Day 11 & 12.. Whew.. Back in the saddle

* me this morning 12/29/09... LOOK HOW BIG I AM !!! Im not even 6 months yet! LOL





Ok so its late and Im up. Let me say I am growing!!!!!!! LOLOLOL I KNOOOW its a beautifu journey and all yet I still feel like Im LARGE LOL. Not a bad thing just a fact on how it physically feels. People are so worried I think poorly of my physique. I dont. lol. It is just such a rapid drastic amazing change of your body contorting before your eyes every day. I will just say instead of "Im getting so big" .. " I am amazed by the changes in my body". Hows that :) Words are powerful.



Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
---Nyota Olugbala

OK my friends back to the challegne....

********** The Challenge: 365 Days Prayer and meditation twice a day ***************
Side note*** I realize I skipped writing about Day 6& 7. I did have excellent prayers and mediations on those days but only once on each cause I was getting sick and flirting with jumping off the challenge wagon LOL.

Soooooo, Im back in the saddle. My first full recovery day to prayer and meditation twice a day on Days 11 and 12.

Day 11 My prayer was good. Exposing. I like how honest I am in prayer. I had a build up of those other days. I see why muslims pray 5 times a day LOL. You need it LOL. I lie so far how I keep it simple and dont ramble like Im talking to my girlfriends. I seem to start with God, I would like help with this fear I have of ... and then somehow I naturally phase into a period of thanks for stuff. Meditation was excellent. I am developing an affinity for this technique I was shown of the Ohm sound. It helps me when I dont feel like putting on a CD of chants. Ofcourse people who chant get to the point where they chant themselves and know what they are saying but Im not there yet LOL so I guess the Ohm has worked out. When I watched the birthing movie "The Business of Being Born" I heard the women during labor and thats what it basically sounded like they were hitting. That low tone humming. One of my good friends allowed me to be a part of her natural water birth and it ... was ... beautiful. Out of no where women started singing ".. hooold ooon.. just a liitle while while longer..." over and over again. I , mean, it, was, beautiful. Anyway, I see these connections to singing and it really speaks to me. The only thing about Day 11 is I didnt feel well so my day ended with a reclining prayer and meditation. I still felt good about it but something in me said, "does it count? (lol) do I get a pregnancy pass for feeling bad? (lol)".

Day 12
Today. Today felt magical Ill tell you why. I really listened to my body and spirit and woke up to pray. I did. I was just bottled up with a few things and needed to express my fears. See them for what thy were. I was trying to pull down a few road blocks. A little confusion was playing out like a lot of confusion in my mind and luckily the prayer reminded me who was more powerful. I heard a friend say the other day that your relationship with God is like a partner dance on the floor (and this person wasnt even a salsa person). She said fighting letting God lead your life was like back leading on the dance floor. Its always much harder if you dont let the lead lead. You tussle and fight and no one has fun cause you are always afraid of what you are not controlling. I got it. It made since to me. I was constantly snatching my hands back from God, seeing God do dope moves and still questioning God's talent. The Creator has more moves than I can count ono the dancefloor and proved it every time. I get surprised like a naive child and then catch amnesia until the next tusseling go 'round. Hilarious, time wasting and true.

Anyhoo, I thought of that and began to really try to "surrender" on the dancefloor of life with God as my lead. I finally felt a "calm certainty" a loose freedom that honestly ( as corny as it seems) felt magical. The prayer went well. The meditation was also excellent. I ohm'd my way into a rinsed feeling and focused more on my breathing. I tried to take in more air. In the past the nausea made me breathe in a shallow way cause Id vomit if you thought about brushing past my stomach. Its nice now to breathe deep and it just be about breathing. I did and when I exhaled I hit up that Ohm. It was nice. I felt a little high at the end and I laid back down cause I needed it. Then I began the hussle of starting my day.

At night, tonight, I did the same and was able to dump this situation on the lap of my lead and pray my lead would wisk the nonsense OFF the dancefloor and bring me back to whats really real. People spreading fear and negativity have no power. They only attract those who want fear and negativity. I think thats false power but I needed that prayer to help me see that was the case in that particular situation. I also was reminded I cant control anyone and how they want to feel. I prayed to let people be negative if they want to be. I clearly have had my fair share of contributing to negative energy so I should not see myself as better than them. I prayed to release that and let me tell you it took a second. I would not have been able to get to sleep if I hadnt released it. In the past I would have just turned on the tv and try to block/bury it all out.

GARBAGE CONTENT MONITOR

I have decided to set up a "Garbage Content Monitor" to carry through out the day. Often 'garbage content' and garbage content exchanges can be egotistically seen as, "hmm Im adding my peaceful perspective to conversation that otherwise would have no balance.. ON FACEBOOK LOLOLOL" Yes I was enticed and jumped in with two feet on a video post that the comments focused on the negative plight of African Americn single women. I think I have a special passion and irritation for how hard people come down on single black women like being married comes with instant wisdom and a level of perfection that far surpasses the lowly single woman. Ridiculous. I was annoyed at some of the comments not because facts were skewed but because the tone was, as usual, so comfortably negative. Ok soo upon request I watched this video (typical dooms day report on the state of black folks), read the responses and .. sigh.. commented, then replied.. sprinkled a few ".. if you dont have anything nice to say keep it to yourself.." LOL so sad Nana.. why! LOL. It just went on from there. I realized 1) I was trying to find a way to point out peoples negativity (translation control thier perspective of African Americans) and 2) indirectly express my personal fear of people being mean to my future African American baby. (handled that one in the prayer)

I spent WAY more time on that 'garbage content' and fear filled exchange than I did talking to my baby today. The Garbage Content Monitor has now been activated. Whether Im "right" or "wrong" regarding the "debate" it was garbage cause it did not add to me nor my baby and the people I was engaging with could care less about the things I was passionate about regarding black folks. NOW I rememebr why I avoid those discussions LOL. Maybe I just neeed a reminder.

Like I said Garbage Content Monitor on. I must not take in more garbage than nourishing uplifting words in a day and I must transmit the postivity to my baby as well. Id love to maintain or just project an image of perfection to quiet the preachy people who constantly bombard me with ".. dont d this... and you are pregnant.. and dont do that ." The preachiness only speaks to my mind. If you want to pray with me and add positve words to my baby, the door is always open. This honesty Im typing is helping. Garbage shall never be greater than nourishment in a day. IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN LOLOL.

