Mama Nana Jazz

I Think Im Ready

2010-08-23T03:15:00.000-07:00

Hey hey now... I think Im ready to restart the challenge I originally started of meditation and prayer twice a day. What I am now realizing is I have bypassed accomplishing a lot by just (somewhat) maintaingin this blog. Usually in the past when I journal my handwriting is so horrible I dont have the pleasure of rereading typos an bad ideas or good ideas and repeat revelations. I tell you its quite a journey in life when you cant help but be introspective on a day to day basis. I know people who arent very introspective DIALY and lemme tell you its seems like they are having more fun and stress/think about tuff less. But all in all FINALLY at 36 I am learning who I really am and what will just be me .. just be who I am.

I danced fully yesterday with friends for the first time in months.. for the first time since before the baby and I tell you it was like a delicious meal after coming off a fast. I had on of those moments when my hand strecthed in the air mid stream where I felt time stand still ( on purpose or divine ordered ) it stood still for me.. little old me to have a moment of sheer gratitude and bliss for being able to move without worrying about hurting the baby or without extreme pain from the surgery or or or. It was sheer gratitude and blis. My chest is warm just thinking about it.

My body, yes I feel enormous.. like I have on a jiggly snowsuit. When I see my refelction I just cant beleive how large I am. I know people are talking about how big Ive gotten post baby or not. Im in such a visible position by teaching dance. And yess I can type how looks dont matter and dont care what people think but I do NOTICE what people think. It doesnt register however as much as I think about myself. I think I look stifled by the weight. Not completely unattractive but bottled up by cellulite. Whats crazy is when i was smaller no one wanted to hear what I had to say about my weight or image then they would cancel it out. Like my emotions didnt matter cause I wasnt 800lbs. Now no one wants to heasr it either cause they want to feel beuatiful. Well all our wants cant do a darn thing if the person (ME) isnt doing internal work to not feel that way. What is bad s not letting someone express thier true emotions no matter what thier size is.

Lastly I escaped to Jeju Saturday. I really really am glad I took that time for myself to wash and be clean. I have to leave early cause I cant stomach knowing I mniss Jasiri M-F and only have two days to spend with him. Im not primary in his development im not his priary consoler during the day. It frustrates me and Im trying to find a way to be at peace with where I am knowing Im doing my best... but im not there.

**** the challenge 365 days meditation and prayer twice a day ****
Well I need to count to find out what day Im on but im a good 6months into this challegne that took a hiatus due to child birth. At this moment I have a strong pull to shower up and step out and meditate but its fighting a big fat draw to get to work extra early and get a jump on my task list. Its going to be a busy week. I dont know what Im going to do but I will write about it and stick as much to my challegne as I can.

My cousin said the only thing I should remember abut spiritual growth is it is inconsistent. Im hoping so cause regularity is not my strong suit. Try to get a groove worked in for my spirit.
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Post Partum

I think I have a touch of it. I thought it would come on out of no where like a singular storm cloud everyone points at but it never rains. But no, its a DIRECT result of stressors. Still healing fromthe surgery (pain etc.), work and other things

I wish I lived closer to family. Im convinced that the effects of post partum can be washed away if you have more women family around you. Currently im stressed because I chose to blog instead of getting to work early so Im imagining things that coul go wrong at the office because I didnt choose to leave out. But Im learning I need to be sane to be a good worker LOL and this is helping. So crazy how cold this modern world is towards the changes a woman goes through. I do need more time to adjust on the inside. To bond with Zaiire to get my body healthy. I sit at my desk all day and have to pump no walk at lunch time cause the girls get enormous.

But, I think Im ready to continue growing on the inside so my outside can refelct the peace I will feel on the inside.

Z Baby

I love him. He is so much darn fun it almost doesnt seem fair.

Thanks for reading. Id love to read your comments.
Nana

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head

2010-08-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sleep Walking ad Living in my Head

Before I begin, let me bring you up to speed via video of my babies growth. I love him so (born May 5, 2010 - 3 months old now). Just amazed I was lucky enough to be a conduit for him coming here.

VIDEO – 15 DAYS OLD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNznpC4MAD0

VIDEO - ZaiireJasiri 1month and 6days after his first bath 6/8/10 ... Zaiire Jasiri Dean Parris ...

VIDEO VIDEO - Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) Zaiire Jasiri and his daddy doing exercises (laughing) 5 weeks old in 3 month old clothing lol 11lbs

VIDEO Reading to Zaiire 2 1/2 months old Daddy P reading to Zaiire

The birth story will be another blog, just know I had to have an emergency c-section from complications the hospital created (exactly like the movie the business of being born said). I have been loving on Zaiire since he came out and now I am at work. 8am – 5pm and I wanna cry from missing him sometimes. It just seems wrong to need to nurse, have my glands fill up(painfully might I add) every few hours and me give it all to a machine until I get home, super tired only to have him on occasion prefer the bottle to me, his mother. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have enough milk stored that pump is my best friend. It means sleep. It means my baby gets the best nutrition for him and I get the best medicine for my fatigue.
I cant describe this phase but I can say that my interest prior to delivering Zaiire of prayer and meditation is so needed right now. I knew what I was gonna need. I needed to increase my faith. And boy do I need it. Im believing too much in what I see right now. What Im hearing right now. Worry, concern .. fear. About money, work, marriage, family, a new house.. just too much. I need to reach for that which I cant see and I do wish I had a better connection before hand however now is not the time for regrets. I just remember wanting to see where I am now when I was pregnant. I wanted to know exactly how hard it would be so that I would be inspired to try harder. What I am learning and have learned is my forceful push to solve and finalize a spiritual regimen was the exact thing that would make this time difficult. The pushing. Im like the child that keeps asking “why, why, why but why” only IM doing it to myself and aggravating myself LOLOOL. So, Ive been sleepwalking and living in my head. Experiencing and trying to figure out at the same time “why” then “how” , how to “fix” things. How to I fix the fact that my boobs swell up with milk hurt and are sore all day long? Cant. Its just how it is. How do I get sleep, feed my baby, work, grow a business and be happy all at the same time? Cant, have to prioritize. My mind knows these things but for some reason Im still asking why over and over again. Sigh, well. I did get one thing right. This blog. I need to get it out. I have also received some excellent constant advice from my cousin who me/enlightened me in on the very thing I need to spend a life time working on.. and that is not to forcefully push or over organize a spiritual expression cause letting your spirit flow is not a regimented thing and my spirited has been boxed up after the physical trauma of child birth and now the survival mode of money making. Just typing this out seems to be a release. I need to get back to it.
Im grateful for the health of my family. Im grateful Im not nauseas anymore Im grateful my baby is storng and healthy. I grateful for the house Im hoping to buy. Im grateful for JEJESAUNA.NET! Im grateful for my sister nieces and mother coming to visit me. Im grateful for my cousin and friends who help me find sanity once a week. Im grateful for my income. Im grateful I will be able to dance soon. Im grateful for sun on my skin. Im grateful for pecan candy and caramel cake. I grateful for sistahs that understand. I grateful for my great grandmother and ancestors that dealt with more than me.Im grateful for my babies smile.
Siiigghh .. I feel a little better. Thanks for reading. Being honest aint easy but it sure is freeing.
Nana

I Had The Baby.. My Son is Here

2010-05-16T02:32:00.001-07:00

Who loves him. I do. Born 5/5/10 6:30pm

The story of his transition is one I will type later but Im up and should be sleeping since he has blessed us with a straight sleep of 1am - now 6am. A full 5 hours. We are blessed.

I cant sleep becqause we are naming him today and lots of people (more than I'd like) are coming over to hear his name.

This is a family naming ceremony not a spiritual one so we the parents are in charge.

I feel different but the same. I thought I would become more intense and bolt at the sign of strife around my child but so far the only major strife is the healing I need surroundnig these stitches as a resukt of an emergnecy c-section. Yes emergency. Painful and long story Ill type out later.

My husbands mom is here helping and my day are spent happily responding to the needs ofo an 11 day old newborn. My joy. My heart is full of everthing for him. Hope love joy. I want to cry everytime I see him. Tears of joy of course and releif Imade it through a ro9ugh pregnancy.

A pregnancy that taught me what real friends and family were. What it means for me to have compassion for others even when Im at my lowest. A pregnancy that taught me I have the balls of a dinosaur when I need to pull them out. A pregnanxy that showed me God hasnt forgetten about me and is also with my son. The miracle that had two cords wrapped around his neck.

I have very little small talk for folks these days. I feel full and heavy with emotion. Some of it I need to rinse out as a result of a traumatic and lonely bithing experience. I love my close friends for yanking me out of the lonely feeling every now and then. I wanna cry as I type thinking about how scaared I was in that hospital but had to block it out.

Even now. In my own house. I dont feel the freedom to cry about it all. To let it out wihtout being judged incompetent or overly emotional. Already my husband is dealing withme in a clinical way in hopes of expressing his love through safety. Pushing aside the emotional care (cause its not his forte although he's brewing with love for me) as something thats secondary and separate from sanity. When infact your emotional health is a major part of your sanity I now see.

In the hospital bed, the worst feeling in the world was not being listend to. I would say something and the main response was .."breathe Nana breathe"... it was like everything I said was a different language, Aside from some very supportive moments rom many I also had cell phones pushed in my face to "say hi" while I was in labor and overheard side conversations about random things while the worst contractions (petosin induced) in the world ravaged my body. Id grip the sheets and someone was making small talk on the phone about the progression of everything.

It was surreal. I couldnt believe it.

Its over now and the olingering effects are physically daunting but my little chocolate cloud of joy is laying next to me. He is perfect.

I need to pray befor eth eceremony. I need to pray hat God guide my mouth and I stay strong inthe face of those who care but if they smell weakness it could be amo for those who have not had my best interest at heart in the past that are attending. I am so glad my invitees have and are bringing compassion to the room cause even in the extended fasmily circle everyone doesnt wish you well.

On thepositive side, the ceremony is the beginning our how my son will define himself. I need to pray now more than ever. Especially for him. That God watches over him and keeps his hert and mind clear of fear.

I do feel different. I feel like praying.

Please excuse typos. I dont plan to go back and clean it up.

LoveNana

"... its been a long time since I left you, without a dope .."

2010-03-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

aaaand I'm back. Talk about a long stretch. I feel different today. This morning. Its about 6am and Im up trying to down my water, still a challenge, and I really am getting close to the end of the pregnancy but not my challenge. I wish I knew what it was specifically that I'm afraid of when it comes to praying and meditating. I can only guess I'm afraid it won't help. Which is insane because every single time I do it does. What in the world is that all about?

Am I worried that I will grow beyond people I love and miss them? Am I worried that God will laugh at my efforts? Am I worried that I I wont be consistent? Well, one thing I do know is I definitely beat up and punish myself as if Im my own medieval flogging preacher and worshiper every time things don't go as my little head thinks it should. Typing things out helps cause reading over my own thoughts shows I had no idea I was so punitive of my own actions when God and he faith I want to reinforce is so loving and forgiving. This is why I'm sure I need regular help.

Some great things have happened. The closer I'm getting to delivering, the more people have come out to support the journey. The larger my belly gets the sweeter my husband gets. The visual side of pregnancy matters 100%. I never knew that. I thought maybe I could get a 30/70 split leaning towards support no matter how big I was but nope, what a good lesson in reality. Just like out of sight out of mind. I dont think if it wasnt for facebook folks would remember I was even pregnant. But I dont take offense at all its just truely a shattering of this mystical image I had in my head of how pregnancy would be. Sort of like a woman being fed the fairytale image of marriage. I was never ever one of those women and thought I had an edge, then I got pregnant and needed a Rehab center to survive the sobering effects of what pregnancy and the treatment of pregnant women is really like.

Don't get me wrong Im not trying to say its all bad I just have to be honest and say my imagination and expectations FAR surpassed the experience and I now see through journaling that that was my number one battle. Sigh, truly sobering.

The blessing is that folks have decided to accompany me still as I continued to learn it like kind grandparent, loving but allowing to fall and fail and get hurt and cry and 'express disappointment' and contemplate and reflect and strategize.. and basically over think the hell out of being pregnant LOL.

Well, I'm so thankful to those and for the forced experiences that make me sit down and just be thankful. The most current forced experience has been .... a CONTRACTION! LOL

********* 365 Meditation and Prayer twice a day ***********

So, the challenge. In my last blog/journal entry I wanted to find a community but have been so preoccupied with going on leave from work and organizing the home I seem to have blocked everything out.

I have noticed I've reverted back to verbal dumping of fears and concerns onto friends. Sorry ya'll. I know its a balance that occurs in friendships but Im ready to grow beyond making friends my only source. Its a taxing job for someone who is only human. I think my ego forgets peer to peer counseling is not the most humbling experience since we are all in the same boat. Talking to God humbles me instantly. Maybe thats adding to my resistance. So I'm not giving up on he challenge. I have avoided it lately and used as an excuse... what would it matter if I didnt. But it matters a lot. I dont want to give up on growing. Not just because of the baby but because I said I wanted to be a better person. I dont want to be a big fat chicken and limit myself when the people before me didnt limit themselves.

Im back on the horse again. And will be more forgiving of myself when I mess up and shorten the time span for trying again. Honestly I think that is a massive theme in my life in most areas. I need to meditate on releasing all of that.

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*************The Pregnancy **************

Stretch Marks

Apparently lotioning everyday is not the only thing you are supposed to do. Sigh....

The other assignment seems to be;

-wear your belly brace as often as possible no matter how much the baby punches it

-dont walk around at all so gravity can not help the fault lines form

- dont just focus on the part of the belly you can see when heavily lotioning LOL

- dont just lotion after a shower. hit the stomach up as often as possible sigh

I just wish I knew these things ahead of time lol

Baby

The baby is larger.. muuuch larger. My ribs are less tender but the sharp jabs that to the baby is finding a comfortable nook by its foot have not stopped.

The baby is fun and funny. I cant wait to match the out of womb personality with the in the womb personality. Sometimes I worry about hurting it when I bend down but the doctors tell me repeatedly the baby is ok. Before, I felt movement now I feel a person inside me. So so strange. I feel it completely. It never gets old. Ever.

People

Apparently the number 1 question now from people I dont know well is that I am 8+ months is " .. so , are you scared about the delivery." then I see an invisible bowl of popcorn come out like Im the matinee show before their main activity for the day. Funny how near strangers will dib and dab at emotional questions when you are pregnant that they wouldntr for any other topic like " so.. before your divorce hearing were you scared?".

The great thing is about people now is that they are allowing me more space to be me. Pregnancy give you an authenticity pass in public cause folks want to believe the only reason you are acting a certain way is because you are pregnant. Its all very interesting, but I do feel much better about dealing with people.

