Who loves him. I do. Born 5/5/10 6:30pm
The story of his transition is one I will type later but Im up and should be sleeping since he has blessed us with a straight sleep of 1am - now 6am. A full 5 hours. We are blessed.
I cant sleep becqause we are naming him today and lots of people (more than I'd like) are coming over to hear his name.
This is a family naming ceremony not a spiritual one so we the parents are in charge.
I feel different but the same. I thought I would become more intense and bolt at the sign of strife around my child but so far the only major strife is the healing I need surroundnig these stitches as a resukt of an emergnecy c-section. Yes emergency. Painful and long story Ill type out later.
My husbands mom is here helping and my day are spent happily responding to the needs ofo an 11 day old newborn. My joy. My heart is full of everthing for him. Hope love joy. I want to cry everytime I see him. Tears of joy of course and releif Imade it through a ro9ugh pregnancy.
A pregnancy that taught me what real friends and family were. What it means for me to have compassion for others even when Im at my lowest. A pregnancy that taught me I have the balls of a dinosaur when I need to pull them out. A pregnanxy that showed me God hasnt forgetten about me and is also with my son. The miracle that had two cords wrapped around his neck.
I have very little small talk for folks these days. I feel full and heavy with emotion. Some of it I need to rinse out as a result of a traumatic and lonely bithing experience. I love my close friends for yanking me out of the lonely feeling every now and then. I wanna cry as I type thinking about how scaared I was in that hospital but had to block it out.
Even now. In my own house. I dont feel the freedom to cry about it all. To let it out wihtout being judged incompetent or overly emotional. Already my husband is dealing withme in a clinical way in hopes of expressing his love through safety. Pushing aside the emotional care (cause its not his forte although he's brewing with love for me) as something thats secondary and separate from sanity. When infact your emotional health is a major part of your sanity I now see.
In the hospital bed, the worst feeling in the world was not being listend to. I would say something and the main response was .."breathe Nana breathe"... it was like everything I said was a different language, Aside from some very supportive moments rom many I also had cell phones pushed in my face to "say hi" while I was in labor and overheard side conversations about random things while the worst contractions (petosin induced) in the world ravaged my body. Id grip the sheets and someone was making small talk on the phone about the progression of everything.
It was surreal. I couldnt believe it.
Its over now and the olingering effects are physically daunting but my little chocolate cloud of joy is laying next to me. He is perfect.
I need to pray befor eth eceremony. I need to pray hat God guide my mouth and I stay strong inthe face of those who care but if they smell weakness it could be amo for those who have not had my best interest at heart in the past that are attending. I am so glad my invitees have and are bringing compassion to the room cause even in the extended fasmily circle everyone doesnt wish you well.
On thepositive side, the ceremony is the beginning our how my son will define himself. I need to pray now more than ever. Especially for him. That God watches over him and keeps his hert and mind clear of fear.
I do feel different. I feel like praying.
Please excuse typos. I dont plan to go back and clean it up.
LoveNana