****************************************************************

**********************Preganacy Update************************

Sigh so....

Food.

The baby woke me up at 3am tnis morning. I tried to think hmm... maybe the baby doesnt want me to get up for food maybe I shoud lay here a while cause Im tired! LOL That didnt work. Nana got up. Nana is blogging while her food digests. I did get a wonderful package from a friend. A BEAN PIE left at the concierge. I felt the love Jabez was talking about. I am turning the corner. lol. Ah food. People keep asking me about cravings and honestly they arent that 'weird'. I did however today, shock myself and have barbeque potato chips ( an ongoing crowd favorite) with vanilla coconut ice cream. I guess Ive joined the weird bunch but Ill only blog about it. LOL

People.

Hmmm still working on balance with this one. I am being much more honest about stuff so its been different. As I was telling my friend Sharon I would always tell the truth .. if you asked me.. but by and large I really just wanted everyone to be happy and spent more energy pleasing folks than taking care of me. All my choice and fault. Ree said it right when she mentioned the pregnancy is activating a journey or transformation. I am finally not fighting it. I have surrendered and accepted seeing my flaws and blogging about them(still a punch in the gut). But, it seems to be shrinking the shame I have for my flaws. I still worry about being a fear driven mommy (my greastest worry) so Im hoping to improve on that with this challenge. My baby deserves my 100% effort. I now am focusing much more than ever before in my life on people who are giving and taking. Different sifting out the takers but Im definitely doing it.

My belly.
A funny story. A lady at a gathering recently walked in front of me (I did know her but we are not best buds by far) and while looking straight ahead and not at me she glided her hand past my stomach as if she was like a dude grazing your butt at a club and kept going. Hilarious and strange. Can I just say that has to be the weirdest thing that has happened to me since Ive been pregnant. Some women say give it up people will touch your belly with out asking and others say protect your belly. I was shocked. My mom would have chopped her hand away LOL Louisiana women (old school ones) dont like ANYONE touching the belly. She caught me off guard lol.

Cleaning house.
I put a call out requesting a few guy friends of Parris and I to come by tomorrow morning and help me lift items to move into storage and from storage into trash or give away. All four guys are coming. Im so thankful. See Jabez :) I do ask and I am very aware of the support. My butt just hurts from being dropped on it (lololol) by a few folks I thought would come after I called for help. Ill get more mature about. I think I need a few more prayers, meditations and blogs. lol. But the guys will get a good thank you breakfast out of it. Making room for the baby. Very glad to be cleaning house.

OK time for bed... as always thanks for reading and my deepest apologies for the typos LOLOL. I found out my sister in law reads my blogs and I am sooo happy cause I think she is fabulous and I want to find a way to be closer too her. Even if its just through me sharing on the blog. Thanks Brandy.

Leave a comment yall just say hi or something so I know atleast you are reading. :)

Night.. I mean morning.

Day 8, 9 and 10...So I had a cold

*chart of US ranking pretty badly in the list of infant mortality rates compared to other developed countries. this image references my preggy update below. Source: CDC








I am now realizing that last week, when I was feeling bad, I had a cold. I was feeling bad cause I had a cold mixed with the joys of pregnancy. Its all so confusing when the experience is new for you. The bliss of a baby in your belly is very very nice and the discomfort is highly underrated and under discussed. I guess cause every woman has a different experience, but still. Cramping, nose bleeds... sigh... I digress.

********* The challenge: 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day **********

Day 8, Friday, Christmas Day, I only prayed once in the morning. I was thankful for the day off from work to spend without major deadlines and chill with the hubby. It was a busy day filled with goooood food. I personally am not a big Christmas person but I am a big family person so I enjoyed getting together with folks. I was giddy about my little sister coming down so I looked forward to that but had to send of the hubby to Houston to grab the fabulous mother in law (not looking for points she really is fabulous). There was a lot of sugar that day and a little bit of salt but overall, a good day. Prayer would have helped a lot with the salt. It was nothing but a pile of confusion and fear about things not improving. What if the stuff you want to improve doesn't. What if what if what if... I should have prayed.

Day 9, Saturday, I slept most of the day kicking the last of the cold and pretty uncomfortable in general. Not one prayer nor meditation. Just a ride to the airport twice, a lip poked out saying bye to Parris and some ear to ear smiling seeing my cutie pie little sister at baggage claim. I wish all my sisters could have come but 'dats life'. I cant say I felt really bad. I think the time with my sister on Saturday gave me so much happiness like the 'instant gratification hound' I am I was satisfied and chose not to formally pray and meditate. I say that because the purpose of the challenge was to not just prayer when things are bad or momentarily good but as a discipline. I got a taste of sunshine and did not think twice about dumping the challenge. I'm not happy about it. But it happened.

Day 10, Sunday, again, woke up ready to spend the day with my sister. She's a grown woman indeed but I cant help still seeing both of my little sisters as 4 year olds. Even though in many ways they are more mature than me. It was so nice to just hang with her. Listen to her and hear what I can do to add to her life. I quickly was reminded this trip was for both of us. That night, actually throughout the day, I thought about my challenge. I honestly thought .. oh well I'm happy about my sister. Things aren't perfect but for the moment I'm happy. In my heart I knew that was not enough. I knew it was the typical temporary fix I get from people I care about that cant compare to the past sessions of prayer and meditation Ive had. It just cant compare. Its crazy cause, spending special time with people used to be the end all to be all. Well, that and dancing. I now know much better, but I don't know how to incorporate the two on a more regular basis. Guess I have my topic for my next prayer/meditation.

Not to mention, I am still clueless as to how to be peaceful at work all day. I surely need to pray for and meditate on that one. Leave it to work and co-workers to insite the need for prayer LOL.

Getting back on the challenge horse. Immediately. Today is Day 11. I will get my prayer and mediation on.

The journey. I read so much about it being about the journey so I wont beat up on myself for the last few days cause I clearly see a difference. I would not have known the difference if I hadn't slacked on the challenge. But I truly want a bit more peace and today I got quite irritated when I didn't get my way so I absolutely need to work on the EGO...(Erasing God Out) as Dr. Barbara would say. Prayer definitely has helped with reducing my elusive ego. How do I take care for myself without over indulging in myself? On day at a time I guess.. again Ill pray about it LOL.