I heard a friend tell me recently the Maya Angelou was being interviewed on the Tom Joyner Morning show (not a fan but happy about the community work he does). One of the female interviewers ask Maya Angelou if she ever had an affair. Maya told her, " honey there are just somethings you dont ask a lady in public. Now get her in private and there's no telling what she'll say but there are just some things you dont ask a woman in public." Not all people ofcourse, but some are just without any home training and they all have something to say.

Whats REALLY funny is the "people" who without asking to touch your belly reach to touch it say, not 5 mins later, "when I was pregnant I hated when people didnt ask me to touch my belly." And I'm thinking, what alternate universe is she living in cause she just reached for mine without asking? Craziness LOL

Labor

I have absolutely no idea what to expect other than various levels of pain. Im praying some music and my number one coping mechanism, jokes, will help but who knows. I do know that Im actively blocking out the fear peddlers cause they are all over the place like some Stephen King movie.

I had a few light contractions and went to the hospital last week. I saw the maternity ward for the first time. They werent letting visitors through cause of the Swine Flu.. wait no the H1N1 thing. They wanted the flu season to pass. So we got to talk to the nurses about the policies and my mind was laid to rest about a lot of worries that day. I feel positive now about going in.

The only thing I wish is if I had someone for me to be there for my delivery since now its just me Parris and his mom. My mom was gonna be my coach but she's not gonna make it. I know Ill be fine but I wish that was different.

I also think about the dangers of labor sometimes. Parris and I had "the talk" if something happened he wanted to know my wishes as far as saving the baby or saving me. I told him without question save the baby. Ive had a good run here and Im truly satisfied with my life. If I had to leave I know for a fact I have done my best to love people and not try to make them guess if I love them or not. Its the baby's turn.

Friends

Friends have been love peddlers and I can't thank them enough. Truly, I cant. I must say I wasnt good at it before but it really is nice to receive.

Family

I miss them more and more each day of this journey and am thankful for those who behave like family here in ATL. I would have a different experience without them.

In a Bubble

2010-03-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

Lately I havent only NOT been doing my challenge, I have been contemplating if the challenge is helping as much as I need it to. I started the challenge thinking the prayer and meditation would reveal things to me. It has to some extent but the closer i get to delivering the more worried I get that I am not spiritually equipped to handle the process and other people.

Life is changing big time and I have a greater need for receiving good energy from others than before. With this challegne and the pregnancy I feel like I am in a bubble. A bubble walking on a journey only I can do. Just me. No one else can be this beautiful baby's mama. Carry it. Deal with everything that comes with the reality that my dad raised me primarily and I have no idea how to be a mother. Only I can face that and in this bubble I see people wanting me to smile and cheese and speak positive only. Care for te baby and never be negative. So, Ive been feeling myself become fake, something Ive never done. I dont know if its becoming fake to please people and keep them away or if I just dont know any other way to respond to these massive changes and truthful experiences. Im learning through NOT meditating that without a spiritual community that inquires about your heart, your prayer, your fears.

I look at people and I know they have troubles just like I do. I know they have challenges. I also know that my personal fears and challenges wont go away with a blog. I am also learning they wont go away with me keeping them to myself. I want to keep the challenge so I dont isolate myself. This blog is my way of staying honest with the people I care about but I now see that I need help or.. company on my spiritual journey.

I am not sure if sitting in a chapel, then socializing afterwards is really helpful to me. I wish I could be like some who do everythign privately and get results. They go to a church or a mosque etc. and socialize and go to work and .... blah blah and they pray in private and reconcile thier confusion, thier fears and hopes in private. They get replenished and continue going on and on and on. I beleive those people exist. At this moment in my life, I am at a crossroads and want to choose a peaceful foundation. A consistency I have not incorporated.

So, now I want to add that in addition to prayer and meditation I want to find a spiritual community. Not a cult or a watered down social network. A simple, basic, sincere place to be me. Happy, sad, confused, imperfect, uncomfrtable, comfortable.. me. People who are also on a journey but the environment and goals of the practice inspire them to want to deal with the insides of a person. If I am missing for a while and am going through a major change, those people wont wait for me to ask for help. They will call or visit and offer. The community will be just as flawed as others. It will have an understanding of the pull of modern times and schedules and economics but operate in a fashion that is easy. Simple.

I feel like now I can have something to ask for in my prayers and listen for in my meditation. I would like guidance towards that. In the past I researched several monotheistic religions. I attended religious ceremonies. I realized it didnt matter the practice it was the people I didnt trust. I didnt see anything but selfishness in people. Unplanned, survival of the fittest selfishness. Emotion driven selfishness. I was already trying to shake that myself. Still am. This emotion driven life is all over the place and absolutely no fun lol.

So, has this journal/blog helped. Yes. Its open. Humbling. I read over entries know full well a whole ONE person may be reading and am still a bit embarrased by certain things but I'm happy to release it. The harm.. I dont think there is a harm but writing this with minimal feedback has shown me how much I need feedback on my spiritual journey and I cant expect friends who have not signed up to be 'spiritual friends' to join me. Its a bit egotistical and I get it now.

Its easy to confuse a call for help in the spiritual department as an egotistical push for attention. I really just projected a need on people who were not put here to guide me anywhere. I get it now.

*********** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day *************

Ah.. the ambition of it all LOL. I knew I would learn something but now Ive learned more than I ever imagined. Ive learned not what I want but what I need. Time to prayer for help finding a spiritual community big or small that does the above or what God knows I need. Im not meant to travel this journey alone. Thats what this challenge is teaching me.

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Ill keep you posted. And for the very few. Thanks for reading. Atleast if my baby asks one day who its mother was, those reading my thoughts in this journal/blog can have an answer from my rawest thoughts.

Love yall
Nana

On my way back

2010-02-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, Im back again. For some reason this morning I feel better. Or wait.. not better but more hopeful about things. I have absolutely no detailed plan but I feel better. I was a sad face zombie yesterday but today mama is back and ready to prepare for the new formula. I think I needed to mourn the loss of the "old plan" and now on to a new plan. (laughing) I still have absolutely no idea how Im gonna do it especially when everyone thinks you are ok all the time and that you are superwoman and that itll all work out so some just disappear and come back when it 'worked out' lol. But Ill make it either way.

There are so many women with much less that succeeded but Im talking about me and right about now I feel like an enthusiastic 12 year old in the game. No skills no wisdom lol just enthusiasm and hope. Im thankful God has presented something inside me from somewhere to shake this fear loose enough to plan and prepare.

What I have learned so far is, when Im physically sick everything seems dismal. I have sooo much respect for those who are chronically sick and keep thier own spirits and other peoples up. Not breathing through your nose and back pain keeping you up at night makes you a cranky person lol. So, today Im going to survey some options for help once the baby comes and plan to succeed in this uncharted territory.

******* The CHallenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day **********

So far we are 2 months and three days into the challegne and I tell you there were days where no prayer nor meditation happened. The only thing that tried to happen was sleep. I truely feel like no matter what my condition I should be praying and meditating and Im hoping staying focused on this challenge will help me continue to consider it.

Now that Im nominally stuffy and physically feeling a little better I defintiely am going to pray and meditate this morning. I have the time and dont feel a physcial distraction.

Ill have to blog about it tonight.
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Pregnancy

I have an appointment Tuesday at 11 I think where I need to present my birthing plan to the physician. Things I want to happen during the birth like people I want in the room. Stuff I dont want to have happen like I cant take people yelling at me (lol). So anyhoo, Ihave to work on that.

Baby

Love the baby. Love it.

Not a good feeling

2010-02-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

I found out my mom isnt doing well health wise yesterday. The last time she visited she had a seizure in front of me. It was hoirrible. She is set to come down and I cant tell you how hapy I was cause we never got to spend a lot of time together as I was growing up. I wanted to ask her face to face so many questions. Things I could only ask in person. As I am on my way to becoming a mother I feel I can do it, I can be a good mom even though I spent little time with my own. Im just sad today because she may not be well enough to stay long. I said with this blog I would be honest and right now, I dont feel very happy. I want to put on a smiley face cause as soon as someone sees a pregnant woman crying they immediately want her to stop. I just need to get it out I think.

The doctor said her diabetes is barely being managed, her cholesterol is extremely high along with her blood pressure. They basically said shes a prime candidate for a heart attack at any moment. I know I shouldnt focus on the negative. I guess part of me was just really looking for the story book experience like all of us. We watch movies or hear stories, sometimes exaggerated sometimes not, about other peoples family experiences and we cry for what we never knew. I can easily say it wasnt all bad growing up and it wasnt. Ive been very very blessed. But right now I dont feel like speaking in a very balanced way.

I think because Im sick right now and in the house laid up with minimal sleep the night before I just am sad right now. My primary way of dealing is to get organized and find another solution. My friend Bonnie said I can just shorten the stay but I am so very worried about her health and I wont be strong enough to help her and the baby if something happens. So much is riding on my mom changing years of habitual eating and lifestyle behavior in a short amount of time. I want to have faith all will be well but I want to be smart. Pretending all will be well wont make it well. I was so excited about her staying atleast two months. But I know it wont be possible for her to stay that long. This sucks. I really was excited about her coming. Really excited. It felt good to say for once in my life my mom was coming to help me. I know I can do anything I set my mind to but I honestly didnt see myself alone going through my first time mothering my baby. What was I thinking in life traveling around trying to find myself. Now Im in a city with barely any blood relatives, inlaws who are sweet but are more distant in behavior than my family and my first pregnancy. I could have set it up better than this. But whats done is done. At some point in the day Ill suck it up and realize my blessings and know that so many have it much worse, much much worse than me. But right now I am just taking a moment to be honest and say that Im so sad my mom wont be with me. Family will be flying in and out but not staying a while. What was I thinking?

***** The challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ****

One would say this is the perfect time to pray. Old me would say its a perfect time to go dancing. This is the time when I wish there were 7 drummers infront of me and friends dancing around me so the fear and sadness can go away. I have doubts that prayer and meditation can help. I want to go outside and walk in the sun cause its nice out but my sinuses are killing me and my body is sleep deprived. I know after I pray Ill feel better. It has happened so many times in the past. I guess I just feel like this pregnancy is making me as strong as people think I already am. cause I dont feel too strong today. I hope I decide to have a little faith and pray and meditate today.

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Pregnancy

Well still in the home stretch and even though Im sad right now Im so very thankful. So much about being pregnant I dont like. An older woman told me if we all shared everything that happens during pregnancy no woman would want to do it. Well, I dont have anything beuatiful to say about it right now. Maybe try another blog.

Baby

The most beautiful thing about the journey. The baby is the best. It makes me smile at times like this.

Physically Sick but Emotionally Healthy

2010-02-16T04:14:00.000-08:00

So I woke up today after being sick, some head cold thats trying to get me, and was ready to ... drink some orange juice. Prayer wasnt the first thing on my mind but honestly it was the second. I got me cup and with a good morning roll from the baby I asked it if it wanted to pray with me this morning. Something has happened different in the last few weeks with my interaction with the baby. I feel its body parts more. Lik I feel a different between a foot and a knee. Before I couldnt tell what was happening so I chalked it all up to a punch. But lately I am feeling a little person in my stomach. It sounds silly right. The little person has always been there but ususally I needed the ultrasound to tell me where it was, how it was positioned... etc. But now, without the ultrasound (I am dying to get the 3/4D but its too expensive) I am left to talking to elbows and knees and a little butt rubbing up against me. A lady told me I will miss it. I know she is right. I do feel physically awful though but emotionally I feel so much stronger. I had a great session and experience with the Doula Sunday. She chose to take me on a walk through a nature reserve. I didnt even know I needed that. It was so peaceful. I am not through and through an outdoors type perse but I do loooove nature. I can walk around mud and jump through a creek but if you ask me to sleep in a tent where mosquitos are taking over I will squeal and run.

It was nice. We talked ab9out my true feelings. About how I am processing the things that are difficult for me to rinse from my system when they happen. Before preganancy I just buried things then danced them out. That was my process and it worked. The problem is it was at the expensive of other things. I needed to dance like some needed something to drink in the mniddle of a week. Whether it was West African or Salsa or dancehall or interpretive I just loved it because it saved me from dealing with the emotions that hurt during the day, or week. I couldnt understand mean people but then, mean people or hurt people showed up inthe dance area and then I was all messed up. (laughing) I knew I needed to grow new tools of coping but I knew as long as God gave me dance and music I wasnt going to do it. Along came my little miracle.

This miracle in my tummy took me down the short and hard road for becoming tougher (not fully tough yet but Im better). I was too sick to dance. The doctor put me on bedrest. I was miserable. I felt like an addict going through withdrawl. I also didnt have people to cheer me up cause they were on thier own dance floor healing from their own day. I was lost, sad and by the end wanted to become bitter. I wanted to shoo people away for good cause I went through those first few months feeling alone with no dance and it scared me. Now, I can say dance is an addition to my day not a drug for my pain. Does it curb things yes but this miracle and mniracle process is teaching me to grow up and know what true emotional health feels like. Its a daily goal that requires me to rinse out these mean/hurt people who spiritually attack you throwing the pain someone cased them on you, pregnant or not.

***** The Challenge Prayer & meditation twice a day 365days*****

Well My prayer this morning was divine. I read a passage from the daily thought to the baby. the baby rolled around and I pretended to translate tis rolling into English. The passage talked about knowing for a fact without a doubt God is the strongest thing out there. The affirmation was "I know that I know". As I read, I read it to the baby. I read things I did want the baby, this miracle for me to know abo9ut God. I thought to myself "there is so much I am not sure of how can I teach God to a person when I have a shaky relationship on my end at best with God?". I contradict my beliefs everyday and just as I saw my father and mother's contradictions the baby will see mine. I quietly thought why try? But then I remembered it was God's choice and the babies choice to come to me just as God and I choose my parents. I am no longer a child. I must accept the daily responsibility of this challegne and continue trying. ITs really amazing to admit your own immaturity.

*********************************************

The Pregnancy

They say from this week, 28th week, my stomach will grow 1/2 and inch a week until delivery. Thats just crazy. How will I make it down the Soul Train Line at my party? LOLOL

When I do the math I will be exactly 9 months pregnant at the party LOL what was I thinking? (dying laughing). Oh I know, I was thinking I needed all the good energy and distraction I can take from thinking about this already large child passing through my tiny vagina LOL. I know this is a standard thing for God to coordinate and many have done it however I feel like I have the largest poo ever about to happen and I have no idea how it will make its way out LOL. Ok sorry for being gross but this is what THIS pregnant lady is thinking about.

