Hey hey now... I think Im ready to restart the challenge I originally started of meditation and prayer twice a day. What I am now realizing is I have bypassed accomplishing a lot by just (somewhat) maintaingin this blog. Usually in the past when I journal my handwriting is so horrible I dont have the pleasure of rereading typos an bad ideas or good ideas and repeat revelations. I tell you its quite a journey in life when you cant help but be introspective on a day to day basis. I know people who arent very introspective DIALY and lemme tell you its seems like they are having more fun and stress/think about tuff less. But all in all FINALLY at 36 I am learning who I really am and what will just be me .. just be who I am.
I danced fully yesterday with friends for the first time in months.. for the first time since before the baby and I tell you it was like a delicious meal after coming off a fast. I had on of those moments when my hand strecthed in the air mid stream where I felt time stand still ( on purpose or divine ordered ) it stood still for me.. little old me to have a moment of sheer gratitude and bliss for being able to move without worrying about hurting the baby or without extreme pain from the surgery or or or. It was sheer gratitude and blis. My chest is warm just thinking about it.
My body, yes I feel enormous.. like I have on a jiggly snowsuit. When I see my refelction I just cant beleive how large I am. I know people are talking about how big Ive gotten post baby or not. Im in such a visible position by teaching dance. And yess I can type how looks dont matter and dont care what people think but I do NOTICE what people think. It doesnt register however as much as I think about myself. I think I look stifled by the weight. Not completely unattractive but bottled up by cellulite. Whats crazy is when i was smaller no one wanted to hear what I had to say about my weight or image then they would cancel it out. Like my emotions didnt matter cause I wasnt 800lbs. Now no one wants to heasr it either cause they want to feel beuatiful. Well all our wants cant do a darn thing if the person (ME) isnt doing internal work to not feel that way. What is bad s not letting someone express thier true emotions no matter what thier size is.
Lastly I escaped to Jeju Saturday. I really really am glad I took that time for myself to wash and be clean. I have to leave early cause I cant stomach knowing I mniss Jasiri M-F and only have two days to spend with him. Im not primary in his development im not his priary consoler during the day. It frustrates me and Im trying to find a way to be at peace with where I am knowing Im doing my best... but im not there.
**** the challenge 365 days meditation and prayer twice a day ****
Well I need to count to find out what day Im on but im a good 6months into this challegne that took a hiatus due to child birth. At this moment I have a strong pull to shower up and step out and meditate but its fighting a big fat draw to get to work extra early and get a jump on my task list. Its going to be a busy week. I dont know what Im going to do but I will write about it and stick as much to my challegne as I can.
My cousin said the only thing I should remember abut spiritual growth is it is inconsistent. Im hoping so cause regularity is not my strong suit. Try to get a groove worked in for my spirit.
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Post Partum
I think I have a touch of it. I thought it would come on out of no where like a singular storm cloud everyone points at but it never rains. But no, its a DIRECT result of stressors. Still healing fromthe surgery (pain etc.), work and other things
I wish I lived closer to family. Im convinced that the effects of post partum can be washed away if you have more women family around you. Currently im stressed because I chose to blog instead of getting to work early so Im imagining things that coul go wrong at the office because I didnt choose to leave out. But Im learning I need to be sane to be a good worker LOL and this is helping. So crazy how cold this modern world is towards the changes a woman goes through. I do need more time to adjust on the inside. To bond with Zaiire to get my body healthy. I sit at my desk all day and have to pump no walk at lunch time cause the girls get enormous.
But, I think Im ready to continue growing on the inside so my outside can refelct the peace I will feel on the inside.
Z Baby
I love him. He is so much darn fun it almost doesnt seem fair.
Thanks for reading. Id love to read your comments.
Nana