Mama Nana Jazz

a blog/journal about life - tackling a challenge, loving the arts and talking about it about it

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Think Im Ready



Hey hey now... I think Im ready to restart the challenge I originally started of meditation and prayer twice a day. What I am now realizing is I have bypassed accomplishing a lot by just (somewhat) maintaingin this blog. Usually in the past when I journal my handwriting is so horrible I dont have the pleasure of rereading typos an bad ideas or good ideas and repeat revelations. I tell you its quite a journey in life when you cant help but be introspective on a day to day basis. I know people who arent very introspective DIALY and lemme tell you its seems like they are having more fun and stress/think about tuff less. But all in all FINALLY at 36 I am learning who I really am and what will just be me .. just be who I am.

I danced fully yesterday with friends for the first time in months.. for the first time since before the baby and I tell you it was like a delicious meal after coming off a fast. I had on of those moments when my hand strecthed in the air mid stream where I felt time stand still ( on purpose or divine ordered ) it stood still for me.. little old me to have a moment of sheer gratitude and bliss for being able to move without worrying about hurting the baby or without extreme pain from the surgery or or or. It was sheer gratitude and blis. My chest is warm just thinking about it.

My body, yes I feel enormous.. like I have on a jiggly snowsuit. When I see my refelction I just cant beleive how large I am. I know people are talking about how big Ive gotten post baby or not. Im in such a visible position by teaching dance. And yess I can type how looks dont matter and dont care what people think but I do NOTICE what people think. It doesnt register however as much as I think about myself. I think I look stifled by the weight. Not completely unattractive but bottled up by cellulite. Whats crazy is when i was smaller no one wanted to hear what I had to say about my weight or image then they would cancel it out. Like my emotions didnt matter cause I wasnt 800lbs. Now no one wants to heasr it either cause they want to feel beuatiful. Well all our wants cant do a darn thing if the person (ME) isnt doing internal work to not feel that way. What is bad s not letting someone express thier true emotions no matter what thier size is.

Lastly I escaped to Jeju Saturday. I really really am glad I took that time for myself to wash and be clean. I have to leave early cause I cant stomach knowing I mniss Jasiri M-F and only have two days to spend with him. Im not primary in his development im not his priary consoler during the day. It frustrates me and Im trying to find a way to be at peace with where I am knowing Im doing my best... but im not there.

**** the challenge 365 days meditation and prayer twice a day ****
Well I need to count to find out what day Im on but im a good 6months into this challegne that took a hiatus due to child birth. At this moment I have a strong pull to shower up and step out and meditate but its fighting a big fat draw to get to work extra early and get a jump on my task list. Its going to be a busy week. I dont know what Im going to do but I will write about it and stick as much to my challegne as I can.

My cousin said the only thing I should remember abut spiritual growth is it is inconsistent. Im hoping so cause regularity is not my strong suit. Try to get a groove worked in for my spirit.
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Post Partum

I think I have a touch of it. I thought it would come on out of no where like a singular storm cloud everyone points at but it never rains. But no, its a DIRECT result of stressors. Still healing fromthe surgery (pain etc.), work and other things

I wish I lived closer to family. Im convinced that the effects of post partum can be washed away if you have more women family around you. Currently im stressed because I chose to blog instead of getting to work early so Im imagining things that coul go wrong at the office because I didnt choose to leave out. But Im learning I need to be sane to be a good worker LOL and this is helping. So crazy how cold this modern world is towards the changes a woman goes through. I do need more time to adjust on the inside. To bond with Zaiire to get my body healthy. I sit at my desk all day and have to pump no walk at lunch time cause the girls get enormous.

But, I think Im ready to continue growing on the inside so my outside can refelct the peace I will feel on the inside.

Z Baby

I love him. He is so much darn fun it almost doesnt seem fair.


Thanks for reading. Id love to read your comments.
Nana

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head



Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head


Before I begin, let me bring you up to speed via video of my babies growth. I love him so (born May 5, 2010 - 3 months old now). Just amazed I was lucky enough to be a conduit for him coming here.

VIDEO – 15 DAYS OLD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNznpC4MAD0

VIDEO - ZaiireJasiri 1month and 6days after his first bath 6/8/10 ... Zaiire Jasiri Dean Parris ...

VIDEO VIDEO - Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) 5 weeks old in 3 month old clothing lol 11lbs

VIDEO Reading to Zaiire 2 1/2 months old Daddy P reading to Zaiire

The birth story will be another blog, just know I had to have an emergency c-section from complications the hospital created (exactly like the movie the business of being born said). I have been loving on Zaiire since he came out and now I am at work. 8am – 5pm and I wanna cry from missing him sometimes. It just seems wrong to need to nurse, have my glands fill up(painfully might I add) every few hours and me give it all to a machine until I get home, super tired only to have him on occasion prefer the bottle to me, his mother. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have enough milk stored that pump is my best friend. It means sleep. It means my baby gets the best nutrition for him and I get the best medicine for my fatigue.
I cant describe this phase but I can say that my interest prior to delivering Zaiire of prayer and meditation is so needed right now. I knew what I was gonna need. I needed to increase my faith. And boy do I need it. Im believing too much in what I see right now. What Im hearing right now. Worry, concern .. fear. About money, work, marriage, family, a new house.. just too much. I need to reach for that which I cant see and I do wish I had a better connection before hand however now is not the time for regrets. I just remember wanting to see where I am now when I was pregnant. I wanted to know exactly how hard it would be so that I would be inspired to try harder. What I am learning and have learned is my forceful push to solve and finalize a spiritual regimen was the exact thing that would make this time difficult. The pushing. Im like the child that keeps asking “why, why, why but why” only IM doing it to myself and aggravating myself LOLOOL. So, Ive been sleepwalking and living in my head. Experiencing and trying to figure out at the same time “why” then “how” , how to “fix” things. How to I fix the fact that my boobs swell up with milk hurt and are sore all day long? Cant. Its just how it is. How do I get sleep, feed my baby, work, grow a business and be happy all at the same time? Cant, have to prioritize. My mind knows these things but for some reason Im still asking why over and over again. Sigh, well. I did get one thing right. This blog. I need to get it out. I have also received some excellent constant advice from my cousin who me/enlightened me in on the very thing I need to spend a life time working on.. and that is not to forcefully push or over organize a spiritual expression cause letting your spirit flow is not a regimented thing and my spirited has been boxed up after the physical trauma of child birth and now the survival mode of money making. Just typing this out seems to be a release. I need to get back to it.
Im grateful for the health of my family. Im grateful Im not nauseas anymore Im grateful my baby is storng and healthy. I grateful for the house Im hoping to buy. Im grateful for JEJESAUNA.NET! Im grateful for my sister nieces and mother coming to visit me. Im grateful for my cousin and friends who help me find sanity once a week. Im grateful for my income. Im grateful I will be able to dance soon. Im grateful for sun on my skin. Im grateful for pecan candy and caramel cake. I grateful for sistahs that understand. I grateful for my great grandmother and ancestors that dealt with more than me.Im grateful for my babies smile.
Siiigghh .. I feel a little better. Thanks for reading. Being honest aint easy but it sure is freeing.
Nana