The Baby

The baby has slepping patterns definitely and Im hoping my practice is encouraging healthy sleeps through the night LOL. I loooove this baby. I love talking to the baby in the shower and trying to figure out what its saying to me. I still have NO CLUE who this person is but Im so happy about the introductions that are soon to take place.

Work.

Sigh.. what can I say. Im ready to spedn my days organizing and cleaning but I want that extra dough to save before I cant do anything. Im worried about not being able to contribute or my saving being empty. I also dont like sitting all day but I am thankful for the gig. te people are fairly nice.

Sorry forthe typos.

Love ya
Nana

I had another dream

2010-02-12T02:49:00.001-08:00

*Picture: My Lousiana family on my mama side. New Roads, Louisiana. My Grandmother gave birth to 11 children and with my grandfather created this legacy wihtout a cellphone, ipod, laptop or blog LOL.

Its about 5am Friday and after an evening of throwing up five hours of food (gross I know) I faded into a slept that seemed low energy but free strangely enough. I beleive Im moving into the last few monhs where they say the baby presses more on your lungs and stomach so the nausea continues. It makes me think about my great grandmother, friends far away, sisters, aunts just people I can be weak around. But, thankfully I married a kind man. Im so glad that although we both have challenges we are kind to each other when its important. I had to have had five or six runs to the restroom and that is exhausting to say the least. He rubbed my back and encouraged me. I was thankful. We sat and chatted and both faded into sleep witht he thought that it will only be a few more months to go.

***** My Dream Last night *********

My dream. There are sections that led into each other but all so vivid. I like sharing my dreams cause I feel like it really happened and typing it makes me remember what was in them matter somehow in my life or someone elses life.

One section was my mothers mother Jesse Mae and she was in a house that looked like hers but it was different. She was getting ready and looked younger. Still her bbut young. I noticed her closet door open and some shoes were on the ground. Iv eneber noticed my grandmothers shoes. THere was a pair of brown flats with a sling back (not usually my style) simple enough to wear with a lot of things and I really liked them. I mentioned to her shed better be glad we werent the same size cause I really liked her shoes. She said she was a size nine. I said "me too". I tried them on and she said I could borrow them. If you know my grandmother You know she is a strong character and loaning shoes to a grandchild is not her thing. I dont know what that was all about but its the first time Ive ever dreamed about my grandmother. She then left.

The next section of the dream I was witnessing a festival. I dont know if someone told me in the dream, wait it was mentioned that it was an Ogun festival., People were dressed up and I mentioned or thought hm during the same time as Mardi Gras (which is not the case). Everyone was celebrating and dressed up. Especially those practitioners of the Yoruba faith. They were in the streets dancing and then I saw a group of paraders in my age group (maybe a ten yr span both ways) who straddled the fence between a contemporaqry lifestyle and a traditional lifestyle. They were crowding a mid height darkskinned man who seemed to be "one fo them". It was said in the dream he was to be a great leader that would unify all of the different groups that followed that faith but apparently some legal accusations were made abo9ut him and the police were looking for him. The plan during the festival was to hide him and I looked in his eyes and they said he knew he would be away for a long time then return in his 50s or 60s to lead and unify his people. I am in no way a knowledgable person about the different Yoruba people nor practitioners but this dream was so vivid I had to waddle over and type it. I remember feeling a little sorry for hinm and his sacrafice but feeling sure that I may not be around to see it all transpire. Dont know why.

Anyway the last phase of the dream I walked into a greyhound bus terminal and witnessed an interview taking place from people I didnt know on how comfortable and affordable Greyhound was. How the seats reclined and it was much different. I ended up on the bus where two old girlfriends from Howard sat talking about how different but yet the same I was. Then my girlfriend came on and talked about the festival and how nice it was to see everyone coming together. Her husband and son were ther. I played with her son and then noticed we were driving through Howards campus and I needed to get off but the bus driver said I mnissed my stop. I waited and looked at all the bags I need to carry. Finally I tell the bus driver to let me off but I sat a little too long. He did but I dont remember the walk.

So that was my dream. Im so sleepy still and have no idea what to put in my belly but after the last blog I had a dream that I timie traveled and learned that trying to fix everything and everyone takes too much energy and is like playing God. I really appreciated that dream because the night before I returned to my challenge and prayed and asked God for help with my fear of making bad choices. That dream reminded me I need to enjoy the moment moment so I was very very thankful.

This dream makes me wonder. It makes me more aware of the passing of the baton thats about to happen when this birth occurs. What role I will play by being a mother of a child that deserves to be fed what he or she needs to feel whole and survive in this world. How can I take the blessings of my grandmother's (all of them) sacrafices and be worthy of fitting into a legacy of people that remembered the big picture while having a hand in raising me. I guess, the dream made me remember its bigger than me. Im sure there are other interpretations but just wanted to share.

****** The Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day******

Currently Im at once a day for prayer. I actually did yoga earlier this week but have been sick via a cold and nausea so the physical issues with the pregnancy have trumpted so much. But I continue to have easier prayer experiences. I feel less anxiety about "messing up prayer". I feel calmer these days. I am missing some siritual comradery. Id love to have a regular small group of people to discuss my spiriaul growth milestones with. I think it would help fortify me when I have a freak out session when something goes wrong. Consistency in spiritual strength is not my strong suit. But Im hoping through this challenge that changes. I need more consistent faith.

******************************************************

Something Good.. no Great.

This week someone injected thier power to make things a bit harder for me and it sent me off the deep end. I was pissed. I learned about myself that Im the type to let it out so it doesnt get buried but need more permanent ways of not allowing that one incident trigger old fears of failure. So something great was my little sister happened to be available and she was (as usual) so wise and understanding about how she helped me isolate the anxiety and not tie it to old "failures" that I was able to move through it all much quicker. I was so thankful to her. During this time of a new responsibility of becoming a mother and onyl a few months left I really have been worried and anxious about being a bad mama. Or being irresponsible. I dont want that for my baby. But she was a great mirror for me and reminded me to look at the whole picture and stop weighing mistakes more than my successes. I love her and am lucky to have her.

Pregnancy

Um. What can I say. A couple more months to go. The baby is so strong. I have been cutting back on my hours at work and thats helped. I always had the option. Just finally woke up and (with encouragement from my friend Vonn) accepted I need more time to focus on my health and the last few months of the pregnancy.

The Baby

The baby is getting big. I hear the last few months can be a growth spirt for your belly. As I always have typed and though each stage of the way. I acn imagine my stomach getting any bigger. I asked the baby last night, "If you are a girl kick once and if you are a boy kick twice." Immediately after asking the baby kicked four times LOL.

People

I have been better at taking people. Its amazing what they will say. One guy I hadnt seen in a while, like 6 years or so said " I didnt even recognize you you've gotten so big". In front of all these people. Ive never been a quick person with retaliatory come backs. I just said immediately after "you must mean big and fine". I didnt say, "Im seven months pregnant you fool thanks a lot." I think the people around me thought it for me. I rode away remembering how arrogant and angry he was a long time ago, It annoyed me back then. And now I feel sorry for him. But a few days later I found myself looking in the mirror and talking more about being fat. Its amazing the spiritual warfare that goes on in the streets around people who make putting others down look like second nature behavior. It took a few days of acknowledging his comment tapped into an insecurity then I finally let it go. He was one person. There are others like him cause they have all in one way or another been more vocal with me during the pregnancy. Like this was the BEST time to throw thier fear my way. And then, there are the people who have shown me so much unconditional love I can barely type. People who have reminded me how lucky I am to have them in my life and thos people far out weight the others. You have no choice but to receive when you are pregnant and if you are primarily a giver its a scary but beautiful new gift each time its given. I wish every pregannat woman had the supportive people I have. Im grateful.

As always, please please forgive the typos. Im trying to stick to atleast one aspect of the challegne by typing the blog frequently and proof reading seems to become second everytime to sleep or food.

Love,

Nana

2010-02-04T09:53:00.001-08:00

So I think I’ve completely abandoned the challenge these last few days. So funny how the thing you need is what you avoid. I think maybe since I’ve been so pooped I just have been running to sleep. So much is going on. I had my first contraction. It was the pre-term one (Braxton Hicks) so its normal so I’m told. I have been so unbelievably tired. I get ready for bed thinking, I hope I get rest. And I rarely do. It’s a bit discouraging. At work I’m constantly thinking, “ I should be drinking water now, prenatal pills … on and on and on”. It’s a lot, for me at least. My mind never ever stops think and wondering if I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do each day to give the baby what it needs. A perfect reason to pray. I hope by the end of this challenge I will have found some balance cause my commitment is as irregular as my mood swings.
I cant wait to start dancing this weekend. I’m going to the dance studio to work on a choreography. My Saturday is looking really really full. Pretty soon my answer to 99% of request will be no thank you.

********** Challenge 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day ********
Just doing sporadic morning and evening lay down conversation sessions with God. I have no idea why I am losing the drive. I think I feel by myself in this task. Maybe if I had company. Do I really need others that bad to accomplish such an important goal? Half of me wants to beat up on myself and the other half wants to yield to my own needs and limitations.
When I wake up, my first thought is not positive. Its “I’m tired” (laughing). By the morning its my 7th or 8th time in the night getting up to pee and I know I have a minimum of 45mins of food prep and supplement for the day before leaving for work. All I can think of is, “get the food ready”. I’m exhausted lately. I feel myself becoming a bit pessimistic and overwhelmed due to the fatigue. Maybe this challenge is what I need to redirect my thinking. I doubt it will take away the fatigue but I have to believe the negative thoughts are not making things any better.
Wish me luck. Its hard committing to something alone. But I wont give up.

***************************************************

Pregnancy

Going going.. trying to enjoy moments lol frustrated with not having my full capacity to "fix" things for myself.

The baby is excellent and I love it

Do what you neeed cause you need it.

2010-01-26T04:12:00.001-08:00

So nI had a dream I went to Egypt with Michelle and a guy friend. I dont remember the who the guy was but I went to egypt. I was a tourist and walked on sand. I saw a truck ride by on the sand creating fake steps for a marcing band to follow. Yes, a marching band. It was Southern University's marching band. Then the kiddie version marched by. I asked Michelle if I could take an evening flight and make it back for work the next day and she didnt look confident. We decided to walk toward the Nile River. The river was wide and it reminded me of standing on the levy by my grandmothers house watching the Mississippi rush by. But the sun was shining brighter in this scene. We stood and I thought to myself, how can life be bad living near something like the Nile.

Well, that was my dream and yesterday I felt good physically. I'd been meeting the last three or four weeks with my friend who is a doula for birthing/nutrition/baby planning classes and the nutrition part was really paying off. Transitioning from a diet that accomodated a horrible nauseas 4-5months is very different then the diet of a pregnant woman that needs some very basic things. I was/am scared to eat raw salads cause as much as I love them they made me throw up instantly. But Im trying them plus supplements in smoothies she helped me design based on my specific needs. In valuable. I really really needed to have someone to talk to and I am so glad somewhere in my lost pregnancy-ness lol I sought out what I needed. I spent yesterday feeling so much better. I couldnt beleive it. I couldnt believe how bad I was feeling before. Just like the dehydration. Its funny what we will deal with when we dont know any better. Well thank God for my friend's knowldege and my own personal desire to get what I need cause I can see easily how this could have been a miserable pregnancy.

I came home and was hit with this wave of panic instantly that

1. Im getting bigger

2. I wont be able to take care of myself in a little while

3. Im getting bigger

4. I have to figure out how I will survive and plan the next six months AND take care of my new baby

I know, I sound like a single mother with no husband no family and no friends. None of that is true. I remember the six weeks of bedrest and how lonely that was and Im frightened it will be repeated. I think thats the problem. Well what you fear s what you create and Im praying 'literally this morning to not be at the mercy of unhappy circumstances.

We are planning. We both meet with the doula for the classes but my lack of sticking to my challenge due to being naive and just plain feeling bad physically had me abandon the one saving grace on this scary new beautiful journey Im on all by myself. No one can push this baby out for me. Its a daunting responsibility and a rites of passage just for me that has another being's life at stake. I guess I just miss having my great grandmother around to help me feel strong. Strong like the women before me who had no clue either. Its so important to have elder women around when these major life changes happen. They remind you what you are made of without saying much but "peel these potatos".

Well after my panic attack LOL I ofcourse dozed off to sleep and was just exhuasted from the day. On a good day I am exhausted by 4pm.

I also had a good convo with my cousin Jabez. Its nice to be continuing to build with new family and with friends who take the time to listen and have a genuine interest in you being ok.

And Parris. Parris has been very busy and on his own journey through this. Its funny how marriage will teach you how to respect someone elses path, someone elses rites of passage. The difference is this process is different for men and women and although we respond different and are affected differently we are forced to share the same timeline and are forced to find a way through being completely clueless and new to agree on major things. He's been so kind to me while still bumping along in the dark himself and I try to rememebr that.

So, back to the challenge cause clearly my slipping has leeft me in a tizzy.

******************* 365 days of Prayer & Meditation twice a day ***************

I started December 18th and today is January 26th. Its been over a month Ive been doing this challenge while being pregnant and I tell you LOLOL I needed it and its hard.

Most mornings now I have a truncated timeline but still a fruitful experience. I sit on the couch, belly has gotten bigger and my back is feeling it big time, and talk to God outloud still. Its been working for me. I still say my fears and learn how I can overcome them just by hearing them come out. They sound silly but Im always glad that I dont need to be embarrased when talking to God. I then without planning move into being thankful. I say things that are small and large I'm thankful for. I do feel myself becoming stronger each time I do it. In the last seven to nine days Ive prayed 80% in the morning and 5% at night. The fatigue is kicking my butt.

The meditation. My meditations have turned into straight sleep in the night time hours. I heard someone say if you fall asleep during meditation then you needed it. Trust me I was knocked out. When I first started I was a lot more frustrated with myself for not doing it. Now I am developing a bit more compassion for myself and I just have not been feeling well. I still want to know how people with chronic illness focus past the physical discomfort and still find a place of peace. I know its possible. For now my morning meditations are breif but potent as well. I like that feeling now. Its becoming something I have a taste for. Calmness.

******************************************************

The Pregnancy

The classes and help with nutrition has become invaluable. I went to the doctor last week for a check up and I cant tell you how much western patient care is not my friend. Crazy part is I really like my doctor but shes like the boyfriend thats fabulous but his career doesnt allow him to spend quality time with you so I dont want to cancel the dates cause you like him but you leave frustrated cause you know you needed more time to get what you need.

Food

So I was instructed by the Doula class leader to track my eating and I did. She provided me with a form and I wrote it alll down. She assessed it last week and gave some excellent recommendations that honestly was the key to me feeling better. Im so happy about that. I went shopping like a lost puppy that has recently graduated to "knowing what I need land". It was nice and now my days are spent preparing the foods me and the baby need. Its a feelingyo9u cant replace.