Oh and my "talk less assignment" I received during meditation last week. I did use it randomly. It helped a lot. I need to keep that party going LOL.

A WORD ABOUT CONTENT

In one of my previous posts I talked about content or knowledge and how I needed to research/read more. I read some things in the past, talked to people and simply because of my surroundings I kept hearing "read the bible". Well before the challenge I started reading it. Genesis. I only got up to Abraham getting his "ham" extension and Lot and his daughters part EGHH! But I will begin again. And add my thoughts (like they matter but its nice to discuss).

I also read the basic info on Buddhism. I have thoughts. I'm gonna dedicate a section to content/knowledge/readings in this blog and if anyone ever wants to chat about it please let me know. The content will give me something to ponder other than my confusing daily activities. lol

Now... for comic relief mixed with some serious religious content I have been listening 2pm - 3pm to a daily talk radio show "Talk What Cha Know" on http://www.wbok1230am.com/. Its hosted from a Christian perspective but no comment/caller/topic has been off limits. It's out of New Orleans and let me tell you the callers are HILARIOUS! Some are serious but 50% of the time the callers are hilarious!!!!!! The content is pretty good too. Just a note.

****************************************************************************


*****************Pregnancy Update *******************************



Movies

So I recently, last night, saw the movie "The Business of Being Born". I already knew America was one of the WORST when it came to child birth complications and mortalities IN THE DEVELOPING COUNTRIES. Yes, ONE OF THE WORST. I not only saw a few documentaries prior to getting pregnant, but in the past but I took a sex ed class where I was re-educated on how poorly our birthing and infant mortality statistics are in this country. I highly recommend the movie and it has me wanting to give birth at home unless there are complications of course. But we are on the 16th floor in a high rise with an elevator that could give out at the wrong time so Ill be in the hospital. I just don't want the drugs at all. I'm sure at some point Ill want to delete this phrase on the blog but I want my process to be unaffected and NOT susceptible to the same errors that PUT the US on the list of the worst places to give birth. I doubt a hospital will let me go without any drugs and I cant give birth in the condo... so... the jury is out but Mama Nana will find an answer. That's for sure.

http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/

Emotions.

I'm a bit irritable in general today but I think its because the cold is making the general pregnancy issues a bit more aggravating. I'm definitely not experiencing the flu or anything but my fatigue level ain't no fun. Cant WAIT for Jeju! http://www.jejusauna.net

Food.

Sigh... the same. I'm going to find my Doula soon. I'm tired of guessing and making random phone calls. I need a bit of regular, formal support. Clearly free styling alone in Atlanta is not getting it.

I do need to get some Alkaline water. Soon.

The Baby.

This baby is turning into a regular kicking and squirming machine. All this energy is great. Keeps me up but its great. Kick away so I know you are still with me little one.

People.

Sigh. Prayer and meditation makes this part a lot easier. I'm realizing so much now how imbalanced some of my friendships have been. I love giving but I see now that in some cases it was primarily one sided.

I am surely refining my priorities list quicker these days. A whole new world lately for me. Very different. This is truly a rites of passage experience with NO ELDERS around to guide me. LOL. No fair, but at least Ill be here for my daughter one day.

I can say this reminds me also of when I got married. For some reason it didn't matter what I said some friends disappeared, completely. I still called repeatedly but I learned then painfully that when my life changes some people change how they deal with you. And there's nothing you can do about it. People can bounce for many reasons but I guess no one can take away prayer and meditation.

Body.

This muscles in your stomach stretching out thing causes pain. Somethig else that is rarely mentioned. I don't like it LOL. The baby's growth spurts are my BELLY growth spurts LOL. funny what you don't put together fully until its your turn. I have no idea why I didnt think Id feel this ENTIRE process to this extent. Most women who have gone through this already are so unimpressed by my

The other thing is, all these physical changes are reminding me everyday this is my own singular journey. People staring and grabbing my stomach without asking (still annoying)
is just something I have to deal with alone. Just like those BLESSED labor pains in route. LOL

In the video I really liked them speaking about "the wall" or the rock and a hard place. The point during labor every woman apparently reaches that she realizes

1. it hurts too much to push
and..
2. if I don't push Ill be pregnant even longer

She says its then that you bear down and become who you always have been.

They speak about it as just as hard as it seems but a moment in a woman's life when she learns how powerful she really is. The midwife also talks about missing that doesn't make you less of a woman at all. I feel like some emotional and relationship challenges feel that way.
Pushing through pain in LIFE is hard.. if you want to grow and deliver a new situation.

Its so sad some of us don't have a more ingrained network of women or men to support and guide us through life like "in the old days". Nothing is EVER perfect so I know the "old days" weren't perfect. But I really wish we could take the good from the past and help each other out more. I think I'm gonna do some research.

Creating a sense of comfort from nothing can sometimes feel damn near impossible. But I'm learning its not impossible it just FEEEEEEELS that way Sighhhhhh. There is so much I was never taught that I had to learn on my own but that movie inspired me to believe a little more in myself. I can do this.

Day 5... 1st incompletion of challenge

*mmm I made this last night and it put a smile on my face

Day 5. Tuesday Dec 23rd. The challenge of prayer and mediation twice a day only .. only ½ done for the first time. Its 2am and I cant sleep. I don’t feel well. I can’t tell anymore what it is. My body is doing 27 things all at once and I cant event figure out whats going on LOL. Headache, definitely, I know I hugged a co-work that had a cold. What was I thinking.

Well, I had my first day not completing the challenge. I only did half a day. The challenge is 365 days of prayer and mediation twice a day. I woke up in the morning and was really tired. (So bored with typing that lol) I shuffled around until I was barely ready for work. If Parris would not have helped me make lunch and breakfast I would have walked right out unprepared gearing up to spend unnecessary money.

So far doing activities after work really drain me. ANY activity. The fatigue seems to put me right back into limited activity but nothing compares to the frustration of bedrest (lol).

The holiday visit rounds are coming and the talk of Christmas, its origins etc have begun. But first my half accomplishment of the challenge.

