"... its been a long time since I left you, without a dope .."

aaaand I'm back. Talk about a long stretch. I feel different today. This morning. Its about 6am and Im up trying to down my water, still a challenge, and I really am getting close to the end of the pregnancy but not my challenge. I wish I knew what it was specifically that I'm afraid of when it comes to praying and meditating. I can only guess I'm afraid it won't help. Which is insane because every single time I do it does. What in the world is that all about?

Am I worried that I will grow beyond people I love and miss them? Am I worried that God will laugh at my efforts? Am I worried that I I wont be consistent? Well, one thing I do know is I definitely beat up and punish myself as if Im my own medieval flogging preacher and worshiper every time things don't go as my little head thinks it should. Typing things out helps cause reading over my own thoughts shows I had no idea I was so punitive of my own actions when God and he faith I want to reinforce is so loving and forgiving. This is why I'm sure I need regular help.

Some great things have happened. The closer I'm getting to delivering, the more people have come out to support the journey. The larger my belly gets the sweeter my husband gets. The visual side of pregnancy matters 100%. I never knew that. I thought maybe I could get a 30/70 split leaning towards support no matter how big I was but nope, what a good lesson in reality. Just like out of sight out of mind. I dont think if it wasnt for facebook folks would remember I was even pregnant. But I dont take offense at all its just truely a shattering of this mystical image I had in my head of how pregnancy would be. Sort of like a woman being fed the fairytale image of marriage. I was never ever one of those women and thought I had an edge, then I got pregnant and needed a Rehab center to survive the sobering effects of what pregnancy and the treatment of pregnant women is really like.

Don't get me wrong Im not trying to say its all bad I just have to be honest and say my imagination and expectations FAR surpassed the experience and I now see through journaling that that was my number one battle. Sigh, truly sobering.

The blessing is that folks have decided to accompany me still as I continued to learn it like kind grandparent, loving but allowing to fall and fail and get hurt and cry and 'express disappointment' and contemplate and reflect and strategize.. and basically over think the hell out of being pregnant LOL.

Well, I'm so thankful to those and for the forced experiences that make me sit down and just be thankful. The most current forced experience has been .... a CONTRACTION! LOL

********* 365 Meditation and Prayer twice a day ***********

So, the challenge. In my last blog/journal entry I wanted to find a community but have been so preoccupied with going on leave from work and organizing the home I seem to have blocked everything out.

I have noticed I've reverted back to verbal dumping of fears and concerns onto friends. Sorry ya'll. I know its a balance that occurs in friendships but Im ready to grow beyond making friends my only source. Its a taxing job for someone who is only human. I think my ego forgets peer to peer counseling is not the most humbling experience since we are all in the same boat. Talking to God humbles me instantly. Maybe thats adding to my resistance. So I'm not giving up on he challenge. I have avoided it lately and used as an excuse... what would it matter if I didnt. But it matters a lot. I dont want to give up on growing. Not just because of the baby but because I said I wanted to be a better person. I dont want to be a big fat chicken and limit myself when the people before me didnt limit themselves.

Im back on the horse again. And will be more forgiving of myself when I mess up and shorten the time span for trying again. Honestly I think that is a massive theme in my life in most areas. I need to meditate on releasing all of that.

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*************The Pregnancy **************

Stretch Marks

Apparently lotioning everyday is not the only thing you are supposed to do. Sigh....

The other assignment seems to be;

-wear your belly brace as often as possible no matter how much the baby punches it

-dont walk around at all so gravity can not help the fault lines form

- dont just focus on the part of the belly you can see when heavily lotioning LOL

- dont just lotion after a shower. hit the stomach up as often as possible sigh

I just wish I knew these things ahead of time lol

Baby

The baby is larger.. muuuch larger. My ribs are less tender but the sharp jabs that to the baby is finding a comfortable nook by its foot have not stopped.

The baby is fun and funny. I cant wait to match the out of womb personality with the in the womb personality. Sometimes I worry about hurting it when I bend down but the doctors tell me repeatedly the baby is ok. Before, I felt movement now I feel a person inside me. So so strange. I feel it completely. It never gets old. Ever.

People

Apparently the number 1 question now from people I dont know well is that I am 8+ months is " .. so , are you scared about the delivery." then I see an invisible bowl of popcorn come out like Im the matinee show before their main activity for the day. Funny how near strangers will dib and dab at emotional questions when you are pregnant that they wouldntr for any other topic like " so.. before your divorce hearing were you scared?".

The great thing is about people now is that they are allowing me more space to be me. Pregnancy give you an authenticity pass in public cause folks want to believe the only reason you are acting a certain way is because you are pregnant. Its all very interesting, but I do feel much better about dealing with people.

I heard a friend tell me recently the Maya Angelou was being interviewed on the Tom Joyner Morning show (not a fan but happy about the community work he does). One of the female interviewers ask Maya Angelou if she ever had an affair. Maya told her, " honey there are just somethings you dont ask a lady in public. Now get her in private and there's no telling what she'll say but there are just some things you dont ask a woman in public." Not all people ofcourse, but some are just without any home training and they all have something to say.