Baby

Strong and clear. This baby has developed a relationship with its mama that includes elbowing the poo out of me to remind me its here and boy do I love it. The pain, no but the communication yes. I love this baby.

People

Its interesting cause as I change people have been changing. Some friends talk to me more. I think some were scared I wouldnt make it this far since I did experience a miscarriage four years ago. I think some just were busy and others didnt know how much I needed them.

I have learned to limit gatherings that have people Id rather not spend a lot of time with and I have lightened up on people and my expectations of them. Ive lightened up tremendously. Just praying that when Im in need I will help the help I need to make it through. I know God has never dropped me on my butt before so no need to worry now. People have been good. I think I can see that better now cause I have been feeling better and stronger.

Daddy

Daddy is getting into a good rhythm. The classes have been enlightening for us both. We were given a sheet with a list of values and those values were things we value about the birthing experience to be. We learned a lot and it was nice to know what he valued. The classes are helping a lot.

***************** The picture ************

Thats my mother at Southern University in Louisiana with my aunt, may she rest in peace. I look at photos of my mom when she was young and I know she had to be just as clueless as I was. Not only was she probably scared but they had deafening effects of racism all around them. Somuch to deal with. I have only seen a few pics of my mother pregnant and she wasnt smiling in any of them LOL. I completely understand why now. But I think thats why I choose to smile so much in my pics I want the baby to know how happy I am its coming. I want the baby to look back and know that mama was happy. I hope the journals I write can give the balance to a seemingly 1 emotion photo.

My mom is coming down to help and although I didnt grow up with her I am looking forward to learning more about her and how it was for her when she was pregnant with me.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the typos, hunger is taking over proof reading time.

:) Nana

Where you focus is where you live

2010-01-13T07:18:00.000-08:00

Im nauseus today. Trying not to focus on it. The baby is a joy. Definitely developing a character. Prayer is a saving grace cause this Haiti situation would have hurt my heart too muich if I hadnt begun praying.

Honestly Im trying not to throw up at work right now. Can't wait to meet the baby.

*** Baby update ********

* here is a reference on 24week old fetus and mama development from a preganancy website.

This week your baby's crown-to-rump length is around 8.4 inches and your baby will weigh approximately 1.2 pounds. Although it weighs a little over a pound at this point, your growing baby is still tiny. Your uterus can easily be felt 1.5 to 2 inches above your bellybutton. The fetus does not appear to have much room in the uterus anymore, but as your pregnancy progresses, space gets much tighter! Because your uterus is expanding and putting a great amount of pressure on your abdomen, you might get stretch marks. (LORD HAVE MERCY) Your weight gain may also be taking a toll on your body at this point. Many pregnant women experience backaches(CHECK), bladder problems, sore feet and fatigue(CHECK) that affect their daily routines. You might also have some nasal stuffiness or nosebleeds(SIGH CHECK). Your baby's face is basically complete now. (AWWW) The fetus's eyes are close together on the front of his face and they are still shut. Your baby's ears have moved into their final position on the sides of his head.

Where they are now is where they will be when your baby is born! Hair will continue to grow on his scalp and his eyelashes are well developed. Most of your baby's features look the same as they will at birth. Because your growing baby is getting plumper, he no longer has room in your tummy to do cartwheels and somersaults. (PUHLEASE this baby is definitely creating opportunities where there were none LOL)Now is a good time to ask about prenatal classes being offered in your area. (WE STARTED TWO WEEKS AGO) Many local hospitals offer classes for expectant women and their families. You should aim to complete the classes approximately one month before your due date. You may sometimes get a stitch-like pain in your side from time to time. It's simply the muscles of the uterus stretching. (UHHH YEP!)

the unborn child is covered with a fine, downy hair called lanugo. Its tender skin is protected by a waxy substance called vernix. Some of this substance may still be on the child's skin at birth at which time it will be quickly absorbed. The child practices breathing by inhaling (up to a liter/day) amniotic fluid into developing lungs.

Illusion of the drug 'Normalcy'... up early again

2010-01-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

Its 3:37am and I cant sleep. From the sinuses to other audible distractions I’m thoroughly irritated thinking about struggling through another work day sleepy tomorrow. Everyone thats a parent or mom, and I do mean everyone, with a smirk or with love says “get all the sleep you can cause when the baby comes you’ll want to cry from sleep deprivation”. Little do they know this pregnancy, minus a few blissful weeks, has been riddled with sleep deprivation. Knowing there is a visual ball of joy and tears and hunger waiting for me when I get home is one thing but the frustration to know that the only company you have is a stuffy nose to distract you from a silent home and a good nights sleep is more than frustrating.

As I laid here listening to my own nose’s symphony of rhythmic struggling sounds I want to get dressed and head straight to my $25 Korean sauna house ( jejusauna.net ) and be amongst the moisture and quiet. I wanted to get the new humidifier yesterday but I was exhausted and poor Parris had a horribly busy day at work that didn’t end until 1:30am. I sat in the car for two seconds after work last night and wanted to spontaneously cry just trying to pull the tangled bag past the emergency break. Hormones, probably. I was also just so tired. And yet, I sit all day. I don’t have a strenuous job. No one really bothers me. I’m a project manager during the day. All this is not to complain.. wait nope.. take it as you will. Which brings me to my new revelation about 'normalcy' below but first my challenge update.

*****THE CHALLENGE STATUS: 365 days of prayer & meditation twice a day ****

The last nine days I have been spotty. As a triumph I actually prayed on days there were no issues no problems and no big successes. They were just days I chose to talk to God. For statistics sake I will admit it was only 3 of the 9. The other days, only once did I pray and meditate twice in a day, I merely hit up a prayer as a way to calm myself down from an irritation. And to tell you the truth it worked. I was amazed at how instantly when I spoke the truth, the childish immature truth, about how I was feeling I dropped off into a deep peaceful sleep. I’m trying on this wretched morning of clogged up sinuses, puffy eyes and a sleeping angel in my tummy to recommit, yet again, to the challenge.

Honestly, if I think about it, I believe I haven’t written in a week for two reasons, ok no, three reasons.

1. I was sick again for some of those days and for some reason when I’m sick I completely fall apart. How do people who regularly pray handle being physically sick and keeping to a prayer and meditation schedule? I have my theories about why, outside of it being human to have a hard time in general when they are sick, I can say I feel the most vulnerable and less connected to God when I’m sick.

2. I was in a crappy mood at the times I was able to write. For some reason I just don’t want to deal with hearing the ‘cheer up Anana instantly cause I said so’ sentiments I tend to get stemming from good intentions and a consciousness about the baby feeling my thoughts. I find it hilarious that people think its that easy but will go off and stay grumpy as heck as if their behavior isn’t affecting others. I know. I’m not supposed to lash out cause I’m in a coveted position that’s different. I am not them. I am affecting another life. Trust me if there is anything everyone reminds you of every second of being pregnant its that. I just want to say sometimes, your behavior if affecting someone too. What REALLY pathetic is before being pregnant, I was saying the same thing to some other pregnant woman. Maybe not as indignantly but I was saying it. Funny how life and God teaches you to have compassion. But if I constantly ignore how similar I am with folks that irritate me I don’t think Id ever get it. EVER (laughing).

3. I really had been sinking back into a belief that the challenge, in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter. Logically I knew it to not be true but I think sometimes I just get tired of trying. Tired of creating ways to improve. Tired of trying to talk about it, dig my way out of confusion alone. Even tired of initiating thought provoking conversation with friends and family who quite honestly are tired of their own stuff.

So I’d most likely say a mixture of the three reasons above is why I have not journaled honestly in the past nine days. At least, other than putting forth an honest effort, that I have done is be honest in my journal/blog about the challenge. Sigh I’ve been painfully consistent with that.

I have learned that not praying and meditating, and Im completely clear about it now, really does make for a rougher time in this world for a gal. I’ve understood more when I’ve prayed and meditated in the morning then done the same to dump the junk in the evening. It’s amazing how people bother you less, difficult circumstances are less daunting and you take on less of everyone else’s fears for you.

Crazy thing at work yesterday a co-work said, “ I cant believe you made it to work on Friday you endangered yourself and the life of your child Anana”. It annoyed me and she clearly wanted to make the profound office point so she and the others who couldn’t make it in would feel better in light of our completely unrealistic and randomly punitive CEO. I was glad I was able to brush her judgmental statement off cause I knew I was ok while driving cause the roads were clear for me. I knew I would never endanger my child. But little poisonous statements and people try to find any crack and crevasse they can during the days so you can live in fear with everyone else. No thank you.

I can say this challenge has been helping. But I will also say it’s the most nitty gritty challenge I’ve ever woke up one day in my spontaneous Gemini mind and decided to do.

An added boost to journal this time was a movie I saw and a girlfriend who sent me a text saying, “your mailbox is full and I really like your blog”. It made me smile on the inside cause she is a friend in NY that don’t get to spend much time with and to know she was reading somehow gave me a nudge. Responses have helped. When you choose a challenge, by yourself, for yourself, it’s a lonely journey cause truly no one is making you responsible and you have no company along the way. You just push on some how and thankfully reap the rewards that one day may build permanent character. I hope that translates to my baby.

*************** I thought about the drug 'normalcy' **************

OK its been a while and this is on my heart to write about.

I saw a movie that dealt with the issue of adults, all kinds, covering up the reality of situations affect on children’s emotions to satisfy their need for ‘normalcy’. If you look at the picture above you will fall in love with the idea of a happy ‘normal family’ but its all an illusion. We have happy moments and sad moments and confused moments and fearful moments. Some know that and some don’t. Some will fixate on that image and never care to think any deeper cause they are in love with the television, surface level presentation of normalcy. In my early twenties I chose to deal with (as we all have to) my own childhood frustrations and realized a lot of my push to do the challenge was also to find a center for me and the baby and my family. To not be tossed around the world of ‘normalcy’ that changes in every household, every town, every city, every country, every season of the media, with every president, with every new marketing campaign. I don’t know how ‘The Jones’’ do it. It’s amazing how powerful this idea of hiding from the real emotion of a situation can cause a family to distort a child’s ability to balance things in life later on. I see now it’s mainly because those parents have no center either. I’m currently fighting to leave that club. I don’t want that for my child. I also don’t want to be renegade mommy reacting to the plastic nature of the world so much that I confuse it with the beautiful simplicity of the world. I don’t want to be renegade mommy unless I absolutely have to be. All I can say is I hope to develop the courage I need to not feed into the ‘new normal’ every time it rears its trifling head in my life. It will confuse me and my child and not prepare it for how to navigate in a world of people who are not bad jus afraid. I don’t want it. I also don’t want to be ruled by the fear of it. Mind boggling. Thank God for prayer.

*************************************************

************ PREGGY UPDATE ************

My Body.

I believe I’ve settled into this feeling of the baby kicking a lot. It still wakes me up most times. I really like it. And as soon as I get a little used to the balance and my disappearing view of my legs, I hit another growth spurt bring the joy of stretching stomach muscles. Since I’ve started back dancing a little I’m getting my tone back in my legs cause I was on my way to having weak muscles. I’m thankful to have a little strength back after that long bed rest bout. But the fatigue is daunting at the end of the day and just going to get worse so I hear. I still am not comfortable with how general folks I don’t know fixate on my body and their hands tend to automatically gravitate to my belly. But, for those special people I have installed a wonderful counter forearm judo chop move to bypass their disrespectful approaches without asking to grope my belly. I was smooth last Saturday after teaching the class. Funny thing also is some dude was trying to ‘eye’ me after the class when my belly was covered and I spread my little black shirt open, placed my hands on my hips exposing my round red shirt decorated belly and nodded, “move on buddy I’m busy making a baby here” (laughing). The look on his face was priceless.

Help. Guidance.

Parris and I finally got to our first meeting with a Doula to discuss the baby, birth plans, our emotions, our health.. everything. I cant tell you how relieved I felt. Going into the biggest change of my life without preliminary talks and planning to the best of our ability was eating at me more than I knew. I also had been completely lost being my first pregnancy about the changes in my body and the random supportive and informative comments from friends, family and a busy doctor can NOT replace one person dedicated to supporting you. Having someone in town focused on you having a healthy, peaceful, informed journey to your birth is worth everything. I will never be pregnant for the first time again. I don’t want to spend it flapping around like an untrained swimmer expending energy on stuff that really doesn’t matter. We have a weekly appointment and will lay out the birth plan, get taught couples massage, be guided on the proper nutrition, work on pain management (I hate typing it) and many other things. I’m so excited. She is not only a doula but a massage therapist and yoga instructor. Im very very happy and thankful.

The baby.

The baby at the last checkup last week was 1lb 4oz. My mom laughs that Im gonna have a big baby. The kicks and punches are more distinct now. I can fell the difference between a punch and a kick and a roll. Its funny when the baby will punch one spot several times. Sometimes Ill push that area and the baby will keep punching back. Its so hilarious and precious to me. Im so thankful during those times that Im doing this challenge because from the hormones and physical discomforts to true life issues I can see why young mothers in turmoil could not enjoy the blessing in their belly. I used to judge them a little. Shake my head and think ‘why cant she just stop a moment and enjoy it”. I was sooo naïve. You can have brief moments of joy but they are still drowning in confusion, fear, worry and pain that can take over your life if you are young scared and lost with no support. Or, you can connect in, get guidance and help, find your space and work every day to be able to treasure the joy as a priority and make everything else less than what you share with your child cause you will never see that time again. I’m getting a small taste of it. I’m thankful for friends and family and Parris for helping to create a scenario where I can enjoy my baby cause so many mothers are not blessed with my scenario. I want to cry for them sometimes but instead I keep them in my prayers.

Labor.

Not looking forward to it. Period. But the doula and Parris made a good point about visualizing the best case scenario and not the worst. I’ve just been blocking it out with a drop of fear lurking in the corners but I will be spending much more time focusing on the best case scenario.

Baby Items.

I started my list and budget spreadsheet of what we will need and this past weekend friends and family had ready for our pick up wonderful items like the car seat and clothing and bouncey’s. My sleepless nights are now decorated with visual signs of our baby on the way. It makes me smile through my thinly aired sniffles. The items bring color to my living room and I am just too tickled about it all. I cant WAIT to see the life that’s currently jumping around in my stomach in those items. I still have to wash everything and continue the preparations but Im so thankful for all the items thus far.