***************** Prayer & Meditation****************

In the morning I just was tired and didnt pray at all. I thought to myself, "Im tired. What will happen REALLY if I just dragged myself to work sleepy. I went to work as normal and had an ok day. I drove around like a lost puppy after work trying to figure out dinner and I ended up at Whole Foods or “Whole Paycheck” as my friends and I call it. I knew what I had a taste for and it was that picture up above. Pan fried French bread in olive oil and butter with grilled tomatoes shrimp onions and orange peppers and a little marinara sauce. It was my first time experimenting on a new dish in a while and yes, I saw it on the movie, it was delicious. Parris and I had dinner and sat together. A long day really requires a good meal at the end and a calm moment. It was really nice. I was so tired I conked out.

The day almost passed but I woke up late in the night to wake up from feeling bad. I think I really had junk that I needed to talk out. It was on me and feeling bad late at night triggered the need. My stomach must be having a growth spurt or I just need to sleep a bit. I looked at Parris and like often decided not to wake him and take my path of womanhood alone that night (lol). I figured Id save up for when I’m really large. It is hard to see him sleeping like a Nyquil commercial but I pried myself up and began my normal inhouse shuffle of feet trying to come up with an answer. I looked to my left in the living room and wanted to see my great grandmother. I wanted her to tell me how to feel better so I could get some sleep. My lip poked out as if it was really possible and fussing to myself I caved and decided to pray. I have no idea why I chose to fight it. I think its basic lack of belief in its benefits. I sat and talked to God. I was honest. I sorted it out and yapped and cried and said thank you. I heard myself say things that weren’t ok. I talked and talked. I started to hear more balance. My frustration with the physical discomfort was clouding my vision and memory. The prayer helped me remember the whole picture. The full story. I felt better and thought I heard someone say “you are ok”. I was. Then I meditated. It started off more like a mental prayer and so I shifted so I could receive. I did and got a message to talk less in these next days. Its amazing the energy talking takes from you. I definitely got that message and will oblige. Lucky I have this blog that not many read LOL to express myself.

******** Pregnancy Update ******************

People.

I am beginning to feel like a stuffed show pony. Peoples eyes gloss over and they don’t see a person they see a pregnant person. Not those close to me but ‘associates’. They want to touch your belly. That’s it. Like your belly is some sort of portal to happiness you are keeping from them. I feel really hypocritical because I was one of those greedy selfish people. My eyes glossed over and I completely ignored the woman and focused straight on the miracle of a whole new person with no issues no judgement no fear no hate and extrememly close to God within my arms reach. I however had the common courtesy to not touch… sigh… What do you do when you live in a society where everyone plays by different rules. You become a RULER LOL… no really. I loved wizzing by too fast for folks to break any rules but no.... now people come out of the woodworks and forwardly impress what they think is ok in you. So, I am getting much better with smiling and saying “please keep your greedy stinking hands to yourself” hahahaha. Just Kidding but I am getting better at setting boundaries. My mama protectiveness has definitely kicked in big time,

Baby.

This baby is very special. Im sure every mom thinks this. Its amazing the character you feel in their kicking and punching. It’s the first experience of knowing you have absolutely no control over this little being lol. It has its own life and own ideas. "What Anana... too sleepy to get up and fix a three course meal? "Pfff , the baby says "get your butt up and make it happen mama" through its psychic control and swift kicks lolol. I feel like Im in an old Star Trek episode being led by mind control by a wonderful being I don’t even see LOL. I used to love Star Trek.

My Body.

What can I say.. God is no joke. Its amazing how your body changes. Before the only changes I had was an uncomfortable pelvis and a standard of vomiting that could make you think it was something Id been doing for years. Now, well lets just say these wonderfully visible (and Im being sarcastic cause I miss my ability to blend in) I have expanded more than I ever thought possible. He signs for what is weird is considered normal. Other pregnancy veterans look at my little issues I have now like, “Girl please” lol not very comforting so I try to take the changes with the grace of everyone else. I don’t think its working. LOL.

Food.

I have no idea what Im doing. But I can tell you I’m hungry as I type. Yep, baby kicking,. 2:51am and this vintage Star Trek girl is following orders, heading to the stove. Have a great day!

Content Matters Days 3, 4 and 4.5

*my mother, me and my older sister

So I have successfully completed 4 FULL days of the challenge and trust me, it has not been easy. As a reminder I am praying and meditating twice a day for 365 days. I didn't want to stress myself out so there are no stipulations as to when or how just to do it. I explained in earlier blogs my background and how I have no stable history of spiritual or religious practice but I wanted to create something for myself as Nana first then as a mother and then for my baby. I wanted to have something to say other than God exists and loves us more than we love ourselves more often than not. My only stipulation is to be honest in these journals/blogs. Now, honestly speaking I still don't feel fabulous about the process. Not in the least bit. Not only do I get to read over my constant typo's as I attempt to complete blogs between work, eating sleeping and daily life stuff but I also get the delightful treat of honesty. Yes that wonderful experience of seeing the truth of who you are thrown back at you like a punch to the gut. Gasping for air I step out of myself and imagine others watching me do it and its not pretty. But I tell you I'm learning with this barbaric and enlightening experience that content matters.

*************** The Challenge Day 3 & 4 *****************

On day 3, I fell into the TV watching first habit. I felt sick that Sunday morning and completely reverted to the bed rest behavior of trying to ignore feeling physically horrible. I learned on day three that when I feel physically bad I completely fall apart spiritually. I remember thinking during the height of the nausea and vomiting that God wasn't stronger than pregnancy nausea. HORRIBLE I KNOW. But I honestly thought that. I could not see past that feeling. I felt like I had poison in my veins. Sounds extreme I know but I felt just that bad. Sunday I didn't regress that much but just a hint of feeling bad and apparently I'm programmed to run to the TV. Well I waited and laid and waited and considered drugs (nausea medication) and laid and chatted with a few friends until I got a text from my friend whose father was in the hospital asking for prayer. I took it as a sign. I got right up, turned off the TV and prayer for her dad then starting my daily obligation to myself and you. I did feel a little better afterwards but most of all I felt a motivation to get my day started whether I felt sick or not. So I did.

The end of the third day I got home late again and almost didn't make but did my first sleepy and groggy prayer and meditation, then knocked out.

Day 4 was the same, I chose to turn on the TV first instead of praying. I think the lack of formal pressure to "order" the challenge gave me some freedom. I liked it. But I knew I always felt better when I prayed first. Its amazing how it feels like a long time during the prayer and meditation but when you arise not much time has passed.

