flawed.

I woke up and prayed and meditated on day 2, today, this morning. It was nice. Again, I tried to not shy away from the honesty and fears. Then I meditated. Usually once I wake up Im up. My mind races. It could be 5am but Im up. Thats good when you are running yourself in the ground working on 30projects trying to forget things that make you feel bad instead of facing them. But today I faced somethings that made me feel bad. I prayed. I cried. I meditated. And... I went back to sleep. Phenominal.

Its the close of Day 2 and I just saw Avatar. It was good if you like sci fi .. I do. Again I thought Id come back and be ready for bed but .... I prayed and meditated. I must admit I did not go too deep into my fears but I did spend time being thankful. It was an excellent day today. I did what I could, and it was enough.

Reading over the last few blogs I did feel exposed but not in a bad way. I read the blogs and the grandmother in me wanted to give me a hug. I feel and felt a since of ..patience and compassion for myself I didnt feel before blogging. Strange. Friends knowing I have fears and struggles felt somehow weird cause I cant say we all talk about them. Not that we need to but.. I dunno. I do know however that this feels far much better than before. Holding it in. That wasnt working.

This feels so much better. Thanks again for letting me know you are reading by commenting. It means more than you know to know Im not walking the journey completely alone.

Thanks,

Nana

***********Preganancy Update ****************

I feel.

Bigger.. LOL and BIGGER lololol

Questionning.

Im worried the movie theater decible levels are too loud for the baby. I wrap my belly in my coat lol. I have an appt soon so Ill ask the doctor.

Happily.

I wore heels today! :) woo hoo balance was different but I felt gooood. Its not everyday but it was today. AND I did'nt throw up today.

Craving.

Vanilla Pecan "Ice Cream". Came home to pray first but I will have some tomorrow mmmmmmmmmmm

Baby.

Kicking away. My mom now switched her guess from a girl to a boy. Fromthe "size" of the head she says on the ultrasound, she thinks its a boy now LOL. I cant wait to see in May.

Daddy.

Daddy Parris took me on a date last week and I hadnt had one in MONTHS!!! So I took him out tonight. I was happy he was happy. I did so much by himself to take care of me it I wanted to say thank you. I wish I had more of my family here so it didnt have to fall so much on him but I did have a few friends who came through. Thank ya'll.

Good night. :)