Baby Shower/Blessing Way

Sigh. I have no idea. I know the mom isn’t supposed to do anything but honestly I have so many friends that occupy different social groups, family out of town etc. I worry about people being left out. I know how everyone is very busy and I don’t want folks to be stressed out over me. I was thinking I would through a family event in March (still need to lock down the location I have the band) and that way everyone can come and we can celebrate like our wedding after party. If folks want to bring gifts they can but ultimately it will just be nice for the community to get together and practice welcoming the baby as a community. Unfortunately we don’t live in a time where different communities support each other. Everything is so segregated now even when you as a person are not. I really want to do this part and then if my friend and family want to have more intimate gatherings I will graciously and happily be there. Im so thankful (sounding like broken record but I am) for my friends and family that love me.

Daddy

Daddy is catching on and playing his role. Im learning to focus on doing my part well and allow him his space and time to progress. Not praying and meditating can have me preoccupied with his activities and fearful of stuff I have no control over. I’d like to blame the hormones but I did the same thing before I got pregnant its just highlighted now with more UMPH lol. I’m thankful for his support. I know he is happy to do it cause he is “daddy” but growth ain’t easy for anyone and I have to say he really is growing. Things aren’t perfect and I forgot the pace of the growth is not always the point, but I see definite beautiful necessary and appreciated growth in him. The ride is bumpy but it is still moving …(laughing)… so I’m thankful (laughing).

One thing I am really enjoying are the funny emails and texts I get through out the day from him. I think its crazy how when you strip a scenario of all the excess fat, in just a few words you can see someone’s heart for what it truly is. I do love him. It is the little things sometimes in a friendship that matter the most.

****************************************

Thanks for dealing with the typos and random topics lol. I really appreciate you reading.

Nana Bear

I had a dream last night

2010-01-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night and wanted to wake up and immediately write about it. Please forgive the randomness. I dreamed of a few things (like science community award ceremonies for astronauts lol sorry I have no idea why but that's how dreams go) before the most memorable and impactful part.

There was an old Haitian woman with a son. The son was in love with another not so old woman but the older than him who had 3 grown children who did not trust the son. They thought he was trying to take advantage of their mother. They were mean to him and he had to sneak around to see the woman he loved. The older Haitian woman was reading a series of books and in each of the books she said there were three women who had stories of overcoming grave scenarios. Scenarios that would buckle the knees of a normal person. She wrote to the women in the stories and asked them to send her a piece of fabric they treasured. They did. The woman was constructing a beautiful quilt where each of the squares represented the three women from each of the books. The old Haitian woman with the son said to me in my dream, "there are stories and women who have changed the world and it has never been recorded nor remembered. In this quilt I do both and all will be well."

I looked at the quilt and wondered what I was doing in my life to 'make all well'. I walked through the weathered house, watched the dripping sink then, saw the son standing with his child, a daughter in hand through a corridor to another room. They were both draped in youthful dark chocolate healthy glimmering skin. She had on a blue and white dress and he in red and blue pants. They weren't big or small in size. He knelt down and told her something. She went and laid down in the bed. Then he looked at me and smiled. The woman he loved's three grown male children were in the yard outside the kitchen window laying on lawn chairs listening to the ending of a song that began a language other than English and ended with the acapella 'Amen' ending that began with a high pitched AHHhh, then a mid pitched joined Ahhh, and a third lower Meeeehhhnn. As the notes came to an end they both rose at the same time and headed toward the kitchen window whee there was an old school double deck black tape recorder with the read record button.

The grown children pressed stop on the tape recorder. One said to the other, "is that the end?" The other replied, " yep, that's the end". They looked at me and said, "that's the end"

As I turned around I saw the Old Haitian woman's son had married the woman he loved and moved in. The money he contributed helped to save their home from being taken and his mother, the old Haitian woman, pointed to the quilt, with printed and hand painted images, and said, "That's the end Anana".

I woke up and typed this.

I usually pay attention to my dreams. They offer answers sometimes I'm looking for from elders I cant talk to anymore. Elders that tend to simplify things and yank me back down to the bear nuts and bolts of life.

My sister left this morning early on a 6am flight. I could barely fall asleep cause I knew when I woke up she had to leave. My heart was sad to see her go cause her energy and love and close proximity made me feel like the worries I had were doable tasks that just needed to be checked off the list. I cried a bit just so I could go to sleep and then next thing I knew it was time to take her to the airport.

On the way back, my lip poked out as if I was alone and let it out again. I knew I needed to so I could go back to my life and still enjoy the blessings I have here. Its hard to appreciate your blessings when you are busy bottling up being sad.

So, I let it out. I wondered how I pushed for so long with my family when my family made me feel so good. How in the world?

Well, New Years Eve, the elder in me told me to call just a few people who have really supported me to drop by and meet my sister. Somehow I wanted her to meet the people who have been there for me and for people to meet her. She took 7 days of her busy life and spent them with me. I was thankful cause at 27 people want to go to Jamaica and relax before going back to deal with their jobs.

We had a very mini potluck. I was already tired so I couldn't handle anything big but something in me must have sewn together a quilt of people to see for myself as a reminder of how lucky I am to have these editions in my life, in Atlanta. I had to combine them with her, the sole rep of my blood relatives to see, I guess according to the dream, "this is it".

I can type on and on about the get together. The food, the family connections we found rooted in Louisiana happily dialing cell phones to confirm links in my Atlanta living room. Or the little young people who celebrated their New Year and talked about new revised board games that blew our minds. Even the men who graciously cleaned the kitchen for all of us when the fried bread, new years greens, eggs and fruit were all done curbing our hunger. But truly I most remember the entire quilt. The big picture that it took a dream to remind me that "this is it". They are all, each patch a blessing and by showing up in more ways than one are giving me the strength to have this baby with some Faith. That's how I celebrated the last day of Kwanzaa, my niece's name and others, "Imani".

If you couldn't make it, and have been there for me, just know you are still in my quilt and I love you.

I am very full and thankful and now off to do my daily prayer and meditation.

I feel like I should type, "Namaste" and Happy New Year.

**************** The Challenge ****************

Because of my busy days with work, my sister, organizing the storage unit and cleaning up the house before the new year, sleep has been what I have been meditating on and the prayers have been from the reclining position. LOL. I am working on consistency yet, yielding to the needs of my body have been taking precedence which has not happened much before I got pregnant.

My prayers have been potent though cause as I reclined and sat up these past few days with Parris gone and have been able to get to my honest concerns quicker. My thoughts during the day are becoming less fearful and I'm feeling the Creator's presence more and more. God feels more accessible during my daily activities than when I began this journey. Not as near as I'd like but definitely more accessible. I'm thankful and will keep trucking.

**************** Pregnancy Update **************

I CANT BELIEVE IM HAVING A BABY THIS YEAR! 2010.. A BABY.. TO TAKE HOME NOT BABYSIT LOL crazy.

Belly.

I finally ordered a jazzy belly wrap to help my little sore muscles out. I also am determined after getting my hair done to hit the mall for a nice pair (to add to what I have) of maternity jeans. COMFORT IS EVERYTHING these days.

People.

Well, I now see that beefing up on people who love and support you is how you deal/cope/love from a far people who are confused and spit negative energy to you. I will follow that formula to a tee. It makes me want to spend more time building up my house as my new cousin Kamilah says and less time on anything else. I think I see now why as a single person I saw people who had families and kids as sectioning themselves off too much. I had NO idea how hard it was to muster up the energy to grow a healthy family AND fight off those who want company in their misery. It takes energy to protect your household and the spirit of a community that has been broken so many times from the outside in and the inside out. I see that now.

Food.

I will try more raw food this week and Sunday Ill hunt for that Alkaline water. Don't want my baby's body being so acidic so early. I need to balance it with alkaline food too but I have a session coming up with a woman and friend who helps with birth preparation, nutrition .. all of that. I'm looking forward to it.

Daddy.

Parris did a lot this week moving his mom here and he is so tired. I'm proud of him. I see I like seeing him work hard and I also like seeing him get the rest he needs. Funny how we begin to love the fighter in our partner along with the spirit that needs rest just like you. I cant wait to see us as parents. Still nervous but cant wait.

Baby.

Sigh. Id like to think that there is a mixture of circumstantial happenings mixed with true mama-baby communication but I KNOW this child is communicating with me through all these kicks and movements. I ask him/her questions and wait for an answer. We chat throughout the day and I'm feeling a sense of the baby's personality coming through. I'm learning the baby is active clear and definite. LOL that may be all babies but it sure is mine so far. It truely is its own person. I clearly am just a loving vessel and am reminded of that every time I push the eating timelines. LOL I love my baby.

Marriage.

At the get together there were a few other couples there and we spoke about marriage being like being in the trenchs LOL. I have NO idea how hard or pleasurable or both it will get when the baby comes but I am glad I have a little support here and abroad cause truly, its just too hard without it. The fact that Im JUST beginning a prayer regime probably have a lot to do with its difficulty but Im gonna venture to type its just hard in general. This year I will be even more strategic about my prayer, meditation and spending time with people who are building up my family and not just selfishly taking from it. Marriage is too hard to hold down for me to not have a plan like that. LOL And let me add the rewards of growing a family are too great for me to not work hard on myself and work hard protecting the happiness and "all is well" in my household.

Day 11 & 12.. Whew.. Back in the saddle

2009-12-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

* me this morning 12/29/09... LOOK HOW BIG I AM !!! Im not even 6 months yet! LOL

Ok so its late and Im up. Let me say I am growing!!!!!!! LOLOLOL I KNOOOW its a beautifu journey and all yet I still feel like Im LARGE LOL. Not a bad thing just a fact on how it physically feels. People are so worried I think poorly of my physique. I dont. lol. It is just such a rapid drastic amazing change of your body contorting before your eyes every day. I will just say instead of "Im getting so big" .. " I am amazed by the changes in my body". Hows that :) Words are powerful.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
---Nyota Olugbala

OK my friends back to the challegne....

********** The Challenge: 365 Days Prayer and meditation twice a day ***************
Side note*** I realize I skipped writing about Day 6& 7. I did have excellent prayers and mediations on those days but only once on each cause I was getting sick and flirting with jumping off the challenge wagon LOL.

Soooooo, Im back in the saddle. My first full recovery day to prayer and meditation twice a day on Days 11 and 12.

Day 11 My prayer was good. Exposing. I like how honest I am in prayer. I had a build up of those other days. I see why muslims pray 5 times a day LOL. You need it LOL. I lie so far how I keep it simple and dont ramble like Im talking to my girlfriends. I seem to start with God, I would like help with this fear I have of ... and then somehow I naturally phase into a period of thanks for stuff. Meditation was excellent. I am developing an affinity for this technique I was shown of the Ohm sound. It helps me when I dont feel like putting on a CD of chants. Ofcourse people who chant get to the point where they chant themselves and know what they are saying but Im not there yet LOL so I guess the Ohm has worked out. When I watched the birthing movie "The Business of Being Born" I heard the women during labor and thats what it basically sounded like they were hitting. That low tone humming. One of my good friends allowed me to be a part of her natural water birth and it ... was ... beautiful. Out of no where women started singing ".. hooold ooon.. just a liitle while while longer..." over and over again. I , mean, it, was, beautiful. Anyway, I see these connections to singing and it really speaks to me. The only thing about Day 11 is I didnt feel well so my day ended with a reclining prayer and meditation. I still felt good about it but something in me said, "does it count? (lol) do I get a pregnancy pass for feeling bad? (lol)".

Day 12
Today. Today felt magical Ill tell you why. I really listened to my body and spirit and woke up to pray. I did. I was just bottled up with a few things and needed to express my fears. See them for what thy were. I was trying to pull down a few road blocks. A little confusion was playing out like a lot of confusion in my mind and luckily the prayer reminded me who was more powerful. I heard a friend say the other day that your relationship with God is like a partner dance on the floor (and this person wasnt even a salsa person). She said fighting letting God lead your life was like back leading on the dance floor. Its always much harder if you dont let the lead lead. You tussle and fight and no one has fun cause you are always afraid of what you are not controlling. I got it. It made since to me. I was constantly snatching my hands back from God, seeing God do dope moves and still questioning God's talent. The Creator has more moves than I can count ono the dancefloor and proved it every time. I get surprised like a naive child and then catch amnesia until the next tusseling go 'round. Hilarious, time wasting and true.

Anyhoo, I thought of that and began to really try to "surrender" on the dancefloor of life with God as my lead. I finally felt a "calm certainty" a loose freedom that honestly ( as corny as it seems) felt magical. The prayer went well. The meditation was also excellent. I ohm'd my way into a rinsed feeling and focused more on my breathing. I tried to take in more air. In the past the nausea made me breathe in a shallow way cause Id vomit if you thought about brushing past my stomach. Its nice now to breathe deep and it just be about breathing. I did and when I exhaled I hit up that Ohm. It was nice. I felt a little high at the end and I laid back down cause I needed it. Then I began the hussle of starting my day.

At night, tonight, I did the same and was able to dump this situation on the lap of my lead and pray my lead would wisk the nonsense OFF the dancefloor and bring me back to whats really real. People spreading fear and negativity have no power. They only attract those who want fear and negativity. I think thats false power but I needed that prayer to help me see that was the case in that particular situation. I also was reminded I cant control anyone and how they want to feel. I prayed to let people be negative if they want to be. I clearly have had my fair share of contributing to negative energy so I should not see myself as better than them. I prayed to release that and let me tell you it took a second. I would not have been able to get to sleep if I hadnt released it. In the past I would have just turned on the tv and try to block/bury it all out.

GARBAGE CONTENT MONITOR

I have decided to set up a "Garbage Content Monitor" to carry through out the day. Often 'garbage content' and garbage content exchanges can be egotistically seen as, "hmm Im adding my peaceful perspective to conversation that otherwise would have no balance.. ON FACEBOOK LOLOLOL" Yes I was enticed and jumped in with two feet on a video post that the comments focused on the negative plight of African Americn single women. I think I have a special passion and irritation for how hard people come down on single black women like being married comes with instant wisdom and a level of perfection that far surpasses the lowly single woman. Ridiculous. I was annoyed at some of the comments not because facts were skewed but because the tone was, as usual, so comfortably negative. Ok soo upon request I watched this video (typical dooms day report on the state of black folks), read the responses and .. sigh.. commented, then replied.. sprinkled a few ".. if you dont have anything nice to say keep it to yourself.." LOL so sad Nana.. why! LOL. It just went on from there. I realized 1) I was trying to find a way to point out peoples negativity (translation control thier perspective of African Americans) and 2) indirectly express my personal fear of people being mean to my future African American baby. (handled that one in the prayer)

I spent WAY more time on that 'garbage content' and fear filled exchange than I did talking to my baby today. The Garbage Content Monitor has now been activated. Whether Im "right" or "wrong" regarding the "debate" it was garbage cause it did not add to me nor my baby and the people I was engaging with could care less about the things I was passionate about regarding black folks. NOW I rememebr why I avoid those discussions LOL. Maybe I just neeed a reminder.