I spent the day going to the doctors and feeling this little person in my belly kick and punch as if it was in some triathlon competition. I could not figure out what in the world it could be doing that inspired so much kicking LOL. The doctor put in her guess for a boy based on the fact she had to chase my little one around my belly like it was a four bedroom house or something just to get the heartbeat. She said girls are much calmer than that and that boys are definitely more active. All I could think about was dance class and sports practice.

When I arrived at work, still sleepy as usual, I found myself thinking a lot about my baby and its life. I realized that I was developing a fear of other people judging my child for various reasons. His/hers looks, behavior, parents, beliefs etc. I wondered why I was so sure the baby would be judged. Why I had recently become so instantly prepared for the negative. In the past I knew the negative was there but it wasn't my first choice. After feeling forgotten I seem to have a darker perspective of people than before and I need to get rid of it as my primary thought. I could care less if you had a nasty attitude before and now I feel most people have it hidden and when you most need them they may not be there. Its almost ridiculous cause simultaneously I had people come through who I was so happy did and some I had no idea cared that much. Why do we primarily remember the bad? Why do we primarily react to the bad. Why do we believe the bad more than the good?

I'm perplexed these days. I came out of the position f truly needing help feeling more vulnerable than when I really needed the help. I know people have good in them, but how to you keep from getting hurt? How do you protect yourself. I used to think I was a good judge of character but this past experience has taught me I may be a good judge of character but I still know not a dog on thing about people. I now know why some folks don't share one drop of information about themselves. Why they withdraw or take 20yrs to open up to people. I guess that's why people liked Jesus so much because the bad that happened to him (as the story is written) didn't harden his heart. He did not withdraw and only see bad in people. Bad things have happened to me and I have not withdrawn as much as I wanted to withdraw this time. Not sure why.

I prayed and meditated this morning, the first half of day 5. I figured something out. It seems simple but I have learned that content matters. I prayed this morning and out of no where my favorite poem came to mind, "Our Deepest Fear".

I recited it from memory and it really helped to ground my prayer. I thought I was afraid to trust people and friends again but I really learned from that prayer I trusted them too much. We are all flawed. Definitely me. Why should I place so much in other people when the only perfect Ive found so far is the grace of God through experiences channeled by the same flawed people at moments, only moments in life. There is nothing constant and sure about any of us. In my prayer I realized we all feel fear. I need a bit more compassion and forgiveness for people. That's what I learned from my prayer and mediation this morning.

*****************************************************************************

The content of my prayer needs to now involve more. I have no idea what that will be. I need to re institute the research I started before I got pregnant on Christianity, Buddhism, Islam and so on. Do I even need to choose a religion? Who knows. So many people are freestyling but I just want to be held accountable and notice my own growth. I need more information to build more content to my character and to my prayer/meditation challenge. To learn more about how I should be absorbing people. How far to take them in, when and how to protect myself. I have no idea how. I have two ways of living so far, loving 100% or withdrawing 100%. I know that wont work. I need to find a happy medium that doesn't involve so much fear.

This darn challenge is making me too honest LOL. Is that possible. I do want balance. I don't want to be 100% in or 100% out. I am feeling 100% into this challenge and hopefully one day I can feel worthy enough, have the content of character to be 100% into the Creator.

I feel the content of the Creator, in my mind heart and body at least, when I dance, feel the baby kick, see the strength of my sisters, remember the sacrifice my father made, listen to a musicians loose themselves, watch an artist paint, am forgiven when I didn't deserve it, forgive truly someone who who care less if I forgave them or hear my nieces and nephews laugh. I know its there. I just need more of a relationship with it.

Content Content Content. Now I know why there is religion. People want to control content cause content shapes your journey. I guess another word is knowledge.

Sigh, well I have 361.5 days to go. I pray I will absorb some content that helps to balance me, my baby and add to my family.

I'm quite sure I rambled this time. Thanks for be so kind as to read and comment. It really means a lot.

Calmly,

Nana

********** Pregnancy Update ************

Baby.

This baby is very very active. If you push out your tongue to your cheek semi-fast, that's what it feels like in my tummy when the baby kicks. Sometimes fast sometimes slow. I am treasuring every second of it. I wish I had an ultrasound machine in my house Id watch it every day.

Saw the doctor yesterday and got the "OK" on movie theater noise levels AND spinning when I salsa. She said it doesn't hurt the baby at all. I'm soooooo glad. Off to the dance I go!

Food.

I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing regarding food but I know I need more veggies. I'm getting better with balancing my meals though. I used to eat to play it safe with my stomach so Id get something in there. But now I need to eat more healthy since the baby is accepting more stuff.

People.

People want to touch my stomach. A lot! I remember wanting to touch preggy bellies but asking first. Why do people feel its ok to just grab at you. So different. This one lady did it so I grabbed her stomach and played with it too. It didnt go over too well. LOL but I made my point.

Marriage.

Marriage feels different now. You hear people talk about change. Some people talk about it with arrogance. Some people talk about it with a sense of "misery loves company", and others talk about it as it being just as beautiful as the love you feel now not better not greater just with more depth. I really think ( and they hubby is in agreement) that marriage is so much work it should be called labor. Cause the pain is 100% a part of it. But now that the baby is coming, the big push I had been preaching about "family perspective" and connecting with family is now coming to reality. Funny how you learn in marriage its not about you being right but about the end result finally happening. Im sure we havent begun to brush the tip of the iceberg but Im glad there are people not just watching us like a tv show to entertain them. Im glad there are people who want to a part of our family and care enough to remember this is brand new for us and it take a village to raise a child and a marriage. I can only hope they see it that way.

Work.

I'm just glad I dont know whats around every corner and have started praying cause being forced to be around people you would never hang out with .... need I finish? LOL

The Poem

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Big Smiles - Day 2

*Me and my little sister. I cant wait til she comes.

I did it! Yesterday night I made it home about 10:30ish and these days thats like 3am for me. Parris and I received a great gift from our from Mawuli and his wife, shook our butts to some old school, then came home. I defintiely scared a few folks as I wiggled through "...LL Cool J is hard as **** .... battle anybody I dont care you **** I ex**** they all **** .... Rock tha bells!". I was too happy to be dancing even though it was just a little.