Whats REALLY funny is the "people" who without asking to touch your belly reach to touch it say, not 5 mins later, "when I was pregnant I hated when people didnt ask me to touch my belly." And I'm thinking, what alternate universe is she living in cause she just reached for mine without asking? Craziness LOL

Labor

I have absolutely no idea what to expect other than various levels of pain. Im praying some music and my number one coping mechanism, jokes, will help but who knows. I do know that Im actively blocking out the fear peddlers cause they are all over the place like some Stephen King movie.

I had a few light contractions and went to the hospital last week. I saw the maternity ward for the first time. They werent letting visitors through cause of the Swine Flu.. wait no the H1N1 thing. They wanted the flu season to pass. So we got to talk to the nurses about the policies and my mind was laid to rest about a lot of worries that day. I feel positive now about going in.

The only thing I wish is if I had someone for me to be there for my delivery since now its just me Parris and his mom. My mom was gonna be my coach but she's not gonna make it. I know Ill be fine but I wish that was different.

I also think about the dangers of labor sometimes. Parris and I had "the talk" if something happened he wanted to know my wishes as far as saving the baby or saving me. I told him without question save the baby. Ive had a good run here and Im truly satisfied with my life. If I had to leave I know for a fact I have done my best to love people and not try to make them guess if I love them or not. Its the baby's turn.

Friends

Friends have been love peddlers and I can't thank them enough. Truly, I cant. I must say I wasnt good at it before but it really is nice to receive.

Family

I miss them more and more each day of this journey and am thankful for those who behave like family here in ATL. I would have a different experience without them.

In a Bubble

Lately I havent only NOT been doing my challenge, I have been contemplating if the challenge is helping as much as I need it to. I started the challenge thinking the prayer and meditation would reveal things to me. It has to some extent but the closer i get to delivering the more worried I get that I am not spiritually equipped to handle the process and other people.

Life is changing big time and I have a greater need for receiving good energy from others than before. With this challegne and the pregnancy I feel like I am in a bubble. A bubble walking on a journey only I can do. Just me. No one else can be this beautiful baby's mama. Carry it. Deal with everything that comes with the reality that my dad raised me primarily and I have no idea how to be a mother. Only I can face that and in this bubble I see people wanting me to smile and cheese and speak positive only. Care for te baby and never be negative. So, Ive been feeling myself become fake, something Ive never done. I dont know if its becoming fake to please people and keep them away or if I just dont know any other way to respond to these massive changes and truthful experiences. Im learning through NOT meditating that without a spiritual community that inquires about your heart, your prayer, your fears.

I look at people and I know they have troubles just like I do. I know they have challenges. I also know that my personal fears and challenges wont go away with a blog. I am also learning they wont go away with me keeping them to myself. I want to keep the challenge so I dont isolate myself. This blog is my way of staying honest with the people I care about but I now see that I need help or.. company on my spiritual journey.

I am not sure if sitting in a chapel, then socializing afterwards is really helpful to me. I wish I could be like some who do everythign privately and get results. They go to a church or a mosque etc. and socialize and go to work and .... blah blah and they pray in private and reconcile thier confusion, thier fears and hopes in private. They get replenished and continue going on and on and on. I beleive those people exist. At this moment in my life, I am at a crossroads and want to choose a peaceful foundation. A consistency I have not incorporated.

So, now I want to add that in addition to prayer and meditation I want to find a spiritual community. Not a cult or a watered down social network. A simple, basic, sincere place to be me. Happy, sad, confused, imperfect, uncomfrtable, comfortable.. me. People who are also on a journey but the environment and goals of the practice inspire them to want to deal with the insides of a person. If I am missing for a while and am going through a major change, those people wont wait for me to ask for help. They will call or visit and offer. The community will be just as flawed as others. It will have an understanding of the pull of modern times and schedules and economics but operate in a fashion that is easy. Simple.

I feel like now I can have something to ask for in my prayers and listen for in my meditation. I would like guidance towards that. In the past I researched several monotheistic religions. I attended religious ceremonies. I realized it didnt matter the practice it was the people I didnt trust. I didnt see anything but selfishness in people. Unplanned, survival of the fittest selfishness. Emotion driven selfishness. I was already trying to shake that myself. Still am. This emotion driven life is all over the place and absolutely no fun lol.

So, has this journal/blog helped. Yes. Its open. Humbling. I read over entries know full well a whole ONE person may be reading and am still a bit embarrased by certain things but I'm happy to release it. The harm.. I dont think there is a harm but writing this with minimal feedback has shown me how much I need feedback on my spiritual journey and I cant expect friends who have not signed up to be 'spiritual friends' to join me. Its a bit egotistical and I get it now.

Its easy to confuse a call for help in the spiritual department as an egotistical push for attention. I really just projected a need on people who were not put here to guide me anywhere. I get it now.

*********** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day *************

Ah.. the ambition of it all LOL. I knew I would learn something but now Ive learned more than I ever imagined. Ive learned not what I want but what I need. Time to prayer for help finding a spiritual community big or small that does the above or what God knows I need. Im not meant to travel this journey alone. Thats what this challenge is teaching me.

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Ill keep you posted. And for the very few. Thanks for reading. Atleast if my baby asks one day who its mother was, those reading my thoughts in this journal/blog can have an answer from my rawest thoughts.

Love yall
Nana