Like I said Garbage Content Monitor on. I must not take in more garbage than nourishing uplifting words in a day and I must transmit the postivity to my baby as well. Id love to maintain or just project an image of perfection to quiet the preachy people who constantly bombard me with ".. dont d this... and you are pregnant.. and dont do that ." The preachiness only speaks to my mind. If you want to pray with me and add positve words to my baby, the door is always open. This honesty Im typing is helping. Garbage shall never be greater than nourishment in a day. IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN LOLOL.

****************************************************************

**********************Preganacy Update************************

Sigh so....

Food.

The baby woke me up at 3am tnis morning. I tried to think hmm... maybe the baby doesnt want me to get up for food maybe I shoud lay here a while cause Im tired! LOL That didnt work. Nana got up. Nana is blogging while her food digests. I did get a wonderful package from a friend. A BEAN PIE left at the concierge. I felt the love Jabez was talking about. I am turning the corner. lol. Ah food. People keep asking me about cravings and honestly they arent that 'weird'. I did however today, shock myself and have barbeque potato chips ( an ongoing crowd favorite) with vanilla coconut ice cream. I guess Ive joined the weird bunch but Ill only blog about it. LOL

People.

Hmmm still working on balance with this one. I am being much more honest about stuff so its been different. As I was telling my friend Sharon I would always tell the truth .. if you asked me.. but by and large I really just wanted everyone to be happy and spent more energy pleasing folks than taking care of me. All my choice and fault. Ree said it right when she mentioned the pregnancy is activating a journey or transformation. I am finally not fighting it. I have surrendered and accepted seeing my flaws and blogging about them(still a punch in the gut). But, it seems to be shrinking the shame I have for my flaws. I still worry about being a fear driven mommy (my greastest worry) so Im hoping to improve on that with this challenge. My baby deserves my 100% effort. I now am focusing much more than ever before in my life on people who are giving and taking. Different sifting out the takers but Im definitely doing it.

My belly.
A funny story. A lady at a gathering recently walked in front of me (I did know her but we are not best buds by far) and while looking straight ahead and not at me she glided her hand past my stomach as if she was like a dude grazing your butt at a club and kept going. Hilarious and strange. Can I just say that has to be the weirdest thing that has happened to me since Ive been pregnant. Some women say give it up people will touch your belly with out asking and others say protect your belly. I was shocked. My mom would have chopped her hand away LOL Louisiana women (old school ones) dont like ANYONE touching the belly. She caught me off guard lol.

Cleaning house.
I put a call out requesting a few guy friends of Parris and I to come by tomorrow morning and help me lift items to move into storage and from storage into trash or give away. All four guys are coming. Im so thankful. See Jabez :) I do ask and I am very aware of the support. My butt just hurts from being dropped on it (lololol) by a few folks I thought would come after I called for help. Ill get more mature about. I think I need a few more prayers, meditations and blogs. lol. But the guys will get a good thank you breakfast out of it. Making room for the baby. Very glad to be cleaning house.

OK time for bed... as always thanks for reading and my deepest apologies for the typos LOLOL. I found out my sister in law reads my blogs and I am sooo happy cause I think she is fabulous and I want to find a way to be closer too her. Even if its just through me sharing on the blog. Thanks Brandy.

Leave a comment yall just say hi or something so I know atleast you are reading. :)

Night.. I mean morning.

Day 8, 9 and 10...So I had a cold

2009-12-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

*chart of US ranking pretty badly in the list of infant mortality rates compared to other developed countries. this image references my preggy update below. Source: CDC

I am now realizing that last week, when I was feeling bad, I had a cold. I was feeling bad cause I had a cold mixed with the joys of pregnancy. Its all so confusing when the experience is new for you. The bliss of a baby in your belly is very very nice and the discomfort is highly underrated and under discussed. I guess cause every woman has a different experience, but still. Cramping, nose bleeds... sigh... I digress.

********* The challenge: 365 days of prayer and meditation twice a day **********

Day 8, Friday, Christmas Day, I only prayed once in the morning. I was thankful for the day off from work to spend without major deadlines and chill with the hubby. It was a busy day filled with goooood food. I personally am not a big Christmas person but I am a big family person so I enjoyed getting together with folks. I was giddy about my little sister coming down so I looked forward to that but had to send of the hubby to Houston to grab the fabulous mother in law (not looking for points she really is fabulous). There was a lot of sugar that day and a little bit of salt but overall, a good day. Prayer would have helped a lot with the salt. It was nothing but a pile of confusion and fear about things not improving. What if the stuff you want to improve doesn't. What if what if what if... I should have prayed.

Day 9, Saturday, I slept most of the day kicking the last of the cold and pretty uncomfortable in general. Not one prayer nor meditation. Just a ride to the airport twice, a lip poked out saying bye to Parris and some ear to ear smiling seeing my cutie pie little sister at baggage claim. I wish all my sisters could have come but 'dats life'. I cant say I felt really bad. I think the time with my sister on Saturday gave me so much happiness like the 'instant gratification hound' I am I was satisfied and chose not to formally pray and meditate. I say that because the purpose of the challenge was to not just prayer when things are bad or momentarily good but as a discipline. I got a taste of sunshine and did not think twice about dumping the challenge. I'm not happy about it. But it happened.

Day 10, Sunday, again, woke up ready to spend the day with my sister. She's a grown woman indeed but I cant help still seeing both of my little sisters as 4 year olds. Even though in many ways they are more mature than me. It was so nice to just hang with her. Listen to her and hear what I can do to add to her life. I quickly was reminded this trip was for both of us. That night, actually throughout the day, I thought about my challenge. I honestly thought .. oh well I'm happy about my sister. Things aren't perfect but for the moment I'm happy. In my heart I knew that was not enough. I knew it was the typical temporary fix I get from people I care about that cant compare to the past sessions of prayer and meditation Ive had. It just cant compare. Its crazy cause, spending special time with people used to be the end all to be all. Well, that and dancing. I now know much better, but I don't know how to incorporate the two on a more regular basis. Guess I have my topic for my next prayer/meditation.

Not to mention, I am still clueless as to how to be peaceful at work all day. I surely need to pray for and meditate on that one. Leave it to work and co-workers to insite the need for prayer LOL.

Getting back on the challenge horse. Immediately. Today is Day 11. I will get my prayer and mediation on.

The journey. I read so much about it being about the journey so I wont beat up on myself for the last few days cause I clearly see a difference. I would not have known the difference if I hadn't slacked on the challenge. But I truly want a bit more peace and today I got quite irritated when I didn't get my way so I absolutely need to work on the EGO...(Erasing God Out) as Dr. Barbara would say. Prayer definitely has helped with reducing my elusive ego. How do I take care for myself without over indulging in myself? On day at a time I guess.. again Ill pray about it LOL.

Oh and my "talk less assignment" I received during meditation last week. I did use it randomly. It helped a lot. I need to keep that party going LOL.

A WORD ABOUT CONTENT

In one of my previous posts I talked about content or knowledge and how I needed to research/read more. I read some things in the past, talked to people and simply because of my surroundings I kept hearing "read the bible". Well before the challenge I started reading it. Genesis. I only got up to Abraham getting his "ham" extension and Lot and his daughters part EGHH! But I will begin again. And add my thoughts (like they matter but its nice to discuss).

I also read the basic info on Buddhism. I have thoughts. I'm gonna dedicate a section to content/knowledge/readings in this blog and if anyone ever wants to chat about it please let me know. The content will give me something to ponder other than my confusing daily activities. lol

Now... for comic relief mixed with some serious religious content I have been listening 2pm - 3pm to a daily talk radio show "Talk What Cha Know" on http://www.wbok1230am.com/. Its hosted from a Christian perspective but no comment/caller/topic has been off limits. It's out of New Orleans and let me tell you the callers are HILARIOUS! Some are serious but 50% of the time the callers are hilarious!!!!!! The content is pretty good too. Just a note.

****************************************************************************

*****************Pregnancy Update *******************************

Movies

So I recently, last night, saw the movie "The Business of Being Born". I already knew America was one of the WORST when it came to child birth complications and mortalities IN THE DEVELOPING COUNTRIES. Yes, ONE OF THE WORST. I not only saw a few documentaries prior to getting pregnant, but in the past but I took a sex ed class where I was re-educated on how poorly our birthing and infant mortality statistics are in this country. I highly recommend the movie and it has me wanting to give birth at home unless there are complications of course. But we are on the 16th floor in a high rise with an elevator that could give out at the wrong time so Ill be in the hospital. I just don't want the drugs at all. I'm sure at some point Ill want to delete this phrase on the blog but I want my process to be unaffected and NOT susceptible to the same errors that PUT the US on the list of the worst places to give birth. I doubt a hospital will let me go without any drugs and I cant give birth in the condo... so... the jury is out but Mama Nana will find an answer. That's for sure.

http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/

Emotions.

I'm a bit irritable in general today but I think its because the cold is making the general pregnancy issues a bit more aggravating. I'm definitely not experiencing the flu or anything but my fatigue level ain't no fun. Cant WAIT for Jeju! http://www.jejusauna.net

Food.

Sigh... the same. I'm going to find my Doula soon. I'm tired of guessing and making random phone calls. I need a bit of regular, formal support. Clearly free styling alone in Atlanta is not getting it.

I do need to get some Alkaline water. Soon.

The Baby.

This baby is turning into a regular kicking and squirming machine. All this energy is great. Keeps me up but its great. Kick away so I know you are still with me little one.

People.

Sigh. Prayer and meditation makes this part a lot easier. I'm realizing so much now how imbalanced some of my friendships have been. I love giving but I see now that in some cases it was primarily one sided.

I am surely refining my priorities list quicker these days. A whole new world lately for me. Very different. This is truly a rites of passage experience with NO ELDERS around to guide me. LOL. No fair, but at least Ill be here for my daughter one day.

I can say this reminds me also of when I got married. For some reason it didn't matter what I said some friends disappeared, completely. I still called repeatedly but I learned then painfully that when my life changes some people change how they deal with you. And there's nothing you can do about it. People can bounce for many reasons but I guess no one can take away prayer and meditation.

Body.

This muscles in your stomach stretching out thing causes pain. Somethig else that is rarely mentioned. I don't like it LOL. The baby's growth spurts are my BELLY growth spurts LOL. funny what you don't put together fully until its your turn. I have no idea why I didnt think Id feel this ENTIRE process to this extent. Most women who have gone through this already are so unimpressed by my

The other thing is, all these physical changes are reminding me everyday this is my own singular journey. People staring and grabbing my stomach without asking (still annoying)
is just something I have to deal with alone. Just like those BLESSED labor pains in route. LOL

In the video I really liked them speaking about "the wall" or the rock and a hard place. The point during labor every woman apparently reaches that she realizes

1. it hurts too much to push
and..
2. if I don't push Ill be pregnant even longer

She says its then that you bear down and become who you always have been.

They speak about it as just as hard as it seems but a moment in a woman's life when she learns how powerful she really is. The midwife also talks about missing that doesn't make you less of a woman at all. I feel like some emotional and relationship challenges feel that way.
Pushing through pain in LIFE is hard.. if you want to grow and deliver a new situation.

Its so sad some of us don't have a more ingrained network of women or men to support and guide us through life like "in the old days". Nothing is EVER perfect so I know the "old days" weren't perfect. But I really wish we could take the good from the past and help each other out more. I think I'm gonna do some research.

Creating a sense of comfort from nothing can sometimes feel damn near impossible. But I'm learning its not impossible it just FEEEEEEELS that way Sighhhhhh. There is so much I was never taught that I had to learn on my own but that movie inspired me to believe a little more in myself. I can do this.

Day 5... 1st incompletion of challenge

2009-12-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

*mmm I made this last night and it put a smile on my face

Day 5. Tuesday Dec 23rd. The challenge of prayer and mediation twice a day only .. only ½ done for the first time. Its 2am and I cant sleep. I don’t feel well. I can’t tell anymore what it is. My body is doing 27 things all at once and I cant event figure out whats going on LOL. Headache, definitely, I know I hugged a co-work that had a cold. What was I thinking.

Well, I had my first day not completing the challenge. I only did half a day. The challenge is 365 days of prayer and mediation twice a day. I woke up in the morning and was really tired. (So bored with typing that lol) I shuffled around until I was barely ready for work. If Parris would not have helped me make lunch and breakfast I would have walked right out unprepared gearing up to spend unnecessary money.

So far doing activities after work really drain me. ANY activity. The fatigue seems to put me right back into limited activity but nothing compares to the frustration of bedrest (lol).

The holiday visit rounds are coming and the talk of Christmas, its origins etc have begun. But first my half accomplishment of the challenge.

***************** Prayer & Meditation****************

In the morning I just was tired and didnt pray at all. I thought to myself, "Im tired. What will happen REALLY if I just dragged myself to work sleepy. I went to work as normal and had an ok day. I drove around like a lost puppy after work trying to figure out dinner and I ended up at Whole Foods or “Whole Paycheck” as my friends and I call it. I knew what I had a taste for and it was that picture up above. Pan fried French bread in olive oil and butter with grilled tomatoes shrimp onions and orange peppers and a little marinara sauce. It was my first time experimenting on a new dish in a while and yes, I saw it on the movie, it was delicious. Parris and I had dinner and sat together. A long day really requires a good meal at the end and a calm moment. It was really nice. I was so tired I conked out.

The day almost passed but I woke up late in the night to wake up from feeling bad. I think I really had junk that I needed to talk out. It was on me and feeling bad late at night triggered the need. My stomach must be having a growth spurt or I just need to sleep a bit. I looked at Parris and like often decided not to wake him and take my path of womanhood alone that night (lol). I figured Id save up for when I’m really large. It is hard to see him sleeping like a Nyquil commercial but I pried myself up and began my normal inhouse shuffle of feet trying to come up with an answer. I looked to my left in the living room and wanted to see my great grandmother. I wanted her to tell me how to feel better so I could get some sleep. My lip poked out as if it was really possible and fussing to myself I caved and decided to pray. I have no idea why I chose to fight it. I think its basic lack of belief in its benefits. I sat and talked to God. I was honest. I sorted it out and yapped and cried and said thank you. I heard myself say things that weren’t ok. I talked and talked. I started to hear more balance. My frustration with the physical discomfort was clouding my vision and memory. The prayer helped me remember the whole picture. The full story. I felt better and thought I heard someone say “you are ok”. I was. Then I meditated. It started off more like a mental prayer and so I shifted so I could receive. I did and got a message to talk less in these next days. Its amazing the energy talking takes from you. I definitely got that message and will oblige. Lucky I have this blog that not many read LOL to express myself.

******** Pregnancy Update ******************

People.

I am beginning to feel like a stuffed show pony. Peoples eyes gloss over and they don’t see a person they see a pregnant person. Not those close to me but ‘associates’. They want to touch your belly. That’s it. Like your belly is some sort of portal to happiness you are keeping from them. I feel really hypocritical because I was one of those greedy selfish people. My eyes glossed over and I completely ignored the woman and focused straight on the miracle of a whole new person with no issues no judgement no fear no hate and extrememly close to God within my arms reach. I however had the common courtesy to not touch… sigh… What do you do when you live in a society where everyone plays by different rules. You become a RULER LOL… no really. I loved wizzing by too fast for folks to break any rules but no.... now people come out of the woodworks and forwardly impress what they think is ok in you. So, I am getting much better with smiling and saying “please keep your greedy stinking hands to yourself” hahahaha. Just Kidding but I am getting better at setting boundaries. My mama protectiveness has definitely kicked in big time,

Baby.

This baby is very special. Im sure every mom thinks this. Its amazing the character you feel in their kicking and punching. It’s the first experience of knowing you have absolutely no control over this little being lol. It has its own life and own ideas. "What Anana... too sleepy to get up and fix a three course meal? "Pfff , the baby says "get your butt up and make it happen mama" through its psychic control and swift kicks lolol. I feel like Im in an old Star Trek episode being led by mind control by a wonderful being I don’t even see LOL. I used to love Star Trek.

My Body.

What can I say.. God is no joke. Its amazing how your body changes. Before the only changes I had was an uncomfortable pelvis and a standard of vomiting that could make you think it was something Id been doing for years. Now, well lets just say these wonderfully visible (and Im being sarcastic cause I miss my ability to blend in) I have expanded more than I ever thought possible. He signs for what is weird is considered normal. Other pregnancy veterans look at my little issues I have now like, “Girl please” lol not very comforting so I try to take the changes with the grace of everyone else. I don’t think its working. LOL.

Food.

I have no idea what Im doing. But I can tell you I’m hungry as I type. Yep, baby kicking,. 2:51am and this vintage Star Trek girl is following orders, heading to the stove. Have a great day!

Content Matters Days 3, 4 and 4.5

2009-12-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

*my mother, me and my older sister

So I have successfully completed 4 FULL days of the challenge and trust me, it has not been easy. As a reminder I am praying and meditating twice a day for 365 days. I didn't want to stress myself out so there are no stipulations as to when or how just to do it. I explained in earlier blogs my background and how I have no stable history of spiritual or religious practice but I wanted to create something for myself as Nana first then as a mother and then for my baby. I wanted to have something to say other than God exists and loves us more than we love ourselves more often than not. My only stipulation is to be honest in these journals/blogs. Now, honestly speaking I still don't feel fabulous about the process. Not in the least bit. Not only do I get to read over my constant typo's as I attempt to complete blogs between work, eating sleeping and daily life stuff but I also get the delightful treat of honesty. Yes that wonderful experience of seeing the truth of who you are thrown back at you like a punch to the gut. Gasping for air I step out of myself and imagine others watching me do it and its not pretty. But I tell you I'm learning with this barbaric and enlightening experience that content matters.

*************** The Challenge Day 3 & 4 *****************

On day 3, I fell into the TV watching first habit. I felt sick that Sunday morning and completely reverted to the bed rest behavior of trying to ignore feeling physically horrible. I learned on day three that when I feel physically bad I completely fall apart spiritually. I remember thinking during the height of the nausea and vomiting that God wasn't stronger than pregnancy nausea. HORRIBLE I KNOW. But I honestly thought that. I could not see past that feeling. I felt like I had poison in my veins. Sounds extreme I know but I felt just that bad. Sunday I didn't regress that much but just a hint of feeling bad and apparently I'm programmed to run to the TV. Well I waited and laid and waited and considered drugs (nausea medication) and laid and chatted with a few friends until I got a text from my friend whose father was in the hospital asking for prayer. I took it as a sign. I got right up, turned off the TV and prayer for her dad then starting my daily obligation to myself and you. I did feel a little better afterwards but most of all I felt a motivation to get my day started whether I felt sick or not. So I did.

The end of the third day I got home late again and almost didn't make but did my first sleepy and groggy prayer and meditation, then knocked out.

Day 4 was the same, I chose to turn on the TV first instead of praying. I think the lack of formal pressure to "order" the challenge gave me some freedom. I liked it. But I knew I always felt better when I prayed first. Its amazing how it feels like a long time during the prayer and meditation but when you arise not much time has passed.

I spent the day going to the doctors and feeling this little person in my belly kick and punch as if it was in some triathlon competition. I could not figure out what in the world it could be doing that inspired so much kicking LOL. The doctor put in her guess for a boy based on the fact she had to chase my little one around my belly like it was a four bedroom house or something just to get the heartbeat. She said girls are much calmer than that and that boys are definitely more active. All I could think about was dance class and sports practice.

When I arrived at work, still sleepy as usual, I found myself thinking a lot about my baby and its life. I realized that I was developing a fear of other people judging my child for various reasons. His/hers looks, behavior, parents, beliefs etc. I wondered why I was so sure the baby would be judged. Why I had recently become so instantly prepared for the negative. In the past I knew the negative was there but it wasn't my first choice. After feeling forgotten I seem to have a darker perspective of people than before and I need to get rid of it as my primary thought. I could care less if you had a nasty attitude before and now I feel most people have it hidden and when you most need them they may not be there. Its almost ridiculous cause simultaneously I had people come through who I was so happy did and some I had no idea cared that much. Why do we primarily remember the bad? Why do we primarily react to the bad. Why do we believe the bad more than the good?

I'm perplexed these days. I came out of the position f truly needing help feeling more vulnerable than when I really needed the help. I know people have good in them, but how to you keep from getting hurt? How do you protect yourself. I used to think I was a good judge of character but this past experience has taught me I may be a good judge of character but I still know not a dog on thing about people. I now know why some folks don't share one drop of information about themselves. Why they withdraw or take 20yrs to open up to people. I guess that's why people liked Jesus so much because the bad that happened to him (as the story is written) didn't harden his heart. He did not withdraw and only see bad in people. Bad things have happened to me and I have not withdrawn as much as I wanted to withdraw this time. Not sure why.

I prayed and meditated this morning, the first half of day 5. I figured something out. It seems simple but I have learned that content matters. I prayed this morning and out of no where my favorite poem came to mind, "Our Deepest Fear".

I recited it from memory and it really helped to ground my prayer. I thought I was afraid to trust people and friends again but I really learned from that prayer I trusted them too much. We are all flawed. Definitely me. Why should I place so much in other people when the only perfect Ive found so far is the grace of God through experiences channeled by the same flawed people at moments, only moments in life. There is nothing constant and sure about any of us. In my prayer I realized we all feel fear. I need a bit more compassion and forgiveness for people. That's what I learned from my prayer and mediation this morning.

*****************************************************************************

The content of my prayer needs to now involve more. I have no idea what that will be. I need to re institute the research I started before I got pregnant on Christianity, Buddhism, Islam and so on. Do I even need to choose a religion? Who knows. So many people are freestyling but I just want to be held accountable and notice my own growth. I need more information to build more content to my character and to my prayer/meditation challenge. To learn more about how I should be absorbing people. How far to take them in, when and how to protect myself. I have no idea how. I have two ways of living so far, loving 100% or withdrawing 100%. I know that wont work. I need to find a happy medium that doesn't involve so much fear.

This darn challenge is making me too honest LOL. Is that possible. I do want balance. I don't want to be 100% in or 100% out. I am feeling 100% into this challenge and hopefully one day I can feel worthy enough, have the content of character to be 100% into the Creator.

I feel the content of the Creator, in my mind heart and body at least, when I dance, feel the baby kick, see the strength of my sisters, remember the sacrifice my father made, listen to a musicians loose themselves, watch an artist paint, am forgiven when I didn't deserve it, forgive truly someone who who care less if I forgave them or hear my nieces and nephews laugh. I know its there. I just need more of a relationship with it.

Content Content Content. Now I know why there is religion. People want to control content cause content shapes your journey. I guess another word is knowledge.

Sigh, well I have 361.5 days to go. I pray I will absorb some content that helps to balance me, my baby and add to my family.

I'm quite sure I rambled this time. Thanks for be so kind as to read and comment. It really means a lot.

Calmly,

Nana

********** Pregnancy Update ************

Baby.

This baby is very very active. If you push out your tongue to your cheek semi-fast, that's what it feels like in my tummy when the baby kicks. Sometimes fast sometimes slow. I am treasuring every second of it. I wish I had an ultrasound machine in my house Id watch it every day.

Saw the doctor yesterday and got the "OK" on movie theater noise levels AND spinning when I salsa. She said it doesn't hurt the baby at all. I'm soooooo glad. Off to the dance I go!

Food.

I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing regarding food but I know I need more veggies. I'm getting better with balancing my meals though. I used to eat to play it safe with my stomach so Id get something in there. But now I need to eat more healthy since the baby is accepting more stuff.

People.

People want to touch my stomach. A lot! I remember wanting to touch preggy bellies but asking first. Why do people feel its ok to just grab at you. So different. This one lady did it so I grabbed her stomach and played with it too. It didnt go over too well. LOL but I made my point.

Marriage.

Marriage feels different now. You hear people talk about change. Some people talk about it with arrogance. Some people talk about it with a sense of "misery loves company", and others talk about it as it being just as beautiful as the love you feel now not better not greater just with more depth. I really think ( and they hubby is in agreement) that marriage is so much work it should be called labor. Cause the pain is 100% a part of it. But now that the baby is coming, the big push I had been preaching about "family perspective" and connecting with family is now coming to reality. Funny how you learn in marriage its not about you being right but about the end result finally happening. Im sure we havent begun to brush the tip of the iceberg but Im glad there are people not just watching us like a tv show to entertain them. Im glad there are people who want to a part of our family and care enough to remember this is brand new for us and it take a village to raise a child and a marriage. I can only hope they see it that way.

Work.

I'm just glad I dont know whats around every corner and have started praying cause being forced to be around people you would never hang out with .... need I finish? LOL

The Poem

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Big Smiles - Day 2

2009-12-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

*Me and my little sister. I cant wait til she comes.

I did it! Yesterday night I made it home about 10:30ish and these days thats like 3am for me. Parris and I received a great gift from our from Mawuli and his wife, shook our butts to some old school, then came home. I defintiely scared a few folks as I wiggled through "...LL Cool J is hard as **** .... battle anybody I dont care you **** I ex**** they all **** .... Rock tha bells!". I was too happy to be dancing even though it was just a little.

As I rode home in the car I thought again, what in the world ( ;) was I thinking???????? I am tooo tired to pray AND meditate. What am I gonna write about.. " Its day 1 ya'll and I only prayed and meditated ONCE..sigh pathetic".

So, I got home and had a wonderful excuse NOT to do it. We had an unexpected guest. We all chatted and as 11pm approached I excused my sleepy self to pee for the 100th time in the day, and I made my way to to he bedroom to yes.. pray and meditate. A BED! 10:45pm! A baby in my belly.. that all equaled sleep to me. How was I not going to drift off? Well, I closed my bedroom door, sat on the bed, crossed my legs, bowed my head and talked to God. I still felt timid but I opened my mouth sooner this time. I remembered I wanted to express my fears. I felt really good getting them off my chest so I did it again. It flowed. I was still so surprised at how much I was afriad of. Yet, even though I seemed to be such a yellow tail, I also was equally thankful for those who put up with my confused behind. I thanked God for the people who see right through me and still allow me to grow and screw up on my own. I apologized and asked for forgiveness for people Ive hurt. Crazy thing is I was so hurt about people not visiting me when I was down for so long that as usual I forgot about the people I have hurt. I hope they forgive me. I asked for forgiveness.

I thanked God too for the super fabulous blessing of my little sister surprising me to come down. She quite often makes me feel like the little sister. Her wisdom was shaped by experiences that were too harsh for her but I am the benefactor of the product.. her strength and wisdom. I love her so much and my heart feels saved by her visit. I truely was engrossed in my prayer by then. I didnt fall asleep. Wasnt even close to sleepy just thinking about how much I loved my sister and appreciate her for coming to spend a week with me. I needed it so bad.

After the prayer I meditated. I thought about my friend Jabez's statement about the body adjusting so I was a bit more patient with myself. I sat and breathed. It was nice. I felt humbled. Somehow through all my whinning and crying, again, as usual, I was about to be the recipient of some grace and it was being brought by someone I should be taking care of. But she was coming to take care of me. I sat in quiet aw of my little sisters selfless act.

The next day, that would be today, I woke up calmer. I was just tooo happy to have prayed and meditate TWICE in one day. I can honestly say that never in my life have I ever done that. Without sounding corny I just would like to say I felt like the affects were near instant. I felt calmer. Not like things were cured, but I felt more balanced. More whole. Like I was flawed and graced at the same time in stead of just flawed.

I woke up and prayed and meditated on day 2, today, this morning. It was nice. Again, I tried to not shy away from the honesty and fears. Then I meditated. Usually once I wake up Im up. My mind races. It could be 5am but Im up. Thats good when you are running yourself in the ground working on 30projects trying to forget things that make you feel bad instead of facing them. But today I faced somethings that made me feel bad. I prayed. I cried. I meditated. And... I went back to sleep. Phenominal.

Its the close of Day 2 and I just saw Avatar. It was good if you like sci fi .. I do. Again I thought Id come back and be ready for bed but .... I prayed and meditated. I must admit I did not go too deep into my fears but I did spend time being thankful. It was an excellent day today. I did what I could, and it was enough.

Reading over the last few blogs I did feel exposed but not in a bad way. I read the blogs and the grandmother in me wanted to give me a hug. I feel and felt a since of ..patience and compassion for myself I didnt feel before blogging. Strange. Friends knowing I have fears and struggles felt somehow weird cause I cant say we all talk about them. Not that we need to but.. I dunno. I do know however that this feels far much better than before. Holding it in. That wasnt working.

This feels so much better. Thanks again for letting me know you are reading by commenting. It means more than you know to know Im not walking the journey completely alone.

Thanks,

Nana

***********Preganancy Update ****************

I feel.

Bigger.. LOL and BIGGER lololol

Questionning.

Im worried the movie theater decible levels are too loud for the baby. I wrap my belly in my coat lol. I have an appt soon so Ill ask the doctor.

Happily.

I wore heels today! :) woo hoo balance was different but I felt gooood. Its not everyday but it was today. AND I did'nt throw up today.

Craving.

Vanilla Pecan "Ice Cream". Came home to pray first but I will have some tomorrow mmmmmmmmmmm

Baby.

Kicking away. My mom now switched her guess from a girl to a boy. Fromthe "size" of the head she says on the ultrasound, she thinks its a boy now LOL. I cant wait to see in May.

Daddy.

Daddy Parris took me on a date last week and I hadnt had one in MONTHS!!! So I took him out tonight. I was happy he was happy. I did so much by himself to take care of me it I wanted to say thank you. I wish I had more of my family here so it didnt have to fall so much on him but I did have a few friends who came through. Thank ya'll.

Good night. :)

Day 1... What was I thinking

2009-12-18T06:26:00.001-08:00

What the h#$@ was I thinking?
*picture is my day 1 challenge location

Ok no cursing. Even the fake kind. Last time (laughing) So, I woke up
this morning and my arms were sore for some reason. I’m having an
ongoing battle with potential dehydration looming over my head so with every tingle I’m fearing that IV needle. As a result I woke up decided to drink my coconut water (was told by many it was high in natural electrolytes) to hydrate me about 6am. I sat and began my sadly usual routine of…yes… turning on the TV.

Yes the TV has been my escapist activity cemented during bed rest from my list of things to do. I rented a few movies that made the baby laugh at me because I dozed of early during each of them the day before. Usually I wake up early to attempt to make up for my lost entertainment life. इ finished the movie (Julie & Julia my inspiration for the blog) and as it ended the rolling credits
reminded me.. “you have to start your day, no more time to avoid stuff…”। I was tired. Prenatal pill. Food. I am always tired these days and I am NOT getting used to it (laughing on the inside… ok not
really).

THEN… it HIT ME! OH!......The CHALLENGE!! .. I slapped my forehead like a cartoon character as my mind raced.

********************* Day 1 – The prayer **********************

“OK prayer hmm.. don’t screw up the first day of the challenge (laughing).. not a good sign.. ….you’ve done it before Anana. Mainly when times are really bad or really good.. but how should I do it this
time since I have to write about it too?” Well it made no difference. I had the same confusion I always do. How should I sit? Should I kneel like Muslims, wait Christians kneel too, right? This belly will definitely get in the way. Ok let me just do what I’ve done before and sit on my butt with a big pillow (thanks to my mother-in-law), legs crossed. Now, if I meditate should be positioned differently than when I pray so I know the difference ‘cause clearly God knows the difference. Sigh.. the silly little thoughts that race through my head are quite embarrassing to actually type, but its the truth. The confusing worrying thoughts didn’t stop there.

How should I start… “God… wait no…” ok should I bow if don’t bow my head will God think I have no respect for the process. Ok maybe head bowed, its prayer and back straight head up its meditation. I just laugh at myself as I type. But that’s what I thought.

What was I thinking? Why THIS challenge? Why write about it and TWICE.. TWICE a day.. sigh. How can I put myself through praying and meditating twice a day for a YEAR! YES I need it. Yes the baby deserves it. But what if I fail? Does that mean I suck as a mother? Logic and friends voices say “no just keep trying”. I still am not sure, but Ill keep trying.

It is a bit embarrassing to not have a set routine for prayer. Not having a set regimen from my youth makes you imagine everyone else having it alllllll laid out for them.No confusion. No uncomfortable
sessions. They may stray but at least they have a frame of reference. I got a bit discouraged.

Then the baby kicked. I wish I made it up but I’m not that creative of a writer. I got the message little one, “Chill out mama, we can do this” ।

I thought of all the great advice Id received over the years from my great-grandmother to my spiritual mentors and friends. None of them know each other, different religions, difference practices and they all said something similar. God knows your heart, be honest talk about what’s in your heart. Your mind will race on forever, your heart is anchoring you. Be honest. Be humble.

This blog/journal was on my mind and my heart. The baby was on my mind and in my heart. I began to tear up. It was uncomfortable. I shifted my position . I wanted to get up and change my mind. The baby kicked again (once again, I’m not that creative.. the baby really kicked). I thought “I’m terrified of screwing up my child’s life..” I decided to speak out loud so I could focus. To a lit candle facing the balcony and rising sun, eyes opened, I told God I was scared and that I wish I
started this challenge a long time ago.

Then, it got easier. After voicing my fears I said thank you, for a lot of things. The baby’s health, Parris, our parents, friends. Our income and skill sets.. I kept going. My muscles began to relax and my jaw became less tense. I looked down at the baby and was so glad थेbaby got to feel me relax.
When I was done with the prayer I was calmer. I still was concerned but less fearful, at least for that moment. It was good.

************************ The Meditation **********************
Time for the meditation. They say prayer is you talking and meditation is you listening.

I decided to sit still. While I sat I thought about my aunt who has leukemia and is in the hospital now. She has to stay in Texas for the medical care and we all “have to” stay where we are. She has my other aunt with her but she has to be lonely and missing that group family energy. I really am having a rough time accepting how separate we all are. I thought about Buddhism and how it deals with suffering and how much a hate to think about it.

Submitting to the fact that my thoughts wouldn’t stop I got up and turned on these chants my friend provided me with. They helped me chill out with my thoughts.

I called my aunt when I was done.

********************************************************************

I was done. ½ of the challenge complete. I bent over to the side and really felt this belly as I tried to get up. I felt like I had a book bag strapped to the front of me as I tried to get up. This will be harder the bigger I get. But I’m gonna try to stay optimistic about the challenge. What was I thinking? I guess this is how you grow by doing something harder than you are used to until it isn’t hard anymore.

I just have to do this one more time today.. sigh.. beneficial.. yes… easy.. no.

Wish me luck and tell me about you. Its nice to not travel on a journey alone.

As a note, I hope more folks leave comments. It’s the only way I know you stopped by. I lit up getting emails calls and comments from people I care a lot about saying they read my thoughts. It kept making my day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nana

************* Pregnancy Update **************

How I’m feeling today?
I feel bigger. like my stomach is bigger. Its poking out farther.
People stare at it LOL. Its kind of weird because everyday I look down
and see more and more BELLY! LOL It will soon be time for a new coat.

The baby.
I keep thinking Im squishing the baby so I’m just trusting the doctor
friends and family that I’m not LOL

Food.
My friend Randall from Howard had Parris and I over for dinner and I was in hog
heaven. 1. I didnt have to cook 2. I didn t have to clean up
afterwards 3. My hubby got to eat good and spend time with a dear
friend 4. I didn’t have to wash dishes 5. I didn’t have to wash dishes
6. I got to bring home leftovers for lunch and ofcourse… 7. I didn’t
have to wash dishes (laughing). Thank you Randall.. so very much.

Emotions.
I cry easily these days. I feel quite sensitive. Can’t seem to change
it. The other day I heard a neighbor say, “ I don’t need to see the
movie Precious. She’s ugly so she’ll never get out of the ghetto. I
already know the ending no need to watch the movie.” I couldn’t
believe it. It was two days ago and I never forgot it. It made me so
sad. We can be so cruel. It reminded me that it doesn’t matter what I
do. This world may not be kind to my child if its not the popular
thing to do. Oh well.. we will get the baby ready.

Cravings.
I had my Midnight Express cake and it was fabulous. But I am craving
more raw fruit and stuff. Mainly tangerines and oranges. The bean pies
are still strong and Im so thankful for those who have brought those
bean pies I ATE ALL of it. :)

Daddy
Its been an honor watching Parris grow into daddy mode. He’s
definitely a loving treat to have around. We both have had major
challenges and I like seeing him develop a completely different
relationship with my belly. So different. So nice.

Leave your thoughts.

The Set Up

2009-12-17T06:41:00.000-08:00

Hey there! Welcome to Mama Nana Jazz!

I don't really "blog", which is how most people that turn into raving addicts begin their careers, but I felt this would be a great way to share a little more of myself with others and hold myself accountable for some of the changes I want to make in my life.

In these days, in some parts of this country called USA, we have become so separate from each other. We buy a plane ticket or hop on facebook, send an email or a text and somehow that has to suffice. Well, in my heart I knew that wouldn't do for me.

I'm 5 months pregnant to the day (so the doctors office and their 'pregnancy calendar' says) and I tell you plane tickets, short visits and text messages did not cut it in months 1 - 5 of this pregnancy.

Part of me is submitting to the current scenario of the modern world, and I'm blogging. The other part needs help being a mother, a woman and a person that brings good and not fear into the world. Because quite honestly after 5 months of a rough start... I'm afraid.

Yep. I am afraid of my child thinking the computer is their family. We all have the power to change our environment and lives but I want to make healthy changes so, I have set a goal I have never had a better motivation for, I will challenge myself to pray/mediate twice a day for 365 days while facing my daily happenings.

This blog will help me keep in touch with you and can be a great way to hold myself accountable.

If you don't want to know about my spiritual background you can scroll down past this area and get to the challenge....

************** Brief Spiritual Background ***************

The one consistent, intangible positive beautiful joyous God fueled connection I remember was through Jazz. My father was honest about what he knew about God. He told me God exists. He also told me that one day I would have to find my own way. Then, he would put on Miles Davis Seven Steps to Heaven and make my brother and I think about why it could be called that and we'd all talk about it. Or, Daddy would take us to art shows and allow us to dream, imagine and feel. We made up songs during Kwanzaa and on Sundays, daddy would take us to church, but he didn't go in himself. He said church was a key institution in the black community that helped many people and that without it and God, black people in the US would not be where we are today. He also said after being raised Church of God and Christ he had had enough church (8 days a week according to him) to outlast anyone. He had practiced Islam for a while but we were so young. In our house, the health of black people mattered and being true to yourself without discriminating mattered. We were considered a Pan-Africanist household in our early years and being a thoughtful kind person was just as important as being knowledgeable. One day, daddy and I were walking and an ant crawled across our path. I made its way by but I decided to let go of daddy's hand then stretch my leg almost into the grass just to crush that ant. My dad grabbed my hand and said, "Anana, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna step on the ant daddy", I said cluing him in.
He took my hand and continued walking while saying looking directly in my eyes, "You should never go out of your way to kill another living creature."

I never forgot that.

Other than my father teaching us about quality of a character to learn a path for ourselves, the gifts he gave us were the knowledge of God, the historical relevance structure and social use of church and the beautiful ocean of the arts through Jazz, paintings, dance ... the arts.. so divine in its creative core.

I now know I need more but this was where I started.

*************************BACK TO THE CHALLENGE********************

So, back to the challenge... I did not start today, but I will start tomorrow.

Mama Nana Jazz
A tiny clue, still confused but thankful for the bliss of cultural arts

Challenge: Pray/Meditate Twice A Day for 365 Days
Goal: Blog/Journal honestly about the journey
Content: Honest spiritual, mental health through the arts and prayer while dealing with people and researching life

*************************** Pregnancy Side Notes ************************

Ok this is my first baby. These are the MOST frequently asked questions.

Due Date: May 8th or when God and the baby are ready
Sex: waiting until the day of
Name: Will take the baby home first and do a naming ceremony
Cravings: So far bean pies and any kind of potatoes, nothing tv lad weird though.. yet
Delivery: We will start natural and see how it goes LOL I don't want to but who knows LOL. I definitely DO NOT want a C-Section at all costs. Only if the baby is in danger.
Doula: Need one.
Greatest Difficulty So Far: Meals. Scared to reintroduce what made me puke before. I am exhausted from cooking and I KNOW I'm not getting it completely right. Definitely taking the prenatals. Accepting 100% meals from folks. Saves time and energy.

1st Trimester: Horribly sick. Couldn't keep down liquids for some reason. Lost lots of weight. Migraines. Dehydration. Hospital visit for IV. Bed rest (bout went crazy).

*********** WHY I AM STARTING THIS CHALLENGE **************
That first trimester taught me I needed family. Not social associates(which are nice) but family. My husband held it down but was busy taking care of everything. I missed being sat with, interacting with people. Everyone had a life to live. They were rightfully busy. I had some very special friends cook a meal every now and then, bring a pie, sit and talk with me. I squinted my eyes through conversations from pain and the sun like some vampire. I couldn't fake a smile if I tried. I wanted my great grandmother, grandmother and mother all at once, but I didn't have any of them. Just that couch with a red slip cover telling me to stop shedding dead dehydrated skin all over it day in and day out. Gross.. I know. For three months I didn't dance, I didn't socialize, I sat then laid then sat in a one bedroom condo. Staring at unfinished projects too tired and sick to get up and clean. Worrying about the baby. Wondering why I chose to live so far away from the people who would visit me and help take care of me. My friends who yanked themselves from a busy schedule and behaved like family became saving graces on horrible days. The hospital visit was scary but like my family I joked through it to deflect my fear. I thought about women before me who went through much worse. I felt like a wimp. I big fat baby wuss weakling wimp who was fumbling, trying not to yank out the IV racing (in my head only) to the hospital bathroom. Yes the hospital. My hats off to those stronger than me who endure hospital stays much longer and with much better grace. I was so dehydrated I lost 5lbs in a week. Nothing was absorbing. No food. No liquids. To the hospital I went. My deep fear of needles brought tears to my eyes as the nurse tried a second vein a second time. I was embarrassed cause my friends watched as my hubby held my hand. It was over. I was glad. My friends left. My husband left. I fell asleep with my little IV arm fearfully placed on a pillow. I prayed quietly it would not come out in my sleep.

Then, the very thing I am try to de-centralize in my life brought me company. Facebook. I logged on at 3:30am in a Crawford Long Hospital bed (thanks to my hubby for setting it up) looking for conversation to curb the fear and loneliness and there they were... friends/associates/relief/kindness/concern/conversation.. up late/ or is that early.. they talked to me. I was thankful. I have always believed that even if someone is not your best friend in the whole world, that doesn't mean they don't have a priceless piece of warmth for you and I for them. Thank you all everyone who called, texted, emailed, prayed for, cooked, visited with and without invitation to check on and care about me. I truly needed it and am truly thankful for it.

Now that I am feeling much better I know the lesson of the first trimester really just highlighted my lack of a spiritual regimen. I was lost and scared. My husbands kind optimistic spirit... visits from friends while in the hospital and out became life lines... now I need 365 days to create my own lifeline to God. I still feel like a weakling and ill equipped for such an ambitious challenge (for me at least it is). With a limited religious background I thought I would take the journey so as I become a mother, I can own the responsibility of my own life and spiritual health, keep the good of my past and create new habits so I can take the blessings my dad and others did give me and add to them.

Thanks for reading. This is really helping.

:) Mama Nana Jazz

P.S. Please forgive the typos. I do need to polish up my writing etiquette. The excuse that "I'm not a real writer" wont last past your irritation trying to translate instead of read. I promise I'll work on it.

TODAYS CRAVING: Fresh Juice with pulp. Orange or Tangerine and a slice of Midnight Express Chocolate Mousse Cake from Apres Diem.