As I rode home in the car I thought again, what in the world ( ;) was I thinking???????? I am tooo tired to pray AND meditate. What am I gonna write about.. " Its day 1 ya'll and I only prayed and meditated ONCE..sigh pathetic".

So, I got home and had a wonderful excuse NOT to do it. We had an unexpected guest. We all chatted and as 11pm approached I excused my sleepy self to pee for the 100th time in the day, and I made my way to to he bedroom to yes.. pray and meditate. A BED! 10:45pm! A baby in my belly.. that all equaled sleep to me. How was I not going to drift off? Well, I closed my bedroom door, sat on the bed, crossed my legs, bowed my head and talked to God. I still felt timid but I opened my mouth sooner this time. I remembered I wanted to express my fears. I felt really good getting them off my chest so I did it again. It flowed. I was still so surprised at how much I was afriad of. Yet, even though I seemed to be such a yellow tail, I also was equally thankful for those who put up with my confused behind. I thanked God for the people who see right through me and still allow me to grow and screw up on my own. I apologized and asked for forgiveness for people Ive hurt. Crazy thing is I was so hurt about people not visiting me when I was down for so long that as usual I forgot about the people I have hurt. I hope they forgive me. I asked for forgiveness.

I thanked God too for the super fabulous blessing of my little sister surprising me to come down. She quite often makes me feel like the little sister. Her wisdom was shaped by experiences that were too harsh for her but I am the benefactor of the product.. her strength and wisdom. I love her so much and my heart feels saved by her visit. I truely was engrossed in my prayer by then. I didnt fall asleep. Wasnt even close to sleepy just thinking about how much I loved my sister and appreciate her for coming to spend a week with me. I needed it so bad.

After the prayer I meditated. I thought about my friend Jabez's statement about the body adjusting so I was a bit more patient with myself. I sat and breathed. It was nice. I felt humbled. Somehow through all my whinning and crying, again, as usual, I was about to be the recipient of some grace and it was being brought by someone I should be taking care of. But she was coming to take care of me. I sat in quiet aw of my little sisters selfless act.

The next day, that would be today, I woke up calmer. I was just tooo happy to have prayed and meditate TWICE in one day. I can honestly say that never in my life have I ever done that. Without sounding corny I just would like to say I felt like the affects were near instant. I felt calmer. Not like things were cured, but I felt more balanced. More whole. Like I was flawed and graced at the same time in stead of just flawed.

I woke up and prayed and meditated on day 2, today, this morning. It was nice. Again, I tried to not shy away from the honesty and fears. Then I meditated. Usually once I wake up Im up. My mind races. It could be 5am but Im up. Thats good when you are running yourself in the ground working on 30projects trying to forget things that make you feel bad instead of facing them. But today I faced somethings that made me feel bad. I prayed. I cried. I meditated. And... I went back to sleep. Phenominal.

Its the close of Day 2 and I just saw Avatar. It was good if you like sci fi .. I do. Again I thought Id come back and be ready for bed but .... I prayed and meditated. I must admit I did not go too deep into my fears but I did spend time being thankful. It was an excellent day today. I did what I could, and it was enough.

Reading over the last few blogs I did feel exposed but not in a bad way. I read the blogs and the grandmother in me wanted to give me a hug. I feel and felt a since of ..patience and compassion for myself I didnt feel before blogging. Strange. Friends knowing I have fears and struggles felt somehow weird cause I cant say we all talk about them. Not that we need to but.. I dunno. I do know however that this feels far much better than before. Holding it in. That wasnt working.

This feels so much better. Thanks again for letting me know you are reading by commenting. It means more than you know to know Im not walking the journey completely alone.

Thanks,

Nana

***********Preganancy Update ****************

I feel.

Bigger.. LOL and BIGGER lololol

Questionning.

Im worried the movie theater decible levels are too loud for the baby. I wrap my belly in my coat lol. I have an appt soon so Ill ask the doctor.

Happily.

I wore heels today! :) woo hoo balance was different but I felt gooood. Its not everyday but it was today. AND I did'nt throw up today.

Craving.

Vanilla Pecan "Ice Cream". Came home to pray first but I will have some tomorrow mmmmmmmmmmm

Baby.

Kicking away. My mom now switched her guess from a girl to a boy. Fromthe "size" of the head she says on the ultrasound, she thinks its a boy now LOL. I cant wait to see in May.

Daddy.

Daddy Parris took me on a date last week and I hadnt had one in MONTHS!!! So I took him out tonight. I was happy he was happy. I did so much by himself to take care of me it I wanted to say thank you. I wish I had more of my family here so it didnt have to fall so much on him but I did have a few friends who came through. Thank ya'll.

Good night. :)

Day 1... What was I thinking

What the h#$@ was I thinking?
*picture is my day 1 challenge location

Ok no cursing. Even the fake kind. Last time (laughing) So, I woke up
this morning and my arms were sore for some reason. I’m having an
ongoing battle with potential dehydration looming over my head so with every tingle I’m fearing that IV needle. As a result I woke up decided to drink my coconut water (was told by many it was high in natural electrolytes) to hydrate me about 6am. I sat and began my sadly usual routine of…yes… turning on the TV.

Yes the TV has been my escapist activity cemented during bed rest from my list of things to do. I rented a few movies that made the baby laugh at me because I dozed of early during each of them the day before. Usually I wake up early to attempt to make up for my lost entertainment life. इ finished the movie (Julie & Julia my inspiration for the blog) and as it ended the rolling credits
reminded me.. “you have to start your day, no more time to avoid stuff…”। I was tired. Prenatal pill. Food. I am always tired these days and I am NOT getting used to it (laughing on the inside… ok not
really).

THEN… it HIT ME! OH!......The CHALLENGE!! .. I slapped my forehead like a cartoon character as my mind raced.

********************* Day 1 – The prayer **********************

“OK prayer hmm.. don’t screw up the first day of the challenge (laughing).. not a good sign.. ….you’ve done it before Anana. Mainly when times are really bad or really good.. but how should I do it this
time since I have to write about it too?” Well it made no difference. I had the same confusion I always do. How should I sit? Should I kneel like Muslims, wait Christians kneel too, right? This belly will definitely get in the way. Ok let me just do what I’ve done before and sit on my butt with a big pillow (thanks to my mother-in-law), legs crossed. Now, if I meditate should be positioned differently than when I pray so I know the difference ‘cause clearly God knows the difference. Sigh.. the silly little thoughts that race through my head are quite embarrassing to actually type, but its the truth. The confusing worrying thoughts didn’t stop there.

How should I start… “God… wait no…” ok should I bow if don’t bow my head will God think I have no respect for the process. Ok maybe head bowed, its prayer and back straight head up its meditation. I just laugh at myself as I type. But that’s what I thought.

What was I thinking? Why THIS challenge? Why write about it and TWICE.. TWICE a day.. sigh. How can I put myself through praying and meditating twice a day for a YEAR! YES I need it. Yes the baby deserves it. But what if I fail? Does that mean I suck as a mother? Logic and friends voices say “no just keep trying”. I still am not sure, but Ill keep trying.

It is a bit embarrassing to not have a set routine for prayer. Not having a set regimen from my youth makes you imagine everyone else having it alllllll laid out for them.No confusion. No uncomfortable
sessions. They may stray but at least they have a frame of reference. I got a bit discouraged.

Then the baby kicked. I wish I made it up but I’m not that creative of a writer. I got the message little one, “Chill out mama, we can do this” ।

I thought of all the great advice Id received over the years from my great-grandmother to my spiritual mentors and friends. None of them know each other, different religions, difference practices and they all said something similar. God knows your heart, be honest talk about what’s in your heart. Your mind will race on forever, your heart is anchoring you. Be honest. Be humble.

This blog/journal was on my mind and my heart. The baby was on my mind and in my heart. I began to tear up. It was uncomfortable. I shifted my position . I wanted to get up and change my mind. The baby kicked again (once again, I’m not that creative.. the baby really kicked). I thought “I’m terrified of screwing up my child’s life..” I decided to speak out loud so I could focus. To a lit candle facing the balcony and rising sun, eyes opened, I told God I was scared and that I wish I
started this challenge a long time ago.

Then, it got easier. After voicing my fears I said thank you, for a lot of things. The baby’s health, Parris, our parents, friends. Our income and skill sets.. I kept going. My muscles began to relax and my jaw became less tense. I looked down at the baby and was so glad थेbaby got to feel me relax.
When I was done with the prayer I was calmer. I still was concerned but less fearful, at least for that moment. It was good.

************************ The Meditation **********************
Time for the meditation. They say prayer is you talking and meditation is you listening.

I decided to sit still. While I sat I thought about my aunt who has leukemia and is in the hospital now. She has to stay in Texas for the medical care and we all “have to” stay where we are. She has my other aunt with her but she has to be lonely and missing that group family energy. I really am having a rough time accepting how separate we all are. I thought about Buddhism and how it deals with suffering and how much a hate to think about it.

Submitting to the fact that my thoughts wouldn’t stop I got up and turned on these chants my friend provided me with. They helped me chill out with my thoughts.

I called my aunt when I was done.

********************************************************************

I was done. ½ of the challenge complete. I bent over to the side and really felt this belly as I tried to get up. I felt like I had a book bag strapped to the front of me as I tried to get up. This will be harder the bigger I get. But I’m gonna try to stay optimistic about the challenge. What was I thinking? I guess this is how you grow by doing something harder than you are used to until it isn’t hard anymore.

I just have to do this one more time today.. sigh.. beneficial.. yes… easy.. no.

Wish me luck and tell me about you. Its nice to not travel on a journey alone.

As a note, I hope more folks leave comments. It’s the only way I know you stopped by. I lit up getting emails calls and comments from people I care a lot about saying they read my thoughts. It kept making my day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nana

************* Pregnancy Update **************

How I’m feeling today?
I feel bigger. like my stomach is bigger. Its poking out farther.
People stare at it LOL. Its kind of weird because everyday I look down
and see more and more BELLY! LOL It will soon be time for a new coat.

The baby.
I keep thinking Im squishing the baby so I’m just trusting the doctor
friends and family that I’m not LOL

Food.
My friend Randall from Howard had Parris and I over for dinner and I was in hog
heaven. 1. I didnt have to cook 2. I didn t have to clean up
afterwards 3. My hubby got to eat good and spend time with a dear
friend 4. I didn’t have to wash dishes 5. I didn’t have to wash dishes
6. I got to bring home leftovers for lunch and ofcourse… 7. I didn’t
have to wash dishes (laughing). Thank you Randall.. so very much.

Emotions.
I cry easily these days. I feel quite sensitive. Can’t seem to change
it. The other day I heard a neighbor say, “ I don’t need to see the
movie Precious. She’s ugly so she’ll never get out of the ghetto. I
already know the ending no need to watch the movie.” I couldn’t
believe it. It was two days ago and I never forgot it. It made me so
sad. We can be so cruel. It reminded me that it doesn’t matter what I
do. This world may not be kind to my child if its not the popular
thing to do. Oh well.. we will get the baby ready.

Cravings.
I had my Midnight Express cake and it was fabulous. But I am craving
more raw fruit and stuff. Mainly tangerines and oranges. The bean pies
are still strong and Im so thankful for those who have brought those
bean pies I ATE ALL of it. :)

Daddy
Its been an honor watching Parris grow into daddy mode. He’s
definitely a loving treat to have around. We both have had major
challenges and I like seeing him develop a completely different
relationship with my belly. So different. So nice.

Leave your thoughts.

The Set Up

Hey there! Welcome to Mama Nana Jazz!

I don't really "blog", which is how most people that turn into raving addicts begin their careers, but I felt this would be a great way to share a little more of myself with others and hold myself accountable for some of the changes I want to make in my life.

In these days, in some parts of this country called USA, we have become so separate from each other. We buy a plane ticket or hop on facebook, send an email or a text and somehow that has to suffice. Well, in my heart I knew that wouldn't do for me.

I'm 5 months pregnant to the day (so the doctors office and their 'pregnancy calendar' says) and I tell you plane tickets, short visits and text messages did not cut it in months 1 - 5 of this pregnancy.

Part of me is submitting to the current scenario of the modern world, and I'm blogging. The other part needs help being a mother, a woman and a person that brings good and not fear into the world. Because quite honestly after 5 months of a rough start... I'm afraid.

Yep. I am afraid of my child thinking the computer is their family. We all have the power to change our environment and lives but I want to make healthy changes so, I have set a goal I have never had a better motivation for, I will challenge myself to pray/mediate twice a day for 365 days while facing my daily happenings.

This blog will help me keep in touch with you and can be a great way to hold myself accountable.

If you don't want to know about my spiritual background you can scroll down past this area and get to the challenge....

************** Brief Spiritual Background ***************

The one consistent, intangible positive beautiful joyous God fueled connection I remember was through Jazz. My father was honest about what he knew about God. He told me God exists. He also told me that one day I would have to find my own way. Then, he would put on Miles Davis Seven Steps to Heaven and make my brother and I think about why it could be called that and we'd all talk about it. Or, Daddy would take us to art shows and allow us to dream, imagine and feel. We made up songs during Kwanzaa and on Sundays, daddy would take us to church, but he didn't go in himself. He said church was a key institution in the black community that helped many people and that without it and God, black people in the US would not be where we are today. He also said after being raised Church of God and Christ he had had enough church (8 days a week according to him) to outlast anyone. He had practiced Islam for a while but we were so young. In our house, the health of black people mattered and being true to yourself without discriminating mattered. We were considered a Pan-Africanist household in our early years and being a thoughtful kind person was just as important as being knowledgeable. One day, daddy and I were walking and an ant crawled across our path. I made its way by but I decided to let go of daddy's hand then stretch my leg almost into the grass just to crush that ant. My dad grabbed my hand and said, "Anana, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna step on the ant daddy", I said cluing him in.
He took my hand and continued walking while saying looking directly in my eyes, "You should never go out of your way to kill another living creature."

I never forgot that.

Other than my father teaching us about quality of a character to learn a path for ourselves, the gifts he gave us were the knowledge of God, the historical relevance structure and social use of church and the beautiful ocean of the arts through Jazz, paintings, dance ... the arts.. so divine in its creative core.

I now know I need more but this was where I started.

*************************BACK TO THE CHALLENGE********************

So, back to the challenge... I did not start today, but I will start tomorrow.

Mama Nana Jazz
A tiny clue, still confused but thankful for the bliss of cultural arts

Challenge: Pray/Meditate Twice A Day for 365 Days
Goal: Blog/Journal honestly about the journey
Content: Honest spiritual, mental health through the arts and prayer while dealing with people and researching life

*************************** Pregnancy Side Notes ************************

Ok this is my first baby. These are the MOST frequently asked questions.

Due Date: May 8th or when God and the baby are ready
Sex: waiting until the day of
Name: Will take the baby home first and do a naming ceremony
Cravings: So far bean pies and any kind of potatoes, nothing tv lad weird though.. yet
Delivery: We will start natural and see how it goes LOL I don't want to but who knows LOL. I definitely DO NOT want a C-Section at all costs. Only if the baby is in danger.
Doula: Need one.
Greatest Difficulty So Far: Meals. Scared to reintroduce what made me puke before. I am exhausted from cooking and I KNOW I'm not getting it completely right. Definitely taking the prenatals. Accepting 100% meals from folks. Saves time and energy.


1st Trimester: Horribly sick. Couldn't keep down liquids for some reason. Lost lots of weight. Migraines. Dehydration. Hospital visit for IV. Bed rest (bout went crazy).

*********** WHY I AM STARTING THIS CHALLENGE **************
That first trimester taught me I needed family. Not social associates(which are nice) but family. My husband held it down but was busy taking care of everything. I missed being sat with, interacting with people. Everyone had a life to live. They were rightfully busy. I had some very special friends cook a meal every now and then, bring a pie, sit and talk with me. I squinted my eyes through conversations from pain and the sun like some vampire. I couldn't fake a smile if I tried. I wanted my great grandmother, grandmother and mother all at once, but I didn't have any of them. Just that couch with a red slip cover telling me to stop shedding dead dehydrated skin all over it day in and day out. Gross.. I know. For three months I didn't dance, I didn't socialize, I sat then laid then sat in a one bedroom condo. Staring at unfinished projects too tired and sick to get up and clean. Worrying about the baby. Wondering why I chose to live so far away from the people who would visit me and help take care of me. My friends who yanked themselves from a busy schedule and behaved like family became saving graces on horrible days. The hospital visit was scary but like my family I joked through it to deflect my fear. I thought about women before me who went through much worse. I felt like a wimp. I big fat baby wuss weakling wimp who was fumbling, trying not to yank out the IV racing (in my head only) to the hospital bathroom. Yes the hospital. My hats off to those stronger than me who endure hospital stays much longer and with much better grace. I was so dehydrated I lost 5lbs in a week. Nothing was absorbing. No food. No liquids. To the hospital I went. My deep fear of needles brought tears to my eyes as the nurse tried a second vein a second time. I was embarrassed cause my friends watched as my hubby held my hand. It was over. I was glad. My friends left. My husband left. I fell asleep with my little IV arm fearfully placed on a pillow. I prayed quietly it would not come out in my sleep.

Then, the very thing I am try to de-centralize in my life brought me company. Facebook. I logged on at 3:30am in a Crawford Long Hospital bed (thanks to my hubby for setting it up) looking for conversation to curb the fear and loneliness and there they were... friends/associates/relief/kindness/concern/conversation.. up late/ or is that early.. they talked to me. I was thankful. I have always believed that even if someone is not your best friend in the whole world, that doesn't mean they don't have a priceless piece of warmth for you and I for them. Thank you all everyone who called, texted, emailed, prayed for, cooked, visited with and without invitation to check on and care about me. I truly needed it and am truly thankful for it.

Now that I am feeling much better I know the lesson of the first trimester really just highlighted my lack of a spiritual regimen. I was lost and scared. My husbands kind optimistic spirit... visits from friends while in the hospital and out became life lines... now I need 365 days to create my own lifeline to God. I still feel like a weakling and ill equipped for such an ambitious challenge (for me at least it is). With a limited religious background I thought I would take the journey so as I become a mother, I can own the responsibility of my own life and spiritual health, keep the good of my past and create new habits so I can take the blessings my dad and others did give me and add to them.

Thanks for reading. This is really helping.

:) Mama Nana Jazz

P.S. Please forgive the typos. I do need to polish up my writing etiquette. The excuse that "I'm not a real writer" wont last past your irritation trying to translate instead of read. I promise I'll work on it.

TODAYS CRAVING: Fresh Juice with pulp. Orange or Tangerine and a slice of Midnight Express Chocolate Mousse Cake from Apres